2 Secrets to Overcoming Mom Burn Out with Autumn McKay

Mama, have you ever felt like you’re teetering on the edge of burnout?

Autumn McKay joins us to share her story from burn out and exhaustion to gratitude.

Waking up in emotional overwhelm was normal for Autumn until she discovered the profound impact of practising gratitude.

Our heartfelt discussion uncovers the "messy middle" of motherhood, where admitting that you're struggling is the first step. The second is the game-changing habit of gratitude journaling.

Throughout the episode, we talk about how noticing the simple daily wins and lessons can be a breath of fresh air while child-rearing, and how communication is crucial to sharing the mental load.

We delve into Gottmans' theories on relationship dynamics, emphasizing the need for open communication about emotional labour and the distribution of household chores.

Listen to the end to find out how to cultivate a robust journaling practice, creating a special space that anchors you in positivity.

For all the mothers tuning in, our conversation promises to equip you with practical tips to harness gratitude and refill your spirit, make sure to check out the Full Life Gratitude Journal for Moms, written by Autumn. 

With Autumn's insights, you're going to be thriving not just surviving.

Chapters

• 0:02 Navigating Burnout Through Gratitude
• 8:31 Navigating Burnout and Gratitude Practices
• 21:59 Developing a Gratitude Journaling Routine

Transcript

Kayla Huszar: 0:02

Well, welcome everyone to the Chill. Like a Mother podcast. I'm Kayla Huzar, the host, and we are here with Autumn McKay and we are going to be talking all things burnout, specifically in motherhood, and how we navigate it, how we heal it, how we cope with it, and we're going to give you the juice right off the bat. So, Autumn, before we get into an introduction of yourself, I would like to start with tell me about the moments that led you to realize that the burnout you were experiencing was real and that you needed to do something about it.

Autumn McKay: 0:37

Yeah, so at the time I had three young children, I believe three under three. I had three young children, I believe three under three. And so I just remember like waking up every day kind of like in a negative attitude already and just like, oh, what do I have to do today? Like what are my to-dos and what else is going on, and um, and just kind of like already frustrated before I even got out of bed. Um, and I didn't like that feeling because it's not like my normal self, um, and I also remember being like just always feeling overwhelmed and overly emotional, like I'm not I'm not typically like a crier, but I remember like little things setting me off and crying a lot, and so like I knew something was not right at that moment and so I started like trying to figure out what it was, um, and I also took on a lot of um, a lot on myself as a mother, because I felt like if I wasn't doing it myself, then I was failing as a mother um, which is totally not true.

Autumn McKay: 1:59

Like you can, you can ask for help and you can accept help when it's offered to you, and and. But I felt like if I didn't do it, then I wasn't being a good mom. So that's when I realized like something needed to change.

Kayla Huszar: 2:20

Absolutely Three under three, like I heard you say already, kind of already irritated, you know, at eye open moment this, like perpetual overwhelm, heightened emotions. So how, this is like the messy middle where people are right. Like a lot, of, a lot of moms, including myself, have been in these places, I feel like this is a lesson I have to learn over and over again. But how, how do you get from this Like, okay, I'm acknowledging, I'm acknowledging that this thing is happening to me. I don't really love it. What, what was the?

Kayla Huszar: 2:59

next step for you.

Autumn McKay: 3:01

So my husband he had been. He is a like avid listener of many, many different podcasts, and so he turned me on to podcasts. But he had been listening to a lot of entrepreneur podcasts because we had started a business at that time and he had noticed that many entrepreneurs start their day with gratitude. Like they wake up and they do practice gratitude during their like meditation or morning routine, and so he himself had started practicing gratitude. Like he gets up really early and goes to the gym really early, and so when he woke up, he would start practicing gratitude really early. And so when he woke up, he would start practicing gratitude and I just noticed like a shift in him of like be more mindful of me and our kids, and like he would offer to do the dishes for me, which he had not done in our eight years of marriage prior to that. So I was like what is going on? Um, so he like told me about it and, uh, and I saw the change in him. So I was like, well, maybe I should try that, Maybe that will like help me out. And so I did.

Autumn McKay: 4:18

I started trying that when I would wake up and, um, I would sit up in a quiet spot in our room and start the day with gratitude. I'd focus on three things I was thankful for that day and it really worked. It helped me to like shift my mindset to be positive in the morning and I noticed myself like throughout the day picking up on little things I was grateful for that I could meditate. On the next day, However, as a mom or a woman, I noticed that my mind kind of shifted to like oh, this reminded me of this thing I have to do, or like the spaghetti brain, where something you're grateful for connects to something else, and so my mind was like bouncing all around.

Autumn McKay: 5:12

So I figured journaling would be better for me, because then I can just like write and focus on the things I was grateful for. And so that's what I I've been doing since then. Let's see, been almost seven years. I started that and it's it's been really, really good for me. There's sometimes that like the burnout kind of pops up, but most of the time I can. I can get it under control with gratitude or other things, just because I can recognize it more easily now.

Kayla Huszar: 5:52

Something just popped into my mind what do you think the difference between gratitude and like toxic positivity is? Cause I think there can be this like connection out in the world that like, if I'm being grateful, it's just like for some people it can feel like I'm just putting a bandaid on it. Right, I'm just like I'm just reframing it, but I'm not actually like dealing with the burnout or the anxiety or whatever the thing is that I'm trying to like counteract with the gratitude. Do you have any perspective on that?

Autumn McKay: 6:33

So that's interesting. I've never been asked that, but yeah, that is a good question. So I think like actually like being grateful is like you think of what you're grateful for, but you like really really take it to heart. It's not just like think of what you're grateful for, but you like really really take it to heart. It's not just like, oh, I'm grateful for this house that I live in. No, I think it's like this house keeps me warm, like what is it about that thing that you're grateful for that really like sinks into your heart and like really sticks to you?

Kayla Huszar: 7:05

Mm-hmm. And so how tell me the connection between the burnout you were experiencing as a you know, three under three and this connection with gratitude, like was it? Did you feel it like overnight? Did you feel it building? Were there moments still of frustration if your kids woke up too early and you couldn't do it, or that spaghetti brain thing started happening? Can you tell us a little bit more about like, how do you, how do you stay consistent with it? You know, how do you, how do you navigate through some of the roadblocks? You know of that that morning, that morning routine for you.

Autumn McKay: 7:45

So yeah, so sometimes my kids did wake up early, you, um, so yeah, so sometimes my kids did wake up early, but, um, so I just have to find quiet moments in the day when, when I can do it, if they like wake up early or um, I try to wake up before them so they. They typically wake up around the same time each morning, so I kind of know when to set my alarm. But sometimes I hit snooze or something. So, yeah, if that happens, then I just pick other quiet moments to be able to focus on the gratitude. It. It took some time for it to happen, um, but just being consistent with it, it really I could see like the shift. It was a gradual shift, um, so, yeah, I think maybe a couple weeks is how long I could. I could see like a, a big change where I was starting to feel like myself again. Um, and then what was the other question that you had?

Kayla Huszar: 8:56

I forgot the roadblocks. You know when, when something feels frustrating, or you know you you don't do it for a few days or it's not. Um, you know, maybe today's session didn't feel as great as yesterday's, and so do you. You know when you feel kind of defeated about a ritual or a rhythm that you can get into.

Autumn McKay: 9:18

Um, yeah, so, yeah, that does happen and I um, so I created a gratitude journal, mainly for myself, um, when I was going through through burnout, but it's a journal that I published for other moms to use. And, um, in that journal it has spots where, like, I can list my goals for the day or my long-term goals, and I think, um, those help me to like stay on track and to feel like I'm moving towards something good. And it also has a place in the journal to write down a win for the day or a lesson that you learn, because I feel, like a lot of times in motherhood, like we just get in the motion of going through the day and it just feels very like mundane. So I think it's good for us or at least it was for me to write down a win that I had for that day and I can just be something small, like no one complained about what I fixed for dinner tonight. So, and then there's always a lesson that you can learn, and so, for me, those are the things that help me when I hit those roadblocks.

Autumn McKay: 10:44

And then, as a family, my husband and I, we started implementing that. We go around the dinner table each night and everyone says something that they're grateful for. That way our kids um can start practicing it early and and they hopefully don't hit this like burnout stage um and and then it also helps us to have a chance to like refocus at the end of the day because, yes, we practice gratitude in the morning and we hopefully like carry that gratitude with us the rest of the day. But sometimes you know, when things are rushed at dinner time and like homework needs to be done and chores need to be done and dinner is burning or whatever like, you kind of lose that gratitude for a little bit. So practicing it with our kids at dinner is really helpful to like refocus us as well.

Kayla Huszar: 11:40

I'm curious about this moment that your husband started doing the dishes, and I am I'm I'm curious about a bit of your speculation around. If you had found gratitude first, do you think it would have been as impactful in the same way, Because your partner was already starting to participate more in the domestic stuff?

Autumn McKay: 12:10

I don't know, probably not as much I would say, because, yeah, that was a real like what's going on, like something's changed. A moment for me, like he's always been very helpful, but but he was normally like outside guy and I'm in in the house person. So, um, when, yeah, when he just like felt or knew that I did not enjoy dishes, like that was one chore that I did not enjoy, and he took it over for me, um it was really like all all right, well, something, something has happened, so yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm just.

Kayla Huszar: 12:59

I'm thinking about the listeners who, who maybe are not in that place, and their, their mental load and their um, the emotional labor and the, the division of labor, is not close to equal, or you know partners who are not participating in many of the ways. And so I was just I was curious about that because I think when we talk about burnout in motherhood, as a therapist I see a lot, a lot more roadblocks. When the partner is or the applicable partner or support, people are not able to lighten the load yeah, um, yeah, that is tough, um.

Autumn McKay: 13:49

so my father-in-law he was a marriage counselor for many, many years and he recommended to many of his couples basically to be kind, like that was his main advice. And so I think, for those that are in that situation, I think that maybe, like still showing kindness to that their partner or their husband or spouse or whatever I think that could be eye-opening for them and then maybe they could share what is going on and hopefully connect through through that time absolutely there's.

Kayla Huszar: 14:47

Uh, this is something I share with my clients a lot. There's a, a theory that has been developed by the Gottmans. If you've, if anybody has, read books, they're amazing. If you haven't, please Google them, like right now. They are so amazing and they have this theory in. I want to say it's the seven principles book. I've read both the seven principles and the relationship cure, so I can't remember which one it's in. But, um, basically, they say, like if you're the person who's noticing the inadequacy in the relationship, then you have a responsibility to share that with your partner. If you're in a safe and relatively healthy relationship, um, if it's not going to rock the boat or put you in any danger or harm because the other person can't know what they don't know.

Autumn McKay: 15:39

Exactly.

Kayla Huszar: 15:40

Yeah, even though it should, it could be in plain sight, or it should be in plain sight, right, like as as the, as the female or the mother or the doer in the relationship. You know, you're doing the dishes, doing the laundry, taking care of the kids, getting up with them in the morning, um, fixing the meals, registering for swimming lessons. If you're doing all of that, your partner should be able to, you know, connect the dots on your, your burnout or your overwhelm or whatever it is, um, but they legitimately can't know what they don't know. And when it comes to like personhood and your own feelings and communication, if I am the person who notices the disparity, I'm the person who has to say it out loud.

Autumn McKay: 16:32

And I've also learned that, um men, don't they need to be told like directly, like what is going on or what is inadequate? Um, they're not going to pick up on like cues like women do, so they appreciate the directness actually yes, yeah, actually it's funny because my husband and I just had this conversation on the weekend.

Kayla Huszar: 16:57

He's had a job change and so we're just right in the messy middle of a new transition of roles and who does what and what the monthly rhythm looks like. And and he, he again said to me, you just have to tell me. And I had this moment of pure rage, of like but I shouldn't right. And then it was like, okay, you got to check yourself, because in this moment, if we just break it down to, without the emotion involved, if we just break it down to what's being communicated, he's asking for what he needs, like he's asking for it to be broken down.

Kayla Huszar: 17:36

And so we, we together, need to set time aside to have that longer conversation outside of this like nitpicky argument that we're having to actually sit down and lay down what he is responsible for, what I'm responsible for, what I need to be taken off of my plate, um cause, yeah, it's like burnout. I'm relearning. I'm relearning it again right now, in real time. Right now in real time, because our whole routine has shifted based on his new job, and what was normal is now not normal, and so like having to sit down and and communicate that again, again. Like we we have been together for 20 years like we have had this conversation many, many times and every time I think that the problem is solved, it's not. We have had this conversation many, many times and every time I think that the problem is solved, it's not. We have to have it again, yeah.

Autumn McKay: 18:39

Yeah, yeah.

Kayla Huszar: 18:42

So tell me, tell me how in like for someone who has never done gratitude journaling before. Tell me, like step one to the end, where you're like closing your book up, what? What is your process?

Autumn McKay: 18:59

um, so I recommend getting a journal um your journal yeah, great, even better.

Autumn McKay: 19:09

Um, and so it's it in the first page. It tells you, like, what to do, um, step by step, and then it turn the next page and it will direct you. You um, at the top, you write down three things you're thankful for, like it has lines and numbered, and then, um, if that's the bit bare minimum that you can do, then just do that part. But if you um find yourself wanting more, then you can also um.

Autumn McKay: 19:46

On that page there is you can write down a goal that you have for the day. I like to do that just because if I can do that one thing, then I feel like my day is good. If, then, there's long term goals that you can write down to like work towards, and then there is a spot to write down like a reflection or prayer time, and then you can write down at the bottom. You can go back at the end of the day and write down a win that you had or a lesson that you learned, yeah, but if if all you can do right now is just write down the three things that you're grateful for, then you'll, you'll begin to notice a shift in your mindset notice a shift in your mindset.

Kayla Huszar: 20:42

Do you have any um any tricks or you know hacks that um make the process either like easier or more fulfilling, in in the actual act of like sitting down to do?

Autumn McKay: 20:49

it. So I find it easier if I get up before my kids get up. I like that. I'm not a morning person at all, I would prefer to stay in bed. But I find that if I can have like some time by myself before the kids wake up and the house is quiet, and then I find that that is the best time for me. So I recommend finding the time of day that is best for you.

Autumn McKay: 21:22

So it could be in the morning, before the kids get up. It could that time that you enjoy, that you can like focus and reflect on the day. It's good. And then for myself, if I get out of bed like if I set my alarm and then actually get out of bed to journal, it's better for me because then I can't hit the snooze button. So like having one spot in your house where you can journal, like it will begin to change your mind. Like when you go to that spot, like this is time to focus and journal. So that could be like the kitchen table with your cup of coffee, or it could be a chair in your bedroom, or it could be like your favorite spot on the couch, wherever you need.

Autumn McKay: 22:24

But so having the time of day and your like favorite spot. I think those two things are really good favorite spot.

Kayla Huszar: 22:35

I think those two things are really good. Well, thank you, Autumn, for your wisdom around practicing gratitude and how to have a daily rhythm of a gratitude practice or just a journaling practice, and we are so grateful for your resource of the full life gratitude journal for moms. I will include that link, um in the show notes, for sure, and um, I'm so glad that you were able to to meet us today.

Autumn McKay: 23:04

Yeah, thank you for having me.