Chill Like a Mother Podcast
This show shares stories, offers tips and tricks, and provides education to help you feel more chill like the mother you know you want to be.
Hey! I'm Kayla Huszar, a creative counsellor who's all about unconventional therapy that encourages creativity, curiosity and finding what makes you feel alive (again). I've helped so many women navigate the waves (ups and downs) of motherhood, and I'm here for you, too!
So, if you're feeling overwhelmed or need a moment to yourself, grab your headphones and press play on an episode!
You're not alone, and you already know what you need.
Chill Like a Mother Podcast
6 Easy to Remember Tips for When Motherhood Sucks with Roxanne Francis
Motherhood—the word alone conjures up images of warmth and nurturing, but those of us in the thick of it know there's a whole other side to that coin.
Join me and my guest, Roxanne Francis, as we pull back the curtain on the realities of parenting, far from the sanitized, smiley-faced version we're often sold.
Our heart-to-heart explores everything from the overwhelming moments of caring for a newborn to the isolation that can lurk in early parenthood, all while celebrating the bittersweetness of raising kids.
Just because we’re therapists, it doesn't mean that we have it all together as mothers.
Sometimes things can fall apart, and it's okay to take a moment to yourself and cry. You don't have to be perfect, and it's okay to not have all the answers. Sometimes just showing up is enough.
"I'm grateful for the support that helped me get through those tough times. That's why I believe it's important to cultivate meaningful relationships because we can't navigate this life alone." Roxanne Francis
So, how do you make motherhood suck less, without adding more things to your already full plate? Tune in for a conversation that promises to be a beacon of light for any parent in search of solace, solidarity, and a dash of sanity.
Meet Kayla Huszar, the Host of the Chill Like a Mother Podcast
Hey, moms! I’m Kayla Huszar, and I’m here to help you calm the chaos in modern-day mothering with expressive art therapy. As a creative counsellor, I support moms who feel stuck and are looking to regulate their emotions, reduce anxiety, and tackle stress and overwhelm.
SOCIAL WORKER | EXPRESSIVE ART FACILITATOR | PERINATAL MENTAL HEALTH
Join me on Instagram for more tips and inspiration. And thank you for letting me be a part of your day—even with the kids running amok! If this episode helped you feel a bit more chill, please leave a rating or review. Your feedback helps the podcast reach more moms who need to hear it.
Welcome everyone to the Chill Like A Mother podcast. We are here with Roxanne Francis and we are going to talk today about how motherhood sucks. It is a wonderful myriad of bittersweet and loving and awesome and delight and magnificent and and some days it just sucks and there's no other way to describe it other than that to your point.
Roxanne Francis:So many people sell us this version of motherhood that is supposed to be beautiful and warm and cozy and butterflies and rainbows and fluffy clouds and and yes, there are moments, right, there's, there are moments but it really does suck, right? I remember when we first had our kid and we we had our baby in the hospital and we came home and the entire way home I kept thinking who's gonna watch us with this kid, like, like, based on his home with it, like he can't even sit up, like who's going to watch us with this kid, like, like, based on his home with it, like he can't even sit up? Like who's going to make sure that we're okay with this tiny human Right? And we had to try to figure it out and that the not sleeping and the diaper blowouts and my son had really bad what's that word? Reflux, and so there were times, you know, eventually my husband had to go back to work and one day I was driving with him and he started choking in the back and I had to pull over and like all of these things, right, nobody warns you about that garbage. All you find are the cute little diaper commercials on TV and people telling you have a baby.
Roxanne Francis:It's wonderful. Well, where are those people when I need an extra six pair of hands, like where are those people at 3am?
Roxanne Francis:Right, exactly, exactly. And you know again, um, parenting is, is, is beautiful and it can be so rewarding and you're pouring in your life, you're pouring life into these tiny humans. And they say the cute things and it's, it's great, and it's it's lovely and it can be warm at times, but there are many times when it is not. There are many times when it is thankless. There are many times when you are exhausted. There are many times when you're not getting enough support. There are many times when you don't know if you're coming or going, and it's very, very hard.
Kayla Huszar :I just had like a whole body experience, just like my entire body was just like equally tingly and equally like oh, yeah. No, we are not alone in it, and every person who I have talked to whether it be a client, a person in my life, a podcast guest has said almost the exact same thing, just using different words.
Roxanne Francis:Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's um, you know, and and also to you know you, you parent, and you feel like you get a handle and they're at this stage and you weren't sure about the stage and you kind of figure it out and then by the time you figure it out the next day they're on to the next stage and what you figured out is now null and void in this new stage and you're back to kind of flailing about all over again, trying to figure this out, trying to play catch up, and it's very frustrating and you often feel like you really don't know what you're doing and you don't.
Roxanne Francis:And our parents God love them are wanting to support us, but we are bent on ensuring that we don't parent our kids the way that they parented us, because they only had so many resources and we have to be kind to ourselves because we only have so many resources. Right, but we are here, as they did the best that they could, and we're here and we're going to do the best that we can and our kids will eventually get there. Mind you, they may end up in therapy talking about us, but that's okay. Hopefully they pay attention enough in school so they can afford therapy, right.
Kayla Huszar :Right, right, I actually will take it as like a compliment if my child is able to access therapeutic services when they need it. Whether it's about me or not, yeah, exactly, that will be like the highest compliments. Screw the how many cavities they have or what kind of job they have. It is like if they can be emotionally vulnerable enough to say to me or to another person I'm needing support because of X, y and Z, and if that's about me, we'll have to cross that bridge and accept that when it comes. But just as I intend to give the generation before me the benefit of the doubt, I hope that that is that same kindness is is projected backwards onto onto me as well, because I will be the first to admit in any room of parents that I have lost my cool. I have.
Kayla Huszar :I have done the things that I have tried to break the cycle. I have said the things that I promised I would never say I have. You know like I, I have been dysregulated, I have been ragey, I have been overstimulated, overwhelmed, and each time it happens, I'm hoping that to my family I am reducing its intensity or I am reducing its frequency. I hope that that's happening, but at the end of the day, I know that raising children in this exact timeframe, having been a parent before the pandemic, during the pandemic and now after, I know that they experienced things. Yeah, they have already experienced things.
Roxanne Francis:Yeah.
Kayla Huszar :From me and from other people in the world that have likely been harmful on some level. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Roxanne Francis:You know, we can't hide them from the world.
Roxanne Francis:Right, we can keep them in our homes for the first year or whatever, but eventually they will experience beyond us and we can't protect them from that and, quite frank, sometimes we shouldn't have I mean we shouldn't have to right, they will experience the world and they need to and they need to understand what it's like so that they can sort of adjust and figure out who they're going to be as human beings.
Roxanne Francis:Right, you know, one of the things that I often think is that we need to give ourselves permission to fail, right, so many times. There's a book that talks about giving our kids permission to fail. But we need to give ourselves permission to do the wrong thing, to fail, to apologize to the kids, to try to make it up, to know that even just because we fail doesn't mean that we are failures or that our children are going to fail, or it means the worst. Right, we are human beings having a human experience Right and mistakes. That's a part of that experience. We give ourselves so much grace and understanding for cursing people out in traffic, for making huge mistakes at work. You know, big CEOs lose millions of dollars for their companies and they leave with a golden parachute, like all these things people get a pass for, but yelling at your kids in Walmart, we're the worst.
Kayla Huszar :The worst, the worst, like the worst possible kind of human being.
Roxanne Francis:Yeah, yeah, and so we need to let go of that. I mean, society will do what it does and will say what it wants to say. It does and will say what it wants to say, but as moms and as parents, as a community of moms who, you know, support each other, we, as the ones who are raising these children, we have to let go of that. We need to give ourselves that permission, because it will really drive us up the wall, right, and it'll be hard to recover from. So we have to acknowledge that it's hard, but you're doing it right. It's hard, but your children ate this morning. For those of us who have the resources, right, it's hard but they're still here, right, and so, just like a lot of other things in life, it's hard but we're doing it.
Roxanne Francis:We're putting one foot in front of the other. They still love us, right, they still do, and so we need to give ourselves more permission, we need to give ourselves more grace and acknowledge, uh, to other moms that what you're doing is a hard thing. But I see you, I see you trying, I see you getting it done, I see you that doesn't matter that they're not getting it done and you're still okay.
Roxanne Francis:And yeah, right, we're still okay. There's no competition between you. Know who made the bread from scratch and who just had cereal for dinner? Right, there is no competition. Let's stop making that, because all we do is make ourselves miserable. When we make ourselves miserable, we can't raise children who feel resilient in this world, right? So we have to. We have to cut with the comparison, we have to give each other and give ourselves grace. And for those of us who do have partners to ask more of them, dare I say, right, hold their feet to the fire. You are happy to help me make this kid? So help me raise this kid right Like. Fold the laundry, you know. Go get the prescription, you know. Do the dishes. Clear the counter, wipe the snotty nose. It's not okay for you to say I don't clean vomit Like I don't do diapers, or I don't do you know whatever.
Kayla Huszar :Fill in the blank, right.
Roxanne Francis:I don't do fill in the blank, ma'am. Yes, I don't know it's not going to fly, right, it's. It's hard. It's hard. You know, as moms, we still get our period and if you live to whatever age it is, and you'll go through perimenopause and your body, your bodies will change and all the things and you still have to, you know, look pretty and be sexy and all the things that they expect. Right, what's that phrase that your job expects you to? How does it go? What's that phrase that your job expects you to? How does it go?
Kayla Huszar :Oh yeah, society expects you to parent like you have a job.
Roxanne Francis:Yes, work like you don't parent and parent like you don't work Right. And whether or not you have a job where someone pays you or your job is making sure that the home runs seamlessly it's all exhausting. Is making sure that the home runs seamlessly, it's all exhausting, right. And recognizing that, calling in reinforcements when you can, getting some shut-eye when you can, because we all over here are exhausted, tired, right, doing what is necessary for you to function right.
Roxanne Francis:I talk to my kids about when I'm exhausted, because they know that when mommy's tired, watch out. When mommy's tired, just do the thing when she asks you one time. So I kind of want I tell them listen, let me scrumpy because she's a little tired, and so they eat their churros with cockeyed like, why not? You know, looking at me, like, just do what she says, nobody gets hurt. Um, but recognizing your boundaries, where your limits are right, what's going to push you over? Having a little bit of that awareness of how much you can handle? And there are some people out here who are parenting on their own, um, single parents. I don't know how they do it. My hat's off to you all the time. But if you have community, if you have sisters, godparents, grandparents whoever it is that you can call in to lend you an extra pair of hands. Um do it because there is no reward when your kids are 21 for being a martyr and actually it's the exact opposite.
Kayla Huszar :There will be no reward and there will be.
Kayla Huszar :There will be serious side effects 100 of that and I'm taking a training on perinatal mental health through the canadian perinatal mental health trainings company, and we had a guest speaker in last week and it was a single parent with neurodivergent, who has some disabilities, who was in the middle of a divorce at the time, or separation, and these words I don't think I will ever forget them. She said the people who showed up for me the most weren't the people who I expected. They weren't the actual family members or the actual friends. It was like the mom neighbor down the street who dropped off the next size of clothes that she knew that her baby would need.
Kayla Huszar :Next, it was the, you know, the barista who you know watched her baby while she went to the bathroom, or you know, it was like it was these moments that required her to be vulnerable, that required her to receive, because the offer was right there, right the, the the asking wasn't going so well, right, but the, the receiving and being able to see the receiving when it came right. She said I could have said no to this neighbor, mom who dropped these clothes off on my doorstep, thinking whatever thoughts I would have had about myself for accepting them. But she said at the end of the day. It was those moments that got her through. Some of the toughest moments was this, like the ability to receive those moments, those moments of vulnerability.
Roxanne Francis:it creates bridges. It builds community. It creates bridges, it builds community. Relationships are really. Vulnerability is the glue right Letting people know that you need them, letting people know what you need, being okay to receive help. I mean, think about what it is that our children are learning if we run through this world saying I can do it by myself or I must do it by myself.
Roxanne Francis:that's not right or I should or I should goodness I should be able to do it by myself. And receiving help means this negative thing about me, right? That's not okay.
Kayla Huszar :It's not okay for us, it's not okay for our kids to learn either can you share a you know, like a, for example, whether it's from your own life or from somebody who you, who you know who, who would be okay with you sharing kind of a, for example, and how this actually plays out? In the middle of a nightmare bedtime or the middle of the sixth time in the last 10 days you've been called home because your kid is sick.
Roxanne Francis:So, um, one example is we were talking about just always being. Let me just share this example. So a friend of mine told me that her mom always had a clean household and that she felt always so awful about herself when her home was often messy. And she had three siblings and her mom worked nine to five and the house was always spotless. And I paused for a second and I said what do you think was a trade-off for that? Right? And she stopped for a minute and she said my mom had two heart attacks before she was 45. And I said to her okay, I'm not a doctor, I'm not saying that a clean house caused that, but think about that correlation, right? And I said to her what is it that you want for yourself? And she said well, I want a happy relationship with my kids. I want to not feel stressed all the time about cleaning. I want to have a tidy enough household, but it doesn't have to be spotless. And I said there you go, right, those are the things that we have to, you know, pay attention to, because there is a trade off. We have to ask ourselves what is a trade off? Am I willing to to pay that price? Right? The other thing that I would say in terms of in my household I have two children. They're boys and they're now 12 and nine. Two children, they're boys and they're now 12 and nine. They're growing really, really fast.
Roxanne Francis:You know, I've been married for 21 years and my husband is, you know, thankfully, we've gone through the stage of. You know, he's always believed in partnership, right. You know he's always believed in partnership, right. And sometimes he catches me, right. I really enjoy clicking and I love making notes with Scratch when I can, right.
Roxanne Francis:But there was a season with work where I was busy and we were just ordering dinner, right. And I think it was like the third or fourth minute when I said I'm gonna be working later, maybe Chinese or whatever. He said okay, I just felt this awful thing in the head of my stomach and he caught it and he looked at me and he said what's going on? And I said oh, don't you? I said something like don't you wish? Don't you wish that you were back to you know, roxanne, from the beginning, was cooking all the time. Don't you wish that I was making all these home cooked meals? And I feel, I feel guilt, I feel bad, I can't you know. And he stopped and he put his hand on mine and he looked at me and he said let's just be grateful that we have enough money to order this food, just almost didn't allow her to come over and I said you know, I haven't showered, I'm in my house coat.
Roxanne Francis:There's dust all over this place. This is not where you want to be right now. And she said if you don't answer this door, when I show up? She showed up, she brought muffins and and my favorite latte and she held the baby and she said don't you worry about this dust, I'm gonna keep this baby quiet. You go have a shower, right? And it just gave me permission to be messy and have it be okay, right? Um, you know I?
Roxanne Francis:I share things on on on social media all the time and I often share things about my family because I want people to understand that I'm in the messy middle too. Right? My 12-year-old, all of his friends, are on video games and each family does what's important to them, but for us in our household, there are a couple nights a week where they don't get video game access, and one evening he was angry stomping up and down these stairs and my husband took my youngest out to an activity. But my oldest did not have an activity that evening. He was just really mad and I gave him some time to cool off and of course I was internally rolling my eyes like, seriously, I don't need this right now, yes. But then I called him down and I said, hey, I'm making salmon. Come grab the knife, I'll show you what to do. And you know, I got him busy. I got him cutting up the onions and all this stuff and you know he really got into it and after a while he forgot that he was mad and he was just really proud that he made this meal. And his dad came home and said daddy, I made dinner.
Roxanne Francis:And you know, it's just, it's not, it won't always work out. Okay, right, um, but we have to be, we have to be okay with that, right, this is I, is. I've come to realize that life doesn't promise us fun, right, it's going to get frustrating, it's going to be miserable at times. There's going to be times when it's okay. There's going to be times when you feel like you can't afford this life. There's going to be times when you have arguments as wonderful as my husband is some days I want to harm to harm him, right. I have to be careful about what I say in public, but there are times when it just doesn't go. Okay, right, um. But that doesn't mean that it's it's not worth it. That doesn't mean that you get rid of it. It's a roller coaster ride. Some days it's okay and other days it's free falling and you're screaming your head off.
Kayla Huszar :Yes, yes, yes, and as two therapists who support other humans in this, can we talk for a minute about that lim, that liminal space of I feel a feeling and I want to do a thing, but I know that the thing is going to be hurtful or harmful or I'm going to regret it later. Can can we talk about this like this liminal space that happens between the feeling and the thought and the wanting to do the thing? And how do you? How do you not do the thing? Or how do you take, do you not do the thing? Or how do you take care of yourself or protect yourself or protect those around you, when that, that thought and the action feels so reachable, like it's like it's like right there sometimes I stop myself in mid-sentence and I'm just like I need a break.
Roxanne Francis:I just exit the room. Sometimes I go outside, even in the dead of winter, and take a couple deep breaths. I have been known to go for a walk on my street. I feel like I live in a safe neighborhood, but I've been known to go for a walk on my street at like 10 o'clock at night in the snow, because I just need some headspace or else it's going to get ugly, right? Or um, sometimes I make a phone call, right, like, if I don't have a partner in the home at the moment, I'll make a phone call um to to just breathe. Other times I'm just like go turn on the TV, just go, just go turn, go, go turn on the TV. Right, that's going to have to watch, that's going to have to watch you for 10 minutes while I figure it out. Right, because just because I am a therapist, it doesn't mean that I have it all together. Yes, I might have some tools at my disposal, yes, I might know how to navigate some thinking traps and those pieces, but I don't have all the answers.
Roxanne Francis:When my son developed a nervous tick during the pandemic, right, and I did not have the answer. He was doing online school. The kids all had their screens off. The teacher shut down the chat and this child is a social butterfly, right, he lives to go to school and play and connect with our friends in the community. He could not do that, so I had to take a couple days off from work and I messaged the teacher. We had like two months left of the school year and I messaged the teacher and I said I'm sorry, we're done, and she's like you know, mrs Francis, they still have assignments and I have the report card. And I said, respectfully, your support card is not indicative of his capacity right now, but I do have to maintain his capacity. So we're taking time off and I pulled out an old school, you know, like real cameras. I pulled out an old school camera and we went to the park and we sat in the swing and we took pictures, like we had to find something else to do, because something was happening and I felt like I did not have the answer, did not have the answer, and so you know, I'm just mentioning that as a way of saying, even as a therapist, there are things that come up in my life that I don't have the answer for Last summer, just before the summer months, my younger son.
Roxanne Francis:He has asthma and he has seasonal allergies allergies and he went to the park with his brother one sunday afternoon and that sunday night, um, he could not catch his breath and the pulpers were not working. And on monday morning I took him to urgent care and the doctor took one look at him and said you need to take this child to the emergency room now, do not pas, go like now. And um, we were in the hospital for five days trying to increase. There was massive inflammation in his lungs and I felt like my world was shutting down. Right, and I had to call in reinforcements.
Roxanne Francis:Right, my husband was trying to hold me together but, like, I had friends who were ordering pizza and picking up my other kids from school, and you know, just corralling, right, is that the right word? I think so. I think that's the right word, um, because sometimes things fall apart and you got to lean into your community and you have to say yes to the help and it's okay to sit on the bathroom floor and cry, and you don't have to be perfect and you don't have to have the answer, and sometimes that's just how you show up right, we got through it and I'm grateful to supports. And that's the other thing I would say Be mindful about cultivating meaningful relationships, because we cannot do this life alone.
Roxanne Francis:Sometimes we want to, but it is not advisable. You need community. Your kids need to see you in community. They need to understand the importance of that. Our kids know that if something happens in our home not to scare them, we didn't do this to scare them but if something happens in our home, these are numbers on the fridge that you can reach your auntie so-and-so and your uncle so-and-so, and of course, they know how to call for. You know first responders, so-and-so, and of course, they know how to call for. You know um first responders, but um, they, they know that we have community and people who care about them.
Kayla Huszar :You know, but parenting is not easy, so we do it yes, yes, oh, francis, thank you, roxanne, roxanne, francis, thank you so much.
Kayla Huszar :I was like imagining your business name and I know that at one point you had posted on social media once you were like my name is not Frances, it's Roxanne. No, it's okay, it's so funny, thank you. Thank you so much for being here and sharing your wonderful spirit and your wisdom and all of those vulnerable pieces. I know that the way that you show up on social media is imperfect and raw and you have so much wisdom to share and you willingly, willingly share it. I'm just in awe of all of the things and all of the places and all of the humans that are different and better because of what you do.
Roxanne Francis:I love that you show up as well. You actually challenge me or call me higher in my work and how I show up, higher in my work and how I show up because, um, just how you demystify parenting and you demystify motherhood and you encourage us to take off the the mask, you know um, my friend Pollyanna Reed calls it cyber glitter, you know when you show up and and it all, you know, perfect.
Roxanne Francis:I love that you encourage us to just do away with that. Like this is real life right. Like this is I got a mountain of laundry. This is real life right Because it allows other people to not feel shame for the regular lives that they lead right, the laundry, the dishes, the garbage, the recycling, the yelling, all of it but also understand that there's love intertwined there. Right, there's good parenting intertwined there, and it's messy, and that the mess is okay.
Kayla Huszar :Oh, thank you just receiving, just receiving, that yeah yeah and I think I'm gonna, I'm gonna close with this thought. Social media gets a real bad rap, and I think there's a lot of I.
Kayla Huszar :I talk about it too, you know, be mindful of your screen time, be mindful of what you're consuming, all those things, and I just want to share that this, right now, would not be possible without the power of social media and when you use social media or social connections, online connections, for good and you can identify the things that make you feel bad and identify the things you want more of, and you go out there and you curate your social media world to work for you. Um, because the algorithm put Roxanne in front of me and so I, while I say to be mindful of your screen time, which is still very valuable, I think there is a lot of really amazing intentional things that can be done when we think about moving through this. The sticky, the hard, the stuck parts of motherhood Face to you can never replace face to face. However, there are some online conversations that I will never forget because of that intentional connection.
Roxanne Francis:Thank you.
Kayla Huszar :Roxanne. Thank you, love, love, love, love that we were able to have this conversation, and I wish you all of the best rest of your week.
Roxanne Francis:Thank you. Thank you Likewise, bye.
