Cranky Mom Syndrome: How to be more flexible with unknowns with Catherine Mellinger

Are you a mom struggling to navigate the unknowns of parenting? 

Do you find yourself experiencing Cranky Mom Syndrome more often than not? If so, you're not alone. In this podcast episode, Kayla and Catherine explore how creativity and play can be powerful tools for healing in motherhood. 

Cranky Mom Syndrome: When you’re trying to be in the know about all the things and unknowns are hard.

Using expressive arts therapy, we can rekindle our sense of curiosity, wonder, and play, and learn to navigate the stressors of parenting. 

Art-making is a unique form of truth-telling that can help moms deal with all the unknowns in parenting.

When you're caught up in Cranky Mom Syndrome, it's important to notice the crankiness that comes with the unknowns. 

• Acknowledge the unknown and that you might be cranky about it. 
• Say to yourself, "Yup, there is going to be something you didn't expect, you might be cranky for a few days and that's ok." 
• Accept that unknowns are part of life and survive the unexpected thing (most likely). 

If you're feeling stuck, try expressive art therapy. It's a powerful way to tap into your inner creativity and discover hidden parts of yourself. Through art, you can learn to express emotions, thoughts, and feelings that are difficult to put into words. 

So, tune in to this podcast episode and learn how to use creativity and play to navigate the unknowns of motherhood. 

Feel the magic and discover the power of expressive art therapy.

Chapters

• 0:00 Magic of Expressive Arts Therapy
• 12:08 Embracing Curiosity and Play in Parenting

Transcript

Kayla Huszar: 0:00

Like I have friends. I was just mouthing off to her about what happened in my life last week and she was like Kayla do art about it, like she knows me well enough. That is like I know you you're not going to get what you need from mouthing off about this, because you're going to feel bad about it, because you're going to say something that's mean Like you. Just, I know that I am right. I'm like, I'm heated and I'm mad, and she was like just make time this week to do some kind of expression about this. And it's like I I need, I need those spaces where people will remind me that this isn't just what I do for work. This is like this is what you do for your life, like it is, it's a resource in my life, it is the it's like you said, the way that I see the world is now different. Like I can't. I can't see it a different way now, and the way that you connect to yourself is now different.

Kayla Huszar: 1:03

see it a different way now and the way that you connect to yourself is now different.

Catherine Mellinger: 1:15

Oh, it is, it is magic and it does feel like medium level woo, woo. It does Like I know and I'm like I totally embrace the fact that I 1970s like voodoo magic. But that's okay, that's okay with me, cause I'm also like a successful business person. Yes, it's what makes my world go around.

Kayla Huszar: 1:39

You might be asking at this point, what is expressive arts therapy and why is it magic?

Kayla Huszar: 1:47

At this point, what is expressive arts therapy and why is it magic? Expressive arts therapy is an intermodal which is a fancy way of saying we do more than one thing form of art therapy that puts creativity and curiosity and play at the center of the human experience and at that center of the human's ability to work towards a different way of being. As therapists, what we do in partnership with you is we work together to shape it, to play with it, and let it inform us as we investigate your challenges, your stuck places, your unwanted patterns, your traumatic events, anything that you have experienced. Both Catherine and I support clients as we embrace curiosity in meeting the art that comes in, meeting the you that comes in session. Now I have this theory that the art cannot lie, that a client or you cannot lie while you're making art, and here we expand on that now and, yeah, you're right, like the art doesn't lie, like I mean, in that moment, whatever art happens is what's supposed to happen in that moment.

Catherine Mellinger: 2:55

Like it might sound really hippy dippy or whatever.

Catherine Mellinger: 2:59

It's so true, it's like I don't know, sometimes I equate it and not everybody is like into drawing cards or tarot or anything like that, but it's, it has a similarity where it's just like okay, well, this is what happened today, and maybe you're actually really frustrated with the thing that happened today, but that's also okay too, because it's telling us a story of like you're just glued to this, like I have to solve this problem or this experience, I need to heal from this experience, but that you already have a notion of that responsibility in yourself, which, again, rigidity, right, like the whole point of express words.

Catherine Mellinger: 3:36

Therapy is like how do you learn to play, how do you learn to be flexible? How do you learn to like be surprised, go veer off track and feel okay with that, and all of those things have feelings that come with them. So, yeah, it's like okay. So now the process is like how do you become okay with the fact that there are all of these other things that want to be talked about Because they're showing up here, here and you're really frustrated by that, but they're still showing up, right? It's like parts work, like I know you don't want the angry part of yourself to drive the bus, but it's driving the bus, so we might want to like talk to the driver and figure out how not to crash the bus.

Kayla Huszar: 4:19

Right, like we got to navigate this safely home, whatever that looks like.

Catherine Mellinger: 4:23

Yeah, like, can we ask the driver to like pull over and park so we can have a conversation? You're not like driving off a cliff, I mean. I just, I don't know, I feel like a total expressive arts therapy nerd. Like I just love it. Like I love it so much because it's so surprising. Like, as a therapist, I get to continually be surprised as well by like what lands, what doesn't land, what's made, what's not made? Um, where somebody ends up materially being interested. That was not what was expected, cause I'll have people who are like well, I'm into doodling and I'm like, okay, and then eventually they'll end up like playing instruments instead or something. Um, I like the unknowns a bit and it's made me so much more comfortable and I still hate unknowns. But I would say, instead of hating unknowns and being scared of unknowns, now I'm just like this is uncomfortable and I'm cranky, but like I get that unknowns are necessary, it helped me flex the unknown part of my own brain to just be like yep, there's going to be something you didn't expect and that's okay, and you're probably going to be cranky for a couple of days, but you can still name that unexpected things make you cranky and then survive the unexpected thing. So I kind of I kind of love and I think maybe other therapists would say this too Like you just constantly learn when you're working with people. You constantly learn about yourself as a therapist, about different directions that maybe you need to take, different professional development. You need to be, um, thinking about the types of clients that come to you, where you're like, huh, suddenly I'm working with a lot of clients who have had like intimate partner violence. I might want to, you know, go, I'm actually becoming super interested. Um, I do often just feel like for me as a therapist, it just keeps coming. It just keeps coming back to expressive arts therapy, and I wouldn't even say coming back to art, because I think art is very different than expressive arts therapy in the sense of, like, what you actually are offering a client in session, which is like you can go get a pot and we can work with the pot, right, um, but I just I just feel like I'm constantly transforming in the things that happen in sessions with other clients too. Um, yeah, I just love the work. I think it's just really fascinating.

Catherine Mellinger: 7:05

And then, especially for parents, especially parents who are struggling in the postpartum period because you are stuck, like so many people are just really stuck and it's not, and it's so many different levels of stuckness. It's like you're literally stuck in a routine. Yes, you are literally tied to a human being and, sure, like some people can choose to have a nanny or childcare or care, whatever like that, but most of the people that I work with do not have those things available. Um, you have this multiplicity of constructs that are suddenly getting you stuck in that period and and like how completely ironic that you're raising a human being who is just taught that play is the centrality of all of life and development and yet we're completely stuck because society has not told us that we are also allowed, as parents, to embrace play and development as being central to our parenting experience. It's like, oh, that's what the babies do to figure out the world. It's like, no, that's what we're supposed to.

Kayla Huszar: 8:18

We are all supposed to do.

Catherine Mellinger: 8:21

That's what we're all supposed to do. We didn't just like turn 18 and then like stop exploring the world, like that's not how this works.

Catherine Mellinger: 8:27

No um no society, and teachers and older generations and and the media have all told us that that is a complete sucking waste of time oh yeah, it's not important and it's like I mean, thank god there's actually some neuroscience that's coming in that's actually exploring like the benefits of play for adults on the brain.

Catherine Mellinger: 8:50

I think we've siphoned it into certain areas. Yes, I don't know if you've read um barbara aaron reich has a really beautiful book called dancing in the streets and it sort of talks about how we've like compartmentalized the way in which we experience communal joy and like participation. So she looked, she's a sociologist, so she's looking historically at like how festivals used to be embedded into life or like you know. She references like the Roman amphitheaters and like lion fights and all that stuff, and so we have kind of it used to be a lot more built into our culture that there would be like parades and festivals and all that stuff. Now we've kind of like siphoned it into like and festivals and all that stuff. Now we've kind of like siphoned it into like that happened, that part of me existed a football game, or like I only get to do that on the Christmas day parade you know um or?

Catherine Mellinger: 9:47

I only get to experience that when I pay for a ticket to go to a museum where they have a sensory room Like that's where I get to have that experience that we've sort of hyper siphoned it. But when you become a parent, it's like you have this amazing opportunity to just be malleable again with your kid, but like society has told us that that's separate from who we are. You are the parent, they are the child. This is what they have to learn, to develop and you need to keep them on that track.

Catherine Mellinger: 10:20

It's like there's no room for veering anymore and like we have to work full-time jobs to afford our homes, all those social contracts all the things also don't allow us to actually have room to veer, also don't allow us to actually have room to veer unless we have the privilege to be able to do that. But I think that's where expressive arts, therapy and parenting kind of intersect, because you're just like no, like you are allowed to play. You are allowed to like play with your kids, to watch your kids play and be inspired by it and not see it as like a waste of time. To watch your kids play and be inspired by it and not see it as like a waste of time. You are allowed to be as curious as they are when they like, suddenly, in the middle of walking to school, just drop to the sidewalk because there's like ants coming out of a crack and suddenly you're 20 minutes late. Who fucking cares Be 20 minutes late? You can explain it to the school, I mean, if you're able sure, some people again privilege, like if you need to show up at work, if you need, but you can at least say holy crow, my kid just went straight for that. Huh, like, maybe when I do have time I will tell, will tell my kid. Hey, I wonder if the answer is still there. And after school, when we're not as rushed, or on the weekend, when we're not as rushed, we're gonna go find the ants again and actually get to embrace that moment. Because we couldn't embrace it. Because now I'm just like I will stop. Like if my kid notices something on the way to school and my co-parent says the same thing, he's like we stared at a tree for 10 minutes and I'm like, yes, man, like this is what I want to teach my kids. I think those are beautiful moments.

Catherine Mellinger: 12:09

I love it when my kids just stop, full on stop because they saw something, and for sure like I'm not always happy about it, because sometimes I'm cranky and I'm late and whatever, no, of course In which case I say to them like, oh my God, I really wish we had time for this Like I'm sorry, I'm rushing you know here's other ways that we could not be rushed in the morning. But I love when my kids just full on stop in the middle of the walk to school or the middle of whatever and are just like, boom, I'm in this moment. I just noticed a thing. I need to tell you about it. It's super important. It's making me think of all this other stuff. Now I have a drawing idea. Now this now I'm thinking of this video game Like I love those moments.

Catherine Mellinger: 12:48

I love because it's like get the fuck, get your head out of your ass, yeah. And just like be here with your kid. And I actually had a relationship therapist that also kind of tied it to a relationship and attachment to where she was like those are bids for connection. Your kids are asking you in that moment to be in an experience with them. That's a bid for connection. That's them saying you're an important person to me. I want to share this with you because this is cool and I hope you think it's cool too. And if we continue to like not allow those moments to happen, then we're basically just saying I can't take the connection, I can't take the connection, I can't take the connection, yeah. So I love it when my kids get distracted for like half an hour or whatever, and and it yeah Like banking those for later and then just being like okay, we have like three minutes to notice, to notice the ants, because your teacher is going to be mad at me for you.

Catherine Mellinger: 13:48

Yeah, or I have a meeting or life or a dentist appointment to get to they're on the way home, right, like let's see if the answer's still there on the way home. Do you want me to check them on my way back home and I can take a picture? I've done that for my kids too, where I'm just like do you want me to take a video of it on the way home and then I can offer that also helps him be able to move on. So I take a lot of pictures of things to like bank it so that it's not lost.

Kayla Huszar: 14:24

Yeah.

Catherine Mellinger: 14:25

Yeah, but I don't think I would have been able to do that as a parent. I think some people can just naturally do that and they don't lose their sense of play and their sense of curiosity. I tend to gravitate towards those people, but I think the majority of us have lost that and the majority of us would really benefit from gaining some of that back. And if you do have the privilege of becoming a parent because I also think just becoming a parent is a privilege for so many reasons it's just such an opportunity to play again. And I'm grateful that I had the expressive arts experience going into being a parent so that I was like, wait a second, I have these skills. So even if I feel like I'm putting on my therapist hat in this moment to survive this parenting thing, like eventually I can hire my own therapist to help me integrate that. Yes, oh yes.

Kayla Huszar: 15:35

And thank you for naming that, that curiosity and that play and how you navigate some of those moments with play, because the algorithm information that I am fed is a lot of like scripts and how to do something, and I think those things are really important because in some of those moments I actually don't know how to navigate it. So I think and I've witnessed this parents generally are so overwhelmed and stuck in their own stuff some of it negotiable. That play is like an inconvenience Right, and like my husband can access it, like they can. They will create this entire safari scenario and there are like other characters and there are other like it will go on for hours, like hours, and my kids asked me to play Lego and I'm like, um, yeah, yeah, you're like, where's the instructions?

Catherine Mellinger: 17:01

can you create the?

Kayla Huszar: 17:03

storyline and I'll just like add my little bits in. Like I 100% agree with you about, if I had not experienced now accumulatively many 10-hour days trained in an expressive arts therapy, providing curiosity to other people and and really nerding out about it, I would have a completely different view of it, this rigidity about it. And I know that because I experienced two years without it, like two years not without it, because I did take like expressive arts and play-based therapy, like in university and and there was a lot of like alternative viewpoints I kind of already had right and so that really helped. But there is like before I was an expressive arts therapist and there is after and those, those two lives are very different yeah, yeah, I would say the same thing for me too, which is so similar to like your life before having children.

Catherine Mellinger: 18:16

Yes, your life after having children, like it really is this. Yeah, I, I definitely totally agree. There's like the person, the way that I saw the world before studying express force therapy, the way that I see the world after studying express force therapy, in the way that I see myself now after being a parent. Yeah, for sure, and it can be so tiny too, like I think that's what's also I was going to say, like talking about the script thing, it's like, well, what a beautiful drama therapy piece. Let's write the script right. Like that's really where it comes from.

Catherine Mellinger: 18:54

Sometimes we need the lines, we need to think about the lines and write the lines and, um, but also this kind of the teeny tiny elements of it too, cause sometimes I have people that are like, well, you know, can I still work with you? Cause I know you're like an expressive arts therapist and we're not really doing any art, and I was like, oh, let's have a conversation about that, that you don't think you're doing art. Like let's actually see the places where we have been playing. Like let's actually see the places where we have been playing um. That don't. They don't fall into the category of what you think seeing an art therapist or an expressive arts therapist looks like, because I think I've also been forced especially with like the online like I've been forced to like truly think about what is providing an expressive arts therapy experience for people.

Catherine Mellinger: 19:44

Because it's huge, right, like, over here, is this like a really ideal. I've been through the structure, I've been through all the parts of the session, I've done all of the, I've done like all of the expressive arts therapy frameworks here and we've participated in like multiple art forms and we've done an intermodal transfer and like that's over here, that's like the gold, you know, yeah, the thing you would love to have in every session. But then you're over here where it's like, how can I introduce like one little tidbit of the idea of play, or one moment that allows you to be curious? That still actually is heading us over into that direction of being able to engage more in an expressive arts therapy framework, of being in therapy, instead of, like, when you are done, when we are done this therapeutic relationship, you will have a portfolio of artworks to take home with you. Some people will, some people, but not all people. I would say most people won't, most people won't.

Kayla Huszar: 20:55

No, it's the talking through a metaphor, it's the finding that grounding thing in your room. It's finding that moment of curiosity or flexibility or just even a perspective shift, just in the way that I think expressive arts therapy people, whether they're therapists or facilitators, how they talk, how they or facilitators, how they talk, how they ask questions, how they show up to that space, right Like I have spent several sessions where nobody does any art like visual, visual art. But we have climbed the Grand Canyon and we have walked up Mount Everest in our sandals and we have stood on the edge of a cliff or we, you know, like all of that is the, the, the body centered approach of the roots of expressive arts therapy.

Kayla Huszar: 21:58

And I mean man. We could talk about this for hours, like hours, um, but I'm mindful of our listeners time yes, yes, for sure. I.

Catherine Mellinger: 22:10

I am. I love that. We both love to nerd out about this stuff just like, I mean like literally it's like people who are expressive arts therapists just love to nerd out about.

Kayla Huszar: 22:18

They just do I actually had a therapist tell me once because I I was going to her because I was feeling really professionally burnt out and I was the things that I was saying in session she's, she's also um, uh, she practices expressive art therapy, and so she just said to me like you need an outlet, you need to nerd out about expressive art therapy with expressive art therapy people like that that is the message I'm receiving, right, is that, like it's not necessarily. I mean, yes, you could be burnt out, you could do less and all those things, but like this, like stuckness, is really that you need to, you need to find your people and you need to talk about this stuff, because right now you're just doing it in this like silo, like you're just doing right yeah, yeah, and that that part of you actually wants to come out and play with other people and play with other people who know the playground yeah, right.

Kayla Huszar: 23:12

Like who know the terms, who know the like, the joy of it, the fun of it. And I make it a goal to immerse myself in some kind of expressive art therapy experience on the receiving end. Yeah, at least once or twice a year, and not just like a single therapy session, which I also do attend with my own expressive art therapist. I want to be on the receiving end for like a day.

Catherine Mellinger: 23:39

Like an old friend haven't seen in a a while.

Kayla Huszar: 23:43

I need to do it for like a day we could. I'll nerd out with you anytime, like an entire series about expressive art therapy for parents.

Catherine Mellinger: 23:54

Future conversation. Let's do it.

Kayla Huszar: 23:57

A whole like mini series of you know how to integrate it into your life, or how to be more curious or like any of those things.

Catherine Mellinger: 24:04

Oh yeah, we're going to have this conversation.

Kayla Huszar: 24:08

Fantastic. Oh, okay, I love it. So I thank you so much for having this conversation.

Catherine Mellinger: 24:13

It was so nice to meet you because, yeah, this it is about finding your other people right, like your other people who know the work and who just yeah, like other people who have, like, tasted the magic.

Kayla Huszar: 24:26

Yeah, okay, thank you so much. I'm so grateful for you. We will continue this conversation. Yeah, okay, I'll talk to you later.

Catherine Mellinger: 24:36

Bye, thank you.