Chill Like a Mother Podcast
This show shares stories, offers tips and tricks, and provides education to help you feel more chill like the mother you know you want to be.
Hey! I'm Kayla Huszar, a creative counsellor who's all about unconventional therapy that encourages creativity, curiosity and finding what makes you feel alive (again). I've helped so many women navigate the waves (ups and downs) of motherhood, and I'm here for you, too!
So, if you're feeling overwhelmed or need a moment to yourself, grab your headphones and press play on an episode!
You're not alone, and you already know what you need.
Chill Like a Mother Podcast
How To Self-Regulate and Cope as A Mother in 2024 from Two Therapists for Moms
Have you ever tried so hard to stay regulated and then lose it, wondering if you are messing up your kids? Yes, us too!
Join Kayla Huszar and my insightful guest, Danik, as we courageously talk about trauma and motherhood that promises to leave you feeling seen and empowered (and maybe a little raw). This episode takes you through a generational parenting shift, informed by new knowledge and resources. It highlights the essential roles of awareness and validation in healing—not just for ourselves but for our children too.
Ah Ha! Moments:
- We share raw and personal postpartum experiences and talk about the impact of our now-diagnosed conditions, like ADHD.
- The myths of flawless parenting are dismantled as we, therapists, talk about how to self-regulate, repair, process trauma and foster emotional safety within yourself.
- The delicate balance of emotional intelligence, discussing how to bravely accept feedback from our kids and how this openness can sometimes trigger our own past traumas.
Tune in for a conversation that promises to resonate deeply and offer a path toward breaking cycles of trauma with grace and understanding.
Meet Kayla Huszar, the Host of the Chill Like a Mother Podcast
Hey, moms! I’m Kayla Huszar, and I’m here to help you calm the chaos in modern-day mothering with expressive art therapy. As a creative counsellor, I support moms who feel stuck and are looking to regulate their emotions, reduce anxiety, and tackle stress and overwhelm.
SOCIAL WORKER | EXPRESSIVE ART FACILITATOR | PERINATAL MENTAL HEALTH
Join me on Instagram for more tips and inspiration. And thank you for letting me be a part of your day—even with the kids running amok! If this episode helped you feel a bit more chill, please leave a rating or review. Your feedback helps the podcast reach more moms who need to hear it.
Today we are going to be talking about trauma and how it shows up in motherhood and how sometimes we are the ones doing the harm. We can continue the cycle of trauma in our family, but we also have the amazing, amazing power of being able to self-regulate, repair and create emotional safety and break the cycle of trauma. And I am here with Danik today and we are going to be sharing a bit of our personal stories around our postpartum experiences and some of the things that we have lived, some of the things that we have strived to change, and we are also going to be busting a little bit of some myths about what people believe about trauma or motherhood and the way that we kind of hold ourselves to the standard. That can be kind of impossible.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:Thank you for having me so welcome welcome.
Kayla Huszar, Therapist for Moms:I was so excited to have you on the podcast like months ago, but then just this weekend, when you posted about your family pictures and how it was like 15 minutes was just like the maximum that your family could handle Really resonated with me because, being a neurodiverse family ourselves, we struggled with some of these expectations around Christmas that are just kind of really hard to maintain every year, and family photos is one of them and, as we shared with you this weekend, like this year's, a selfie that's like. That is the effort that I'm putting into that particular pressure in motherhood, because, yeah, there's this myth I think that if we are perfect, then we won't cause harm.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:Absolutely, absolutely, and it's one of the myths that I hear the most. And it's not something that we consciously necessarily have in our brain, like in our logical brain. It's something we hold subconsciously right After going through many, many things. The message that we kind of create for ourselves is well, if I do things the right way, then I will prevent any harm from happening. If I love my kids fiercely, nothing wrong will ever happen and that will be enough for me to be the best mom. So yeah, but that's not necessarily always the case.
Kayla Huszar, Therapist for Moms:So things are complicated and I know for myself in my own most part of experience of my first, not knowing that I had undiagnosed ADHD, I actually didn't even screen on the like the EPDS screening. No, they were like, well, you're probably fine, you're high functioning, you've got it all. You check all the boxes, you feel pretty prepared when you come in here, etc. Etc. But what I realized later, after we were experiencing some challenges with my oldest, was that I know, I know in my heart, that I did not respond to him in the ways that he needed in those first months of his life and I know, I know that I caused some harm and impacted his nervous system.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:Absolutely yeah. And it's that thing where, when we have awareness of what can happen, of our power to repair, to give appropriate you know time, affection and just validation to our children, there's that one side, but also the other side where, as humans, it is a human experience to deal with trauma, relational trauma, big events or more like the chronic things that keep going on, which you know. As postpartum moms, I think we are probably most at risk of developing or creating right. So, like for myself when I had my first, I didn't screen on the postpartum depression screening either. It was as if I could read through the questions Totally no, I'm not, I'm not going to answer what I really think. Yeah, and I was dealing now I know that I was dealing with quite severe postpartum anxiety and for myself it was like, okay, I need to be everything for this child because I need to do the exact opposite as what my mom did. So, in order for me to break the generational trauma, in order for me to not do as my mother, my grandmother, my great-grandmother, I need to do the exact opposite, which means I need to be everything, do everything and, just you know, have these extreme high standards for myself. That is quite impossible to achieve. So that's where my mindset was.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:And then he was born in winter, right. So I always say like, oh my gosh, he was born with a cold. He was born with a cold, I kid you not. He was always snoring here and there, so but I didn't know what it was. I'm a summer baby, my brother's a summer baby, my mom has no experience with winter babies, right in Canada. So then he had a cold and I was like okay, well, whatever, he's fine and he's feeding and it's okay. But then as time went on, he developed bronchiolitis and I brought him to the hospital and the nurses, you know, they suctioned out his mucus and all. And that was a really traumatizing thing to witness, just even for myself, because you're looking at this baby and in his little body and you can see the distress, you know traumas, when something happens or does not happen, where your body's just, you know it's beyond its capacity to cope. Well, I could see clearly that my little one month old was out of his capacity to cope, right, but as myself, right, even if I was an adult looking at that, it was beyond my ability. I think I probably dissociated even that moment, like my brain was like no, let's check off. It's just completely check off and come back online when it's safe. So that's definitely what happened.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:But then that message, or that core belief, I should say, where I have to do exactly the opposite, as my mom kind of came back in my survival mode, making me think that, okay, I need to be saving my baby's life he was fine, by the way but in my mind I had to save his life. So I had to suction his nose at every chance I got. If I heard a little snoring here and there, a little sniffles, I was going in there with the HydroSense, the push push thingy, and then I was just getting out that mucus inside his nose, repeating the exact situation he had been through, the exact experience. So what happens over time is that the body accumulates this trauma, right, and then he ends up with teeth At some point. We need to brush his teeth. He wasn't even a year old. I was trying to brush his teeth and I saw how we could not even approach his face. He would go into like full on bacon mode, like no, can't do it. It was beyond his ability to cope. And I was like, oh my gosh, how come Like is he just hyperactive and not wanting to cooperate? Is that just like a baby thing? But no.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:Later on, with my daughter, I saw how different that was. Situation was Um. But with my son I was able to see like, okay, there's probably some trauma there. And then I realized like, wow, even if I was well intentioned, even if I had the best intentions in the world, I still caused some harm, which then I had a light bulb moment where I realized like, okay, down the road there's some things that I will do where I'm thinking I have full, full, 100% good intentions and it could probably still cause harm. So let's not put ourselves in positions where we're looking at these high, high standards we want to achieve for ourselves and be in a mindset of failure all the time. Let's just look at the reality for what it is. We have the power for both. So let's just build awareness and let's focus on repairing, because repairing needs to come before perfection, because when we focus on perfection, we will miss all of those little things that end up becoming big things.
Kayla Huszar, Therapist for Moms:Yeah, that's what you just said about the repair has to come before perfection. That's a really profound. So let's just like think for a minute from the listener's perspective. If they're listening right now and they are like having a huge light bulb moment that may accompany some, like you know, some positive reflection but maybe shame voices inside how others one move from okay, I know that I've probably done some harm in like a healthy way of accepting and moving through those pieces and not going the other direction of. I must perfect everything, I must show up, I must love fiercely, I must lose myself.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:The thing is is that we're kind of the first generation to have awareness about it all. So it's really tough to do something new and break patterns when we don't necessarily have examples or models of what to do. We weren't necessarily modeled what a healthy repair looks like. We kind of have to create it and played by ear and ask for feedback, see how it goes. So what I always recommend let's end, depending on the setting. Let's say this is a client that I'm seeing for therapy.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:We would for sure look at out of curiosity and not non-judgment Look at those things that are present in our lives. So let's say, for example, if the theme of I need to be perfect is very much present in every aspect of present day life, well, that means there's, there's something that happened for us to have created that theme or to get that message right. We weren't born thinking I need to be perfect. We learned this.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:Part of my role is to really look at OK, why has this theme emerged in your life in the first place? And let's process the significant traumas that have contributed to this, so that at least we give the brain the chance to digest. We are eliminating what we don't need and we are keeping our strengths and we are kind of focusing on that. So that's one part, but then also the coaching aspect into like OK, what does it look like to even repair, I don't even know? First, like it's important to recognize that we will be imperfect at this and it's OK. We need to try something, because even if we try something and it's not perfect, at least we tried right and our children will energetically feel that we're trying right. They will sense it that maybe what we, what we said, wasn't exactly perfect, but at least we are trying and to keep trying, keep it going right and not lose hope about that. So sometimes what happens with perfectionism is that we want to avoid because it's like, yeah, it's like, if I'm not going to, I can fix this.
Kayla Huszar, Therapist for Moms:Yes, yes.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:Yes, if I'm not going to into this perfectly and have it right the first time, then I'm not even going to try. But our kids need us to try because they need to see us trying. By trying being imperfect, we're giving them the permission to be imperfect. We're modeling what it is to be imperfect but to still be an emotionally safe parent, because both can exist. The first step is really to like, have awareness, like, okay, I said, or I did X thing and now I'm clearly seeing that this is having a negative effect on my child.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:One thing I always tell the moms, I see, is that, you know, as for adults, sometimes children are not ready to hear. I'm sorry, oh, I'm sorry, just said this, I'm sorry. You know, sometimes it's okay to just let some time go, maybe a couple minutes, maybe a couple hours. It depends on your child and their needs. And if they need time to, you know, be alone, process, or they need time to co-regulate with you first and and just be with you and borrow from your com so that they become calm. So that's kind of.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:The first thing is to have awareness of it and, yes, do apologize, but also seek the feedback. Like, hey, I see that when I said or I did X thing, you reacted in X way and to me that sounds like that wasn't okay when I did. What do you think about that? And asking open-ended questions being okay with receiving the criticism, but in order to do that, for someone who maybe was criticized so much in their life growing up, this is huge and it can be potentially re-triggering. So that's why it's so important the trauma processing component of it, because we can end up being triggered while we're trying to repair. Yes, yes.
Kayla Huszar, Therapist for Moms:The like. The two things can be true, right, yeah, like it can be really hard to receive feedback from anybody, but particularly the children, when they are old enough to give you feedback. It takes a lot of emotional regulation skills and like emotional intelligence in order to be able to not dissociate in that moment, to not just be like okay, well, I'm going through the motions, I'm following the script that I saw on social media and that it said I should do, but I'm not seeing any results from it or I can't sit in the presence of it. I can't sit in the discomfort of it, because that means that I suck, I'm not good enough and my kids are probably going to end up in therapy, just like me.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:Absolutely, absolutely, 100%.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:And it's that thing where, if we go into parenthood with this mindset of you know what, maybe my kids will end up in therapy because of me, but at least I know that if they aren't therapy because of me, there will be moments in their process and their therapeutic process where they will be able to recognize how I tried and how I am always open to having conversations and that I will always validate and be there for them.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:Because at the end of the day, we are always sending messages, whether it be verbal or very unconscious, we're sending messages. We're either telling our kids we are open to having conversations, we are open to having them come to us when something is wrong, even if we are in the wrong, or we're sending the message that their feedback is not welcome, we are not able to validate, and they will not have that from us. So what's important here is that we can't hold ourselves again to this impossible standard of I need to be this validating, co-regulating and all in the all parent all the time. If we can be a validating, emotionally mature parent yeah, we mess up, we repair and we model how an imperfect parent is also an emotionally safe parent Then at least this gives our children the opportunity to see like, okay, this is what a parent that messes up and then tries to repair looks like where we didn't. For the majority of us anyways, we didn't even get that.
Kayla Huszar, Therapist for Moms:I think something important to note in that we didn't get it, and something that I watched from my clients through a lot, is that they did the best they could with what they had and if they had different tools maybe they would have done different things or showed up differently to that trauma or that parenting or that bullied school.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:Yeah, absolutely. And knowing that you know people can do well if they can, meaning if they have the resources, if they have the information that is readily available. I mean, this is all new. Having all this new information just at our fingertips, this is very, very new.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:So, of course, people could not always do the best, and we can't either. Right, this is absolutely a very high standard. And also, even if we know that our parents could, or caregivers you know, those people who raised us even if we know that they truly did the best they could with what they had, it can also mean that we still have trauma to process and our kids could, too, right, just like my poor son had to. We had to kind of desensitize his face in order to be able to brush his teeth. You know, even if I was a mom in the 21st century and I had all the information at my fingertips and I'm a therapist, yes, I still cause trauma inside his little body. So I was like, okay, how do I repair? I can't have a conversation with him. He's not even one yet. How do we do that? So I tried to desensitize his face to massages and then I was able to brush his teeth right.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:But it's this ability to be able to pause and then backtrack, ask for feedback, repair, right. When children doesn't matter, your age doesn't matter if you're an adult, if you're a minor, if you feel your parents is truly looking to validate and seek feedback, then the potential for healing is just that much bigger than when we feel that chronically over time, there was no room for validation, there was no room for feedback at all. But if we're able to feel in our body, and even just energetically we're not even, you know, talking about spoken words here but just this openness if we can feel that as children chronically over time, then this will cause the opposite of a trauma, right, it's the trust that builds. So, yeah, there's many, many components to this.
Kayla Huszar, Therapist for Moms:And it's complicated and it's layered.
Kayla Huszar, Therapist for Moms:It's everyone's situation and the harm that I know that I have caused in my relationships, in my parenting, in my childbearing, even the way that I talk to myself.
Kayla Huszar, Therapist for Moms:We are all capable of causing harm and you're all capable of repairing not only our relationships with others but our relationships with self. And I think it's really key to visit those places that are uncomfortable and that get activated and that our body is sending us information that we might not know what to do with, but sitting in that contemplative kind of space and bring about so much awareness to those patterns or awareness to the things that we might be doing on autopilot that we believe are the best intention or the best response and that are key. You know, coming from two therapists were a little bit biased, but I think it's really important for people to seek the support that they need and when resources or money or time or things are not as accessible, I think it's important to even still reach out to people because they might have resources that might still help, even if the actual therapeutic relationship or the one on one cost of therapy can't be actualized in real.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:Yeah, seeking the safe people, because sometimes in relationships we often just, you know, bring our childhood stuff, our own stuff, into the relationship and then there's just triggers, triggers. So, yeah, find your safe person. It could be your partner, maybe not, and that's okay. Find a safe person if you're able to confide in them. I'm really feeling a my heart beating way too fast when I try to do X thing or when X thing happens. What do you think about that? And you know in your gut that this person will be open, will accept what you have to share and will just give you this vibe of love, if you will, of trust, of secure attachment really. And yeah, that's definitely one way to go about this. You know, finding this one secure person.
Kayla Huszar, Therapist for Moms:I want to close with the hard but gentle truth that all children will be emotionally harmed at some point. We will show up too much, we will show up too little, we will make a mistake, we will misjudge the situation, you know, and it's important to recognize and act on those moments, to create safety within yourself and safety within others and to put the you know, put the shame or the blame, just like in a container and just put it on the shelf for a minute and just feel the feelings, but don't get stuck in them and learn how to have those skills of repair or self and co-regulation, because aiming for perfectionism which we just don't have time for this People have written books on this, they have done research studies, there's so many things but perfectionism is a trauma response in itself and so staying in that space or striving for that is putting so much pressure on your body, so much pressure on your body.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:And the people around you too, even if you want to do the exact opposite and your intentions are so pure and good, right. It's this thing that I hear often that moms really don't want to repeat the past. They want to focus on what they can do better. But always within this component of I need to build a secure attachment and this idea that secure attachment is built through, you know those magical moments, through what we can do with our family where everything is seemingly perfect, where we never do any, we never have any mess ups, like everything's all good. But that's not the case. Secure attachment will build over time. Always, it's this thing that is continuous. So even if you do make a mistake doesn't mean that the relationship will be, you know, broken and the attachment will be broken. It's actually a good thing when your child can witness you mess up and then repair, because that's an opportunity to not only learn but to build the trust and continue creating this bond and this secure attachment that you have with your children that's.
Kayla Huszar, Therapist for Moms:I think that's a really great point to end on in terms of the realities of secure attachment and I think, for anyone listening, I'm going to drop a couple of resources that I found really helpful to, I mean, debunk some of the interesting information out in the world about attachment and about attachment, parenting and all of the things that it has become, because it has strayed far from its original roots. Its original roots are much less pressurized and a lot more grace and a lot more giving in the lifespan of a relationship, and it's not all just what happens in those first three hours, three days, three months or three years. It is a relationship that is formed over time and to create security you have to move through unsafe or uncomfortable moments in order to know and to create security and safety. Yeah totally.
Kayla Huszar, Therapist for Moms:Totally so. Thank you so much for being here with us today, and I'm going to drop all of the resources and links below and we will see you in the next episode.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW:Thank you so much.
