Stop Carrying the Weight: How to Release Mom Guilt and Reclaim You

Motherhood isn’t just about raising kids—it’s about finding yourself in the middle of all the chaos. In this episode, we’re diving deep into the real, raw emotions that come with being a mom.

I’m joined by Tara Duckworth, and we’re tackling the tough stuff: grief, guilt, and shame. We’re pulling back the curtain on why these feelings hit so hard and how they can secretly shape our motherhood experience. But here’s the good news—you don’t have to stay stuck.

We’re breaking down simple, practical ways to move through these emotions, like naming what you’re feeling, letting it out, and giving yourself permission to actually feel human.

This isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being real.

So if you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, lost, or like you’re carrying way too much, this episode is for you.

Get ready to shift your mindset, lighten your emotional load, and rediscover you in the process!

Chapters

• 0:01 Motherhood, Grief, and Guilt
• 8:57 Navigating Emotions Through Self-Validation

Transcript

Kayla Huszar: 0:01

What if grief was actually behind the guilt and shame that mothers feel? Welcome back to the Chill Like a Mother podcast. I'm Kayla Huzar, the host. I am a creative counselor and coach for moms, and I am joined today with Tara. We both have different yet the same thread of story around grief and motherhood and the bittersweetness of it all, always trying to let go and give freedom, honor our feelings and their feelings, and the stages of life and all of the things. And so, tara, thank you so much for being here. What is your opening words for us today?

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 0:44

Well, it's wonderful just to be here. It really is, and you know, sitting in a space with mamas and just like the raw truth of it all is, this is my jam. So it's wonderful to be here.

Kayla Huszar: 0:59

Thank you so much. Can you start us off with how you personally and or professionally feel like grief is connected to those guilt and shame feelings that so many mothers feel?

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 1:15

So I think, when I think about grief, I think it's connected with shame and with guilt, is connected with with shame and with guilt. Coming into motherhood, we have an expectation or we have this vision of what things are going to look like. It does not look once we get into it in that, um, you know when things are kind of falling flat, when things are going off. When things are kind of falling flat, when things are going off track, when things are kind of hitting us in the face, you know when we're dealing with, when our kid is one of those kids, if you will, a lot of guilt and shame that comes up around it. You know what kind of mother am I? Have I done something wrong with me? What's wrong with my child?

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 2:04

A lot of that kind of narrative can start playing into it, into so many other feelings. You know that I relate to grief, whirlwind, you know, to kind of the emotions, but to be able to kind of pick those things apart as we beat ourselves up a lot, you know, and guilt and shame are a real thing, and also they, they bleed and they are, you know, in spaces of silence, and so to be able to have some truth to that, be able to bring some truth to how you're feeling and the mess of your reality, as it is not that what you thought it would be. I think it should be, you know, but that takes a lot of courage, a lot of bravery and a ton of vulnerability.

Kayla Huszar: 2:54

Yes. Do you have a story that you'd like to share with everybody today in relation to that?

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 3:01

It's. You know it's near and dear to my heart and, and you know, before I kind of get into the the intricacies of my story, I do want to preface it by saying I am a mama of two kids at ages 24 and 9. Both my kids have given a blessing to share, about them, they're part of my story and it's something that I share, you know, sometimes in my clinical setting as well. It makes it real, you know, as I think, as a professional in the mental health space, be a perceived notion of like she knows what she's doing, and I will tell you what I'm doing. I'm way better with other people's kids than I am with my own. You know, um, you know, especially my son, it has been very open. We have talked, uh, very, very openly around his mental health journey, um, daughter as well.

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 3:49

So both my kids, um, you know, in the box, they're kind of those the push, the pushback type. They're not, they're not following, they're kind of paving their own path, and so there have been some difficulties around that. But where this had all started for me was, um, really in the teenage years with my son, and so there have been some difficulties around that. But where this had all started for me was really in the teenage years with my son, and so we started to notice some different behaviors that were going on. Later, you know, as he was 19 and kind of an on-our-knees moment of fun for suicide, up into the hospital with a diagnosis coming right after that of bipolar type 2 and adhd, you know, it was shocking, uh in the at that time, you know, and a hard one to swallow, but time it also made so much sense.

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 4:36

So even in that, you know, and getting that was for me a ton of feelings, this child that I had. What did I do? What could I have done? Should I have sought another son? Should I have been a new singer? And that's where the appreciation kind of came in. And I carried that for many years, throughout those teenage years and even after the diagnosis, and it wasn't until this moment where somebody had mentioned this idea of grief to me that growing up, grief always meant death, but you didn't die, nobody's dying, you're still here. Really, when I thought about it, it almost that was my relief of like that's what this is so much by being preoccupied with worry and concern and fear what's going on for him.

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 5:33

I was out on so many years with my baby daughter, you know, because I was concerned and checking in, preoccupied with what he was or was not doing out on things that you know. I think as a mama, you just expect like a nice family photo at graduation. Now, that was tricky and there's a story behind that which I won't get into and I appreciate that. But like little things, you know that you just think like, should it be this hard? You know to expect that I can get this picture. Should it be this hard that I could expect that getting to school would be this difficult, to get on a school bus would be so hard. There's been so many moments with both of my kids that have been like that. You know that I just thought, like why is this so difficult? Why is this so hard, you know?

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 6:21

And looking at other people, which I think is um comparison ease, and we have so many places, especially today, to compare ourselves. Looking at other families, I don't, why don't other families are, why aren't they struggling? Or are they? Or yeah, right, like what does that look like? Why is my kid not like my sister's kid? Or why is my daughter not like my son? Or like there's this comparison, the assumption that something's wrong, something is wrong. Either I've done something wrong or there's something wrong with them. And if there's something wrong with them, what are the feelings that I'm having? I don't want to say, because that's too ugly to say, really played a role, and I do. I am a firm believer and you gotta, you gotta tame it. You know, and I had been calling grief by many different things throughout those years you know fear, anger, worry.

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 7:25

You know there was a lot of a lot of those things. But when I grouped it together and go and really looked at kind of this idea of ambiguous grief and all of the things that I lost along the way play out in the way that I hoped that they would or that I thought that they should, it was just different. That was my reality yes, tell me.

Kayla Huszar: 7:50

I'm most curious about how that grief showed up like in your body and in your words oh, yes, um, body I was.

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 8:03

So I carry all my stress up top my ear. Shoulders are usually a nice earring, you know, a nice accessory, yes and so. But even in that I didn't, even um, didn't pull in to like that's what it was. You know, I always thought, well, it was at the time when this was really kind of getting getting really wild, uh, for us in those. I was nursing my daughter at the time, and so you know, she was brand new there's 15 year difference between my kiddos and so you know, I thought, well, maybe this can't like, maybe this pain is due to this, you know, like, maybe that's what this is. It never went away, and now I know that's where it's held and I know when it creeps back in, I know what's going on and I know how I can soothe that. You know, I can kind of go inward instead of thinking so much. But going inward and on that, I mean, those years were there's some trauma there, for sure, you know.

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 8:57

So when things start to, he's in BC, so he's two provinces away, you know, and the fear is there, and so there are times where you know, maybe I've sent a text message and I haven't received that instant response back or an hour's gone by or it hasn't shown up as delivered, I can feel these shoulders start to climb and I know what's happening. My nervous system is going. Is he dead in a ditch? That's my worst. I go kind of got this practice where I can understand, I know where I go and I know what it takes for me to come back down to bring my nervous system back down. So that's typically where it shows up. There are other places that it shows that it has shown up for me almost like a numb tingling starts kind of like a almost and then like a numb tingling experience that a couple of times. And that's when I know like I'm, I'm, you know I need. I need some support.

Kayla Huszar: 9:58

Can we zoom in on that process, that like going from noticing to resourcing your way out of it, through it, around it, in, in, like the the practical, but also the practical and emotional kind of how to an?

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 10:18

emotional kind of how-to. I've always thought that I'm a fast person, that I'm a fast mover, and I've realized my rhythm really isn't that fast and so when I'm in that, my tendency is to buzz around and do, do, do, do, do you know, like move very, very, very quickly. And so I start to notice that my body is responding in that way and holding something. It is my first indication to sit my butt down physically myself to the basics and feel, it's a gal, I think a lot about a lot, but I don't like the feel about a lot, you know. So it is kind of that thing of like okay, what's here, this conversation, let's have this out, what is here and what needs to process, and sometimes it's, you know, it comes out in a flood of tears and anger.

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 11:15

It depends on kind of once I'm able to exactly what the thing is, process it, and what my process looks like is often through writing, through journaling, conscious writing, where I can just brain dump and then feel so often I'll set a timer, put the pen down on paper, don't pick it up until my timer goes off, not for the sake of going back and reading anything. I don't need to understand any of that that's usually what happens. And if it's feelings of anger sometimes it's, you know, those are heavier feelings, bigger feelings for me that are harder for me to feel, um see, for me to kind of push down and call it frustration or something like that, you know. But uh, sometimes it's, uh, you know, ripping, you know ripping paper or pushing, you know, and giving myself that permission to do the thing, you know, if I'm feeling that and it needs to process, if I need to go, and at the edge of town, in some farmer's field, I have self-condition to go and do that, my only intention is just to move this feeling.

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 12:33

Allow it to not get clogged in the tube, if you will, when it can just go and notice what comes after that. It depends on what the feelings are. I have a little toolbox, if you will, of things that just seem to work for me, and I'm a processor, you know. Sometimes it takes me some time to really kind of think about things and realize what's going on. I give myself the permission. That's often what they're talking about, you know it's better, it's a on. I've given myself the permission to. That's off the mother's log.

Kayla Huszar: 13:05

It's a practice. Yes, yes, absolutely. I remember when my youngest was born and flood of mixed emotions and undiagnosed mental health things. We had a very sudden death in our family six weeks after he was born and everything went into kind of caregiving mode for them and their family and I also lost like perspective because of the type of death that it was, and I didn't call it grief then. I called it resentment and rage and I don't even think I would have called it anxiety then.

Kayla Huszar: 14:04

But that, how it showed up in my body, was like this jitteriness similar to yours, this like propulsion forward, just like just stay busy and it think, for a time that felt safe and was like a protection. You know, it was like it was important that that was there. And then, when that perspective or that strategy no longer worked, I was forced to look at it and to sit in it. Once the you know, the dust had settled and the acuteness of the crisis had passed, I was able to kind of sit and process. But that took a long time, like a long time I was probably between 18 months and two years to really understand and define what that was, what it is, how do we navigate now? Moving forward and I felt like I was kind of like robbed of that experience, that new mom experience and everything that I thought it would be, and this totally uncontrollable thing happened, yeah.

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 15:36

Interesting right, because you think about, you know, and I think, go back to my own experience and I think all of that that was held you said think about, you know, I think go back to my own experience and I think all of that that was held. You said 18 months, you know, and for me it was a couple of years until I was able to kind of be like holy crap, what, what just happened? What is this, this thing, you know. But after having kind of the awareness and being able to acknowledge what it is and being able to acknowledge what it is, I have found it's gotten so much easier, even though I am getting the, you know, the somatic sensory kind of stuff that's going on. I'm noticing what's going on in my body and where it's coming from. I have some compassion and I can meet myself with gentleness and grace and go.

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 16:23

I'm not there yet, you know and I'm not there yet and you're allowed to feel this way, feel it Sometimes even in being able to validate that for myself is enough. Yes, it gets a lot better. I think about it as like a rebound, almost. You know it gets a lot, a lot better.

Kayla Huszar: 16:50

I'm getting you know a little bit better, but just being able to acknowledge that I see what's going on here, I know what's happening and I know why, and, of course, what's why and, of course, what unsolicited advice at this point because we're not being asked would you give to someone who's listening, who finds themselves in this place, this place of I thought it was guilt and shame, or maybe it still is, but I feel sad, or I feel like I'm on autopilot because things aren't as I thought they would be, or life has thrown me a curve ball and now I'm not able to enjoy or be present or whatever with whatever I so desperately wanted to be present with.

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 17:49

Give yourself permission. What it is you're feeling. Feelings aren't logical. They're not logical. I mean, it doesn't about you, but that notion that you know, feeling represents us and it doesn't have to be that. You know, especially when I'm working with clients, it is something that I will ask you know, like what? What is the, what is the darkest thing here? Like what is sitting there, what is sitting on your heart and sometimes it might be something like not the kid, I wanted to have to say that and watch what happens. Allow them space to be able to get that out and notice what happens after the fact. Like, like a huge exhale that you can feel and getting really honest around.

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 18:52

What are you feeling? What is going on in your mind? What are the thoughts you're too scared to say? There's a place that you can say it. It doesn't have to be to anybody, it can be in a damn journal, you know, but being able to look at that and go. I've never met a client or a person that I've had the courage to share their story. Tell me, you know, this is what's going on, this is what I'm experiencing today. I've never, not one time, thought wow, that's interesting, that's very strange. You're feeling that way, always, like a no shit moment, where it's like, of course, and it's like that thing that really ugly, oh, sitting on our heart, that is. We're battling it all the time, we can't say it. What's the darkest part of it?

Kayla Huszar: 20:05

Or what's, what's the hardest part of it, and I find that that's. You know, clients will come to me with this. With this surface level situation, I want to set more boundaries, for example Right and then. And then we get deeper into it, and I use expressive arts therapy, so that's often through like a visual or a metaphor or a brain dump or something. And then all of a sudden, when, when we hit the bottom and we can't go any further, I'm like that's, that's what it is.

Kayla Huszar: 20:34

Once we figure out this, this thing at the bottom, you actually the boundaries will come easily, or the words from the brain to the mouth will flow. It's we think that boundaries are the thing, or we think that guilt and shame are the thing. But when we dig deeper, when we follow the breadcrumb trail, I like to say to my clients like this is what you're presenting with, but this is, this is the origin story. It's way back over here. That's where, like the magic and those no shit moments happen of like, oh yeah, that's what I've been holding on to absolutely never, a moment.

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 21:12

You know, I I think in motherhood we, how we show up as mothers or how we um, and never the moment, a whole lifetime, that we've had of experiences of one our own motherhood, but all the other mothers that we, you know, that we've seen in the, of one our own motherhood, but all of the other mothers that we, you know, that we've seen in the movies, and our friends moms and our aunties and our grandmas, and we've got all of this influence, you know. But then we've also just, I think it's the hardest part of life as a parent is like going, moving through and doing your own healing while trying to, like, raise these little people and to being incredible, know and just people in our, in our world. Hardest damn thing because we come with our bags packed, they're full, and then we get to this moment where we start to do some digging and get some curiosity around what's not feeling right for me, something is feeling off and now we've got to unpack it, really choosing on what we want to take with us forward. A lot of the things I think that we've packed are the shoulds, you know, the expectations. How do we move through that? What we want, we need the rest.

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 22:35

And that piece of permission comes up. It's like am I allowed to do that? Right, because everybody's got something to say about everything, especially in parenting. Especially in parenting, it's this way or it's that way. Or you know, do the one, two, three steps, or the gentle parenting, or the consequences, like all of the things. Right, Everybody's got something to say, but the reality is, you get to choose yes, how can people find you, tara, if they've resonated with this conversation today?

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 23:12

you can me. I am on Facebook and on Instagram. I spend more time on Instagram than you on Facebook, but it's msteradefworth is my handle, and then also our website is wwwteradefworthcom.

Kayla Huszar: 23:29

Thank you so much for being here and sharing your story and giving such insightful reflection questions. I'm going to distill those down into the show notes and actually like write those, write those questions out, cause I think they are. They hit me even, um, and I had to close my eyes a couple of times, just like letting that reflection question settle, because, even though we sit where we sit as as professionals who help other people, um, I I learned so much from my clients and from from the guests on the podcast that I don't pretend to be an expert in anything, um, and I have so much to learn, so those reflection questions really were powerful for me. Um, and so that's that's what I'm taking from today's conversation is is the what's there, what's underneath that, what's behind that, what's the darkest part of what needs keeping? Giving per permission.

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 24:41

I get so much as well, you know, from working, working with clients, and it's teach me. But, yes, my clients teach me as well and it's interesting because you know it's the clients that kind of come in those sessions, in those times that I have that I'm just like, am I supposed to hear this? You know, is this really it's? I don't have anybody's answers, I'm no expert. I have some tools to be able to provide some reflection. Perhaps I can create a safe space. I can walk beside someone and sit with someone in the dark, if you will. I I don't have it, I'm no expert. I don't have anybody's answers. I can't tell you to do one, two, three, four. You know steps B, b and C to get this result. I think there's something about being able to know. You know you're not alone, especially in parenting, especially in adulthood, especially when you've got some deep feelers. You know, for kiddos or that are struggling in spots, it's a hard thing to walk your kids home, but I have never met Child did not have a struggling.

Kayla Huszar: 25:59

Yes, that is so uncomfortably true for so many reasons. Yeah, yes. Thank you so much, tara, for being here with us today, and I wish you all of the best in your practice and all of the the good work and the hearts that you touch is it's incredible and brave.

Tara Bokitch (Duckworth): 26:18

So much Thanks for having me.