Realistic Self-Care for Moms: Emma's Blueprint for Joyful and Practical Parenting

Have you ever felt like self-care is just another chore on the to-do list, especially when you're juggling the superhuman task of motherhood?

We've got Emma, a renowned self-care and motherhood coach, joining us to reshape the conversation around self-care into something that's feasible and doable. Together, we break down the walls of misconception and reconstruct self-care into daily nuggets of joy that fit seamlessly into the patchwork of parenting, finding those sweet spots of renewal amidst the chaos. Hold onto your coffee cups, mamas, because we'll turn those fleeting moments into your patience, creativity, and energy source.

This chat with Emma isn't your typical self-help spiel. It's an empowering guide to identifying what self-care tools naturally align with your life rhythm. Whether it's the art of journaling that anchors your thoughts or the melodies that tune your emotions, we're showcasing how to integrate these acts without feeling like you're adding another ball to your juggling act. No more myths or one-size-fits-all solutions—just real talk on creating a self-care practice as unique as you. 

Tune in for an inspiring conversation about celebrating the small, consistent steps that lead to a rejuvenated, balanced you.

Chapters

• 0:01 Redefining Self-Care for Moms
• 16:49 Creating Self-Care Practices With Family
• 29:01 Myths and Realities of Self-Care

Transcript

Kayla Huszar: 0:01

Hello Emma. I almost said good morning, but you are in the UK and so I know it's not morning for you.

Emma Benyon: 0:08

No, we are heading towards daytime now.

Kayla Huszar: 0:13

And so you are a self-care and motherhood coach and educator and you support moms with tools to move from overwhelm to balance. However, I have a really interesting question for you. What do you hate about the word self-care?

Emma Benyon: 0:35

Do you know what? I actually hate the word itself, because, as much as it's in my name in terms of what I do, however, I think it's become such a buzzword and it has so much negativity attached to it that, actually, in order for us to get to kind of any benefit from this, we've got to wade through a hole in the stuff before we even get to that point. That being said, what other word do you use?

Kayla Huszar: 1:06

Oh my gosh, I know I think about this all the time in my practice as an expressive arts therapist for moms and I think about like what is the other word I can use? Because either people are going to roll their eyes, they're going to just totally shut down completely, because they're getting it from every angle. They're like Kayla, I fucking get it. I know that I'm supposed to do self-care, we all know this. So it's just tell me about how you view self-care, in a way that might be a little bit different than women have internalized that the standard messaging around it.

Emma Benyon: 1:57

Definitely, because that's exactly it, isn't it that we have this like idealized societal view that self-care is spardays and getting our nails done and getting our hair done and all of this stuff, which is wonderful Don't get me wrong, they're wonderful things. However, self-care needs to be things that we can do daily and it needs to be things that can be integrated really easily into our lives, whether that's something that we do on our own or whether we also have to do it with our children or our partners or whoever else makes up that family dynamic, because life is busy and it's really realistic. Like, adding anything else to that to-do list is pretty overwhelming. So I think it also comes with this attachment of well, if I do it and it doesn't work, I've just wasted my time. So if I do that, yeah, it's such a big thing, isn't it? Like, okay, well, if I'm going to spend half an hour doing that and then, oh my gosh, I don't actually feel any better because maybe it wasn't the right thing for me, then I've got half an hour. I could have done something else, so we've got all this stuff attached to it, haven't we that?

Emma Benyon: 3:08

Actually, everyone's talking about it, everyone's saying that we must do it that we should do it, and those words are not particularly helpful when we're thinking about something which actually it's really like simple, fundamental thing is all about raising our energy, helping us to function in a way that actually we respond and we react in ways that we would prefer to respond and react. So I don't know about you, but when I am completely depleted, I'm exhausted, and I've not had that time, because even though I talk all about it doesn't mean I always get it right, because we're all learning right and my daughter can do something and I'm like straight up to 100. And we all do it, because actually we need our energy to be kind of in a balance. But sometimes that balance isn't quite equal. You know, sometimes what's happening with the kids is a priority, or what is maybe happening at work is a priority, or what's happening with our partner or whatever, but actually we don't get to make maybe the time that we would like.

Emma Benyon: 4:26

So what it has to be, from my perspective, is something that we can do around what we are already doing. So, whether that is we get to the school run five minutes earlier and we just sit in the car and we just breathe, just taking five deep breaths, really ground ourselves and be present, and we get out of that car and we walk around the block. Before we go around and pick the kids up, we read a page of our book. I mean because, let's be realistic, we're not going to read a chapter in five minutes. So let's be, you know, be really small and simple with those expectations, because we have that extra pressure, then we're not going to want to do it. We're making it into too much of a big thing.

Emma Benyon: 5:10

It has to be achievable and it has to be accessible. It also should be fun. It should be fun, and I was talking to someone earlier today about it and we were talking about how well, yeah, you have all those chores that you have to do around the house, why can't we put some music on while we do it? Why can't we dance while we do the washing? Or we start making tea or the sandwiches or whatever to really loud, and that's revitalize and refuel our energy that way. So it is really for me, it's about it being fun, being playful, having different choices for what we need on different days, because we don't need the same thing two days in a row. Life changes daily and actually what we might need today will be different from what we need tomorrow or in a week's time.

Emma Benyon: 5:58

And I think, also coming from a place that it gets to be a bit of an experiment, so that actually we remove that pressure of well, if it doesn't work, okay, well, I tried something. I learned something from that that actually maybe that isn't the self care practice that I actually benefit from. Maybe someone else said, well, that's actually, you know, go and do this, that really works for me. Actually it might not work for you or the next person. So, coming at it from well, let's just try it, let's just see, with no kind of expectations until we tried it, that actually we're not coming at it with well, if it doesn't work, we've already got that mindset. Then, if it doesn't work, I've wasted my time or whatever, or I've spent this money or whatever it might be. Just try it and see, and it's that curiosity, it's that choice and it's being playful with it, and then that can then build into those really healthy habits. So then we can also support sharing and modelling that with our children as well.

Kayla Huszar: 6:58

Yeah, what I heard you say and how it landed with me was like just adding in some intention to the time that you do have, and I think for me and the clients that I serve, one of the common myths that I hear is I don't have time, and I think for some people that is a very real obstacle or a very real barrier to self-care or maybe the prescribed kind of self-care that we think that it should be, and my kind of motto is if you have time to scroll, you have time for self-care and we have this limb that's like literally right here, like I know exactly where it is all of the time, and we have this limb where we can access information.

Kayla Huszar: 7:53

We can either confirm or deny some kind of thing that we're thinking or this shitty view we have of ourselves about decisions that we make and when we have access to this normalised way that moms spend their time.

Kayla Huszar: 8:14

I kind of liken it to the mommy wine culture in terms of the mom scrolling culture, where like scrolling is totally acceptable and like touted in certain ways on the internet, and something that I have to do because my definition of self-care is anything that creates care and love that you turn towards yourself, in the same definition that you use care and love when you direct it towards your children, and so for me, I have to reorient to that all of the time because I can get really caught up in that I don't have time.

Kayla Huszar: 9:01

I'm an entrepreneur, I'm a shift working partner. Like my partner works away and I have two kids in two different schools at two different ages. Like I can really get stuck in a story that I don't have time when in reality for me I'm not going to speak for other people, but for me, self-care is just doing this less. It's not actually adding anything else into my day On any particular day. If I do that scrolling less, I feel differently about how I mother or how I show up, and for some people the phone is like a security blanket and I don't want to take anything away from somebody who finds joy or inspiration or goodness in the scrolling. The type of scrolling that I do is to confirm or deny if I'm a good parent.

Kayla Huszar: 10:08

Right and it's like that's not helpful.

Emma Benyon: 10:11

That's just not helpful.

Emma Benyon: 10:14

And so that's helpful. Yeah, I think it's such a different perspective, isn't it, that actually, self-care might be doing something less rather than adding more, and I think, however you look at it either way, it's about doing things that serve you well and then serve those around you as well, isn't it? And having that self-awareness that actually, if I do that, that's going to be the outcome of that, that's going to benefit me and those around me. Whether that is scrolling less, whether it's putting on some music, whether it is turning the TV off and actually having a conversation, whether it's sitting and colouring with your children, whatever it is, it's about adding in that joy, isn't it? Adding in that love, that compassion, that kindness that is going to fill up and refuel those energy levels for both yourself and then, in turn, for your children, your partner, et cetera, et cetera, because it has a ripple effect, doesn't it? If we are functioning from a place where we feel good, then how we respond and react in those different situations is so much better, so much better.

Kayla Huszar: 11:34

And a lot of what self-care means for me is self-boundaries, right, and so it's the the boundary, or the awareness or the intention around how I'm spending my time, like you said, how I'm sitting in the school pickup line. Am I scrolling or am I sitting there with my eyes closed, face towards the sun? Am I telling myself positive stuff? And I think the toxic pub, the toxic positivity or that, like I think affirmations, like there's a lot of opinions about some of those things too, and I don't view it as just like reframing a negative thought into a positive one.

Kayla Huszar: 12:23

It's like, am I talking to myself the way that I want other people to talk to me, or am I like just sitting here stewing in how I decided to handle the morning, or or how present or not my partner has been Right, like, and so I really, I really liked your take on the like self-care being like achievable and fun, right, because that then, I think, when it's not those things, that's when the should starts to enter into the conversation.

Emma Benyon: 12:59

And having that benefit to it and knowing what that benefit is. Obviously, once you know what it is that you enjoy and what's going to give you, you know that joy that you know that benefit is going to help you feel more motivated to do it again to. You know, if you do, you know, forget to do it one day or something else gets in the way, because real life happens and things happen, you know that actually you then do feel motivated to think, you know, actually I can pick it up again tomorrow, I can continue to build those healthy habits because actually one day is not going to make a difference in the long run, because I'm here for the long game of supporting myself, caring for myself. And if it's not achievable, however that self-care practice looks, because our lives are all so different, we are all so different, our family makeup is so different, you know. So, whatever it looks like, it has to work with what is already there.

Emma Benyon: 13:59

And I think also it's really important to note with that that what is happening in your life right now as well, because if we're facing any of those kind of big life changes or you know things are shifting, maybe we're in a difficult, you know, phase we're not getting as much sleep, depending on how old our kids are, etc.

Emma Benyon: 14:19

Etc.

Emma Benyon: 14:19

Etc.

Emma Benyon: 14:20

That actually what we can achieve at that point is going to be different to what we can achieve when we are having lots of sleep, when we're not working within that space, if maybe there are some challenges that we're facing.

Emma Benyon: 14:31

And so I think it's really important that we start to build that toolbox of different things that we can access at different times when we need them. And part of that might also be communicating that to our partner, our friends, our family, that actually, you know, when we are in that state of full and overwhelmed, we're stressed, you know, we're up here, that actually, if I can't do it myself, because often when we're in that state we're not going to access self care because we're up here and we're not going to come to that space, so actually we might need somebody else to be like you know, if you go and do this or you go and do that, that's going to help. And I think a really important part of self care is also that communication, both externally with others, but also internally with ourselves, and what we need and what I'm listening to, what's going on for us.

Kayla Huszar: 15:25

Can you tell me what your favorite self care practice is right now that is achievable in the phase of life?

Emma Benyon: 15:30

that you're in. So my favorite? Well, I'll have two favorites, actually, okay. So the first one is journaling, which is something that I've always loved doing. However, it's probably taken me up until the end point of this year to kind of end the point of last year even to really be like, okay, I need to do this daily now, and I mean I've missed two days this week it's half term and started it again this morning, and that's absolutely fine.

Emma Benyon: 15:58

I'm not adding in that extra pressure, because actually, what does that? You know, what does that give me by adding in, well, you didn't do it, you know I didn't do it, so what, I can start. I started again today, and that's absolutely fine. So that is a key thing. And the other thing, which is a new another new thing I discovered is going to the gym and doing weight training is actually another thing that I need Definitely for my mental health. Obviously it's impacting upon my physical health as well, but I think for me, both of those two things I notice now when I don't do them regularly, and then the impact that has done, how I'm feeling and how I respond, and so those two are definitely my favorites in the moment. Yeah, how about yours?

Kayla Huszar: 16:49

I love art journaling so I create salages and like images with pastels and low paint sticks in my art journal. I find that with my ADHD I used to be able to journal a lot like pre children and now I find it actually really challenging. I, if I do it like before the day kind of starts, I can get that like stream of consciousness kind of going. So I find for me right now in the phase of life I'm in art journaling, even though people can think that it actually takes more time because I'm like cutting and gluing and, you know, doing collage kind of things.

Kayla Huszar: 17:31

I actually find that it holds my attention longer. So that would be one. And my second is intentional music listening and so like putting on music that is either going to like boost my mood or honor my mood for a moment or like allow me to kind of process, to process an emotion. But yeah, I really like there's music playing pretty much from the time I wake up till the kids go to bed, just because I find that it really helps all of us like regulate and be more present with each other.

Emma Benyon: 18:12

I love that. I think one thing that me and my daughter, you know, we haven't done it as much, because I started listening to audio books in the car instead, because that's something that I find it really difficult to read and that's when it comes to being accessible, doesn't it? Well, there's another way to do that. I can listen to it in the car, like when I drive. I've got 40 minute drive to drop my daughter off at school sometimes. Well, I can, you know, listen to most of a chapter in 40 minutes depending on, so that you know reframing it in that way that actually there's another way. We listen to musicals a lot in the car and we sing a lot, which that is a definite mood booster.

Emma Benyon: 18:51

But I think you know all the things that we've kind of said. Obviously, apart from going to the gym, because you know you're going to jump into the gym, unless you've got a home gym you can do with other people, and that's an important element of that as well, isn't it? That actually has to just be on your own. It can be with others as well, especially during half-terms, weekends, you know maybe the kids are off school, sick or whatever that actually those practices don't necessarily need to stop. It's just a reframe and maybe a bit of a change and switch up of how you might do them.

Kayla Huszar: 19:28

Yes, absolutely, and I think that really feeds into that. Is it achievable or can my capacity? Do I have the capacity for that thing today? And so, yeah, like you said, that's a really good like noticing around, okay well with the kids are sick or you know, we're on break or whatever. I can't maybe go to the gym as often as I'd like to, depending on work schedules and all those kinds of things, and so to have you know the thing that you can do at home or in your car or, you know, with other people, is really important.

Kayla Huszar: 20:03

I've actually had a lot of people message me about how I actually do art with my kids around, because it can take a lot of it's a lot of like brain power right to like set them up with something so that I can work on something, or having the patients or the capacity for them to like want to join me or want to make something. And it can kind of make my skin crawl sometimes, of like this is my thing, this is my time.

Kayla Huszar: 20:31

Can you just let me have a thing? But it's that experimenting. That inner commitment to myself is that I am going to figure out a way to do this so that I don't have to do it in seclusion. Because if I wait, if I have to wait for that opportunity when I am alone and all of the stars align and all of the things, then truthfully, in this phase of life that I'm in, I would never do it.

Kayla Huszar: 21:04

And to me, for me, that is a really big barrier, because creativity, whether it's art journaling or just sitting down to read or write poetry, whatever it is, is part of a non-negotiable for me, like it is on the to-do list with just as much priority as some of the other things, and so it has taken me like my oldest is nine, and it has taken me probably two or three years in the middle there, when we added in our second child to really figure out the groove between what I can handle reading the room in terms of what they can handle in the moment, like how much stimulus do I add to this, what do I get them to be doing while I'm doing that? And so it does. It takes some finessing. It's not just like I sit down in art journal and it goes perfectly every time, which is what people see on social media right when I post about it.

Kayla Huszar: 22:03

It's like look what I did today. They're like how did you do that? It takes practice.

Emma Benyon: 22:12

And.

Kayla Huszar: 22:13

I think you know someone told me this about a meditation practice which I'm not consistent with, but it's like, not every time you sit down to meditate is it going to give you that feel good feeling that you search for every time you sit down to meditate. For those who do do that, and I've really taken that message into the other self-care moments in my life and have been like, okay, even if I don't get that like perfect feel good, totally stress, removing feeling from this activity, the like the gold star comes from the fact that I tried, or that I set the intention to, or that I just, even if I only did it for five minutes, it's still five minutes.

Emma Benyon: 23:09

In that direction, and even though you didn't feel that benefit directly, there's still benefit. There isn't that being present in just taking a moment just to sit, just to be in whatever self-care practice you're doing and I think what you were talking about with the doing your art journal and the children you know then also needing to, you know, be involved or do the. You know, I think when we're doing things with them, when we're modelling that practice, we're gifting them, you know, the opportunity to also work out what is going to work for them as they grow in terms of looking after themselves, Like, is it that or is it doing this, Is it trying that? And also, I think those moments where we are all just present together as a family is also so, you know, energy refueling because you are just, even if you're not talking to each other, you're just doing, you're all present together in that moment. And I think that's also a really beautiful addition to self-care when we do it with others as well.

Kayla Huszar: 24:19

Yes, and I think it shows them the importance of prioritising yourself.

Kayla Huszar: 24:28

And no, like no judgment or shame to anybody who is listening to this and currently does all of their self-care separate from their families, none whatsoever.

Kayla Huszar: 24:38

But I think when you can and the activities align with your children being able to be around whatever that reading, colouring, whatever it looks like I think it shows them that you're willing to try and that your needs matter right and that this can be just my thing. You know, like my kids don't often ask to do colour on my art anymore because I've set the boundary that this is my thing, and sometimes they are totally allowed to, right, and sometimes I will say yes, but most of the time they understand that this is like, this is my activity and I enjoy it and I'm going to give you all the materials if you want to do it yourself on your own paper. But it sets that up to be exploratory and be open and try things. Maybe art isn't your kids thing or your teenagers, or whatever it looks like, but as a woman raising two boys, I want them to understand the value that women take time to take care of themselves.

Emma Benyon: 26:00

Definitely, and I think you know, when we think about different family make-ups, how much time people have, it is so individual and it is so personal.

Emma Benyon: 26:11

Self-care gets to be that it's not what you know doesn't have to be what I've said is my favourite thing doesn't have to be what you said is yours. It can be something completely different and you have to do what works for you with the time that you have, with how your life is already set up. And if you try it and it doesn't work, or your kids being there doesn't work, okay, you learn from that and I think there's so much learning in you know, maybe making those mistakes, trialling things, it doesn't work, okay, will I try something else. And that is absolutely, you know, having that permission to actually just try. Yes, you know, we give that same permission to our kids. You know we give them the same kindness and compassion if they make a mistake. You know, if we think about a kid learning to ride a bike or we don't say to them well, you fell off it, it didn't work, don't try again.

Kayla Huszar: 27:09

Don't ever try again. You work perfect.

Emma Benyon: 27:12

Yeah, you don't say that we say come on, give it another go. What you did there was really good. Try this next time. I'm here, we're going to keep going, and that's exactly the same way that we should be speaking to ourselves in terms of self care and also in terms of all the new things that we might go and try.

Kayla Huszar: 27:30

Yes.

Emma Benyon: 27:31

You know yes.

Kayla Huszar: 27:34

I have a friend who bakes like and she bakes to win is like she, that is her thing, right, and I, I can't comprehend the like, all of the dishes and all of the pieces and the timing of the baking of the thing and the icing of the thing, like I. Just my brain doesn't work like that. I'm like I'm good at muffins or I'm good at like pretty standard cupcakes, you know, but she does, she, she, she does these things. I have another friend who runs and I cannot imagine running or prioritizing it, making the time for it Like it is absolutely not in my wheelhouse. I also hate yoga. People think is really surprising because I'm a little bit like medium woo, woo. You know, like I like crystals and tarot cards and art therapy. I don't like yoga I can.

Kayla Huszar: 28:23

A friend of mine invited me to her yoga class and I was like I love you, but I, I'm just not gonna, I just I can't, it is not in my wheelhouse and and I gave those things all a really good go Right Like. I went to a couple of yoga classes. All my therapists were like you know, maybe you need yoga calm your mind, calm your body, calm your brain, and it was like I. I enjoyed it enough to keep trying it, and then it was like this is not my thing. I much prefer more like kit routines or like fast kind of like moving, intense go activity, and so it's also the. The experimenting really also allows you to understand what are your nose Like, what are the things that you're not going to prioritize, that you won't participate in. You know, after you've maybe been curious about it.

Kayla Huszar: 29:14

But but also understanding that, like, I will always come back to art, journal, music. That's just like on my worst day, that's what I'm going to do, because I've stretched that muscle since I was 14. And so it for me, it just it's, it's a, it's a, it's a normal and expected part of how I cope. I was having a hard day the other day. My friend was like you need to make art about it, you know, and it's just like, and it just it totally made sense. I was like, why didn't I think of that? But that's the thing, isn't it?

Emma Benyon: 29:53

It's, it's got to be something that works for us and individually, and you're going to know when, when you find that thing, because it's going to be something that you really notice when you don't do it.

Kayla Huszar: 30:11

Yes, so true, yes, oh, emma, thank you so much for being here and busting some myths about self care and giving giving the listeners the gift of the achievable and fun context at which they look at self care through. Because we have so much prescribed self care that it can. I already feel more free, just from this conversation, in identifying the simple things in my toolbox that are achievable and fun. So, thank you so much for being here, Thank you.