The ADHD Tax: Balancing the Emotional and Financial Costs of Parenting

Have you ever felt like you’re on a wild roller coaster ride with no safety bar while raising your kids? If you’re a parent of neurodiverse children, you probably get it! In this episode of Chill Like a Mother, I chat with Jessica Dunn, a dedicated neurodiversity advocate and fellow parent, about the thrilling ups and downs of raising kids with ADHD and autism.

We dive into the emotional chaos that can come with this journey, from the financial strains of what many call the "ADHD tax" to the feelings of being lost and alone. We know this ride can be tiring, and this conversation is here to give you real support for your family.

In this episode, we explore:

• The emotional and financial challenges of parenting neurodiverse kids and the hidden costs that can affect your budget.
• How to use co-regulation to help both parents and children find calm in the chaos.
• The power of community support and how connecting with others can help fight loneliness.
• Fun ways to gamify daily tasks and make routines more enjoyable at home.
• How to celebrate the small victories that often go unnoticed but mean a lot.

Join us for this honest and funny conversation that reminds you—you’re not alone on this roller coaster. Let’s embrace the journey together and find joy in the beautiful mess of motherhood!

Tune in now and let’s turn the ups and downs of parenting neurodiverse kids into a journey filled with growth, connection, and laughter!

Chapters

• 0:00 Financial Challenges of Neurodiverse Parenting
• 9:40 Parenting Challenges of Neurodiverse Families
• 14:47 Navigating Parental Burnout and Respite
• 26:03 Finding Support in Neurodiverse Parenting

Transcript

Kayla Huszar: 0:00

Hello everyone, welcome back to the Chill Like a Mother podcast. Today we are here with Jessica Dunn, who is all about living with less, and we are both neurodiverse parents. And did you know, audience, that it costs neurodivergent families five times more just to live based on social support and the resources and the physical items that they may or may not need? I mean that in itself is so challenging, let alone all of the other like nuanced experiences that every family might experience in totally different capacities. For me, I am diagnosed ADHD, so, as my partner, we have one of two of our children who are officially diagnosed, and living a neurodiverse life has so many layers to it that the money is certainly part of it. It's like I actually didn't even realize that until Jessica sent me this stat Like oh my goodness, but you feel it.

Kayla Huszar: 1:06

I feel it. I feel it. I like, literally just the other day I was thinking to myself how do all these people in my circle who I don't know how much money they make, you know, but like I'm thinking, like all these people in my circle are like they're going on vacation, they're doing all these things? I'm like why, why can't I do that? And like oh yeah, oh yeah, we have like $500 of meds every month and we all go to therapy. That's sometimes covered and sometimes not covered. Like that in itself is an annual trip somewhere yes, absolutely, like we have um here in Saskatchewan.

Jessica Dunn: 1:45

My daughter is diagnosed with ADHD and autism and if, without that autism diagnosis, we would not have any coverage for any type of therapy, it would be through our benefits, hopefully, if we have them, which we are very privileged to have. But like she only gets $6,000. And like that pretty much is used up by like april, march, april, may, the year, and the rest is like up to us to pay and then we only get that till she's 12. So, yeah, like just the therapy and meds alone, it would be a nice little trip over here, um, let alone like any sensory supports you have at home, like um special adaptations for like um chairs and sleeping supports and sensory needs like swings and like um weighted blankets, like all of this extra stuff. It's like it adds up in a hurry like and then plus all the educational resources, all the books, all the seminars that you might want to go to, like all the training that you, it's just like it's insane. So just the money alone.

Jessica Dunn: 2:55

If parents of neurodiverse kids, we feel, yeah, we know how you're feeling, it's there, it is real. Like so don't, um, I'm just, I'm like I got like a little bit of water in my eye. I would say that it's like equivalent to yeah, like a small little trip would be the best metaphor. I would say that you are paying every year and like you have multiple people in your family, so not just one, you have multiple. So like yeah, people in your family, so not just one, you have multiple. So like yeah, there's a lot, there's a lot to unpack there.

Kayla Huszar: 3:32

Yes, yes, and I was like just saying this to somebody the other day, I was like why can't we go on a trip? Like why haven't we been able to budget for that? You know, because we're pretty frugal with our money, like we, based on, based on the money coming in, we should be able to afford that. And I was like why can't we? And then I was breaking it down. It's like, well, yeah, we, our benefits only cover the generic versions of our meds, not the branded versions, and we need the branded versions. We've tried the other ones. They don't work as well. Right, and so that's whatever. It is almost $300 a month just for that. And then anybody's therapy. We only have $300 a year for psychologists, or I don't even think we have coverage for social workers, which is ironic because I am one but it's like 300 is like a session and a half, yeah plus like also like certain clothes you need to have, specific clothing you need to have.

Jessica Dunn: 4:34

And food is a huge piece, as everybody that's in this neuro diverse community knows, that majority of kids will only eat certain things um, usually high priced branded stuff, but you're trying to get in nutrients that they, so you're paying for all this food, sometimes that they don't even eating. Like it's, like it's such a yeah, there's. So like every facet of life costs more.

Kayla Huszar: 5:01

Yes, yeah, I call it the adhd tax oh yes, I'm actually going to start calling it that yeah because it's. It's so true like even last night I was like I'm not cooking anything. You guys are going to eat, so just tell me what you want and that's what I'm gonna make, and it was chicken strips and butter noodles oh, butter noodles.

Jessica Dunn: 5:24

Yeah, yeah, super colorful. Hey, I love, I love the palette that they like, they choose.

Jessica Dunn: 5:29

Yeah, it's beige yeah, beige, beige, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're laughing, but we're not. We're dying inside, a little bit dying inside, but yeah, it's. It's quite a bit, and let alone so it's just not. Even the cost of things like being a neuro diverse parent is quite crazy, like you've seen the stats that we've we've been looking at. It's just like if you're wondering why you're feeling tense and stressed more than your neurotypical parents or your other friends that you have that are neurotypical, there's so much. Every little detail of your life is different and you should give yourself. Grace is what I'm trying to do here send this podcast to all of your grants, all your parents, your, your, your brothers and your sisters, the caregivers, the people that maybe don't know day to day what you're going through. Yeah, there's a lot. There's a lot that goes through.

Kayla Huszar: 6:27

There's so much, and I'm actually going to read a couple other stats that Jessica sent me in preparation to the podcast. Neurodivergent parent burnout rates are double that of neurotypical parents. Parental fatigue rates for neurodivergent parents are approximately 83 percent higher than neurotypical families. Symptoms of depression and anxiety are up to 150 percent higher, and special needs parents have the equivalent trauma of a soldier on the front lines. And I can absolutely speak to the physical visceral body reaction that I have to any anticipated or preliminary sensory need and or meltdown meltdown, yeah, absolutely like you feel it.

Jessica Dunn: 7:29

You feel it coming. You feel like every part of your body feels it and it's like, yeah, like I any person that is, um, a parent with kids to have that are on the spectrum or adhd or any sort of neurodivergence knows that it's like, a lot of the time you feel like you're walking on eggshells and you just don't know when that bomb is going to go off. No matter how good you are at controlling their environment or controlling yourself and getting keeping yourself regulated and watching for the signs of things, you're never going to be able to put them in a bubble they have to live in this world. That is not very kind to neurodiverse people. And, yeah, you feel it.

Jessica Dunn: 8:15

You feel it in every I'd say every cell of my body can feel it when the sensory meltdown is about to happen and they're intense. This isn't a tantrum, this is completely different. This is something that your, your kid, is going through like, I'd say like a nervous system overload where, like they're, they're in fight or flight and you just have to ride that wave and be there for them and let them go through it. But it is the most intense thing I've probably ever had to experience as a parent for sure.

Kayla Huszar: 8:49

Yeah, yeah, I have literally had to hide myself and my younger child when things were undiagnosed, out of safety and protection, because there was no reaching and then he would do it and it was just like everything's back to normal. Yeah, like it's. We didn't just experience what we just experienced for 45 minutes, right, and it's like, yeah, back to being sweet and kind and caring and loving and exactly who he is at his core yeah but when that hijack happens, it is is like okay, we're in it.

Kayla Huszar: 9:28

We're in it for like a half an hour 45 minutes and we just got to get through it and not add to the Try, not to add yeah to the situation well, and that's that's.

Jessica Dunn: 9:40

Another thing is like why do you feel like like this? Well, yeah, because you're so heightened like, how do you keep your like?

Jessica Dunn: 9:45

I was like, well, you should just co-regulate with them, like you can't you can't regulate it in that state when your kid has completely, it's like a switch has turned on in their brain. I like how you use the word hijack, because that is like exactly how it feels like one minute they are like your kid and the next they're not. Like they're fighting for their life. They feel so threatened by something in their nervous system and it's it's like they have to ride that. Like I said, ride that wave and like what you're doing is like barricading your house, hoping they're safe, hoping you're safe, hoping the other kids are safe. Um, it's probably like, yeah, it's, it's the craziest thing I've ever experienced and nothing has really helped her get through it, except for me being there and just feeling what I'm feeling and like I'm like I don't hide my tears. She sees them and it actually kind of like almost reboots her. It's like, oh wait, there's mom and she's scared and she's like she's crying. Like I can, like she can really see that and like it's almost like a reboot. Oh yeah, oh wait, I'm Evelyn. I can, I can control this, I can calm myself down with all the coping tools she learns in OT or wherever you learn your, your skills from, but, like in the moment, she's not using those things. So you just got, you have. You have to be calm.

Jessica Dunn: 11:09

I remember, like last week I was at a conference and I was sitting with some grandparents of kids that are neurodivergent and they're like they were asking me how things are and I'm like, oh yeah, like my daughter, like they're, she's like saying my daughter has been through some pretty intense physical things. I'm like, yeah, I've had bruised ribs, I've had like things thrown at my like that's just normal stuff that happens with women and and and men that are parents of neurodiverse kids. It just this is what we go through every day, not every day, but like this is how this happens for a majority of parents. And people don't understand. Like, oh my God, like that's what you do, like, yeah, this is, this is our normal.

Kayla Huszar: 11:51

This is normal Like this this and I think, every family. Being a therapist too, who works a lot with either parents who self-identify or have been diagnosed neurodivergent or they're going down that path with their children Every parent has a unique experience, based on whether it's them or their child, and there are these notable challenging moments within families. Right For us it's mornings and bedtime. For other people it's school, the transitions, probably the transitions, right.

Kayla Huszar: 12:27

For other people it's like I, actually we can't do extracurriculars. You know, there's like there's always something that's just like a little bit atypical, right, Something like that. Like other families don't even have to think about, right. They're like they're in five extracurriculars if their budget allows, it's no big deal and they get there and they arrive and they participate and they come home and you know there's all of this just typical experiences which might include like meltdowns or like some crying or I don't want to go, but it's not to the level that neurodiverse families experience. That If I am dysregulated in the morning, it adds at least a half an hour to the whole situation, Right, and so it's not just a matter of shutting it off and getting to school or getting somewhere on time. Somewhere on time, it's like I know that shift in nervous system.

Jessica Dunn: 13:26

I know it's gonna take 20 to 30 minutes before I, like, feel back at baseline yeah, yeah, and I think that's another reason why neurodivergent parents feel the way we do is we ourselves are probably neurodivergent because we are. It's her, it's a hereditary thing that we pass on to our kids. So I really wish that, even when your kids get diagnosed with something, that they should be looking at the parents and be like Kate, when are we going to test you? Because I'm grandparents and like, literally, let's just take this all the way back, like it explains a lot, right, um, when you look back but um, to say that things are just um, like you're saying it's just easy for a lot of people just to get up and go and do their things. Well, like, like we have talked before on past podcasts where we've like lived a day before even 9 am most days, whether it's the morning situations or sensory things with clothes or food or um, just the anxiety of getting from one place home where safe, to another, on the bus to school, is like it's very, it's very intense. So even just before 9 am, your parents are like, can I have a drink? I'm joking, I'm joking, but like it's so, it's so. It can be so tense and if you also are neurodivergent, like the time, the timing it takes for you, your nervous system, just to like calm down yourself is huge. Like some parents could just like roll it off their backs and go to work. It's like I need like half an hour just to decompress and then I can go back to my day Like right, so it's. It's just in the morning alone dealing with that and just even the dealing with breaking down every little executive functioning skill.

Jessica Dunn: 15:20

I don't think people understand what that means. So I'll just use an example, like for the morning. We have to break down. Brushing your teeth is like a four-step process. Brushing your hair, putting on your socks that's a 10-15 minute thing sometimes because you don't like the sensory seams in your socks. Just doing the basic things and breaking it down. You can't just say go get ready for school. You can't just say go do your homework. You can't say go clean your room. You have to be very specific with small little steps for these kiddos to make some success in their day and make it fun and exciting like that's a whole. That's a full-time job in itself, just just gamifying everything just gamifying everything.

Jessica Dunn: 16:08

Gamifying everything, oh my god so like, and you have to change it up too. You can't just have the same game for laundry like so it's like you have to have it's.

Jessica Dunn: 16:18

That part is exhausting too, and I don't think it's like a decision. Fatigue times 15, like it's just so much to do and um, that's when you see those burnout numbers. That is why. That is why, because, like and it's not just like once in a while, like that's a daily thing, for most neurodivergent parents is having to do that, and that's why we live so minimally. Because, like, we can't have a house full of stuff and deal with all of our like possessions when we have to break little things down on a daily basis to take care of our things. Like there's just no way I could function myself, let alone her. So like, it's just so much, so much for us to cover for sure.

Kayla Huszar: 17:09

Absolutely, and so living with less is one of the ways that you prevent and manage some of that like parental burnout. But, like you said, sometimes it like ebbs and flows. Right, it does. I think that in a certain ages and stages of children for me anyway and the clients that I work with sometimes it doesn't go away, like it's not, like you can go away for a weekend Because you know when you go away for a weekend you're like regenerated and reset and all the things you can come back to real life.

Jessica Dunn: 17:50

But this is like real life is just always extra hard, right, yeah, and so living with less is one of the ways that you um mitigate that. Yeah, we try. Yeah, I mean as best as we can. Um, I found, even like when we she was early getting diagnosed, I found that like I living I've always lived kind of minimally, but like it gave me this time and space to really watch her and be like a social detective and seeing like what, what was her triggers, and I was more in tune with things because I had time to do it, because I didn't have to constantly be cleaning my house and and organizing it and I didn't have as much stuff on my plate and so it was just, it was good for me to just focus on her. So give me, living minimally gave me time to do that, and it still does like now. Like she needs a lot of connection and one-on-one time and I'm able to do that because I don't have to constantly be cleaning my house and and organizing.

Jessica Dunn: 18:46

And um, we actually, even this year we've been really pushing extracurriculars for her for the longest time and this year we don't have any. This fall we gave her a breather and all she does is just like climbing on Sundays if she wants to. So like even just clearing our calendar and minimizing that stress of like where to like, pushing like where she has to go and where she needs to be all the time and giving her space to breathe has given us intensely more time to just calm ourselves, which was, you know, in the hustle, bustle, everybody's in 18 different things, and like it's not just like dance is an hour a week. No, it's like always like in, like everybody's like an elite athlete at this point. So it's like you can't even just do like rec stuff most of the time, stuff you know stuff, Just go play.

Kayla Huszar: 19:41

Just go play At this age. I am really finding that too, Jessica. It's hard Past this age. So he's nine now. I was looking for like rec things and there's almost nothing.

Jessica Dunn: 19:53

Yeah, it's hard, it's tough and it's like, okay, so you can't be in dance, because these kids are going like five times a week and they've been going for five years, yes, and like we're like way behind or we're dragging them down, or because she can't commit all the time, like we don't, we can't be there all the time. We just, with her diagnosis, we can't commit all the time, we can't be there all the time With her diagnosis, we can't. One thing we have actually has been going really well is flag football, because it's not so intense, it's great. But hockey, ringette, anything that's into Sask, saskatchewan sports, baseball, all that it's just it's not in our, it's not going to be in our life with her, it's just not and that's fine. But like pushing that on them just so they can have some social skills, is I'd rather just let her go and play, you know out some social skills is I'd rather just go, let her go and play, you know so.

Jessica Dunn: 20:56

But yeah, like there's just so many little things that every neurodivergent parent is going through. So if you know, somebody check in on them, and because they more than anybody needs some sort of respite, even if it's just like a half hour walk um, just going outside your amazing programs with art therapy is huge, just to get out all of that um, bottled up feelings that you have inside, whether it's journaling or expressive art. I think that was. That's a huge, huge, great outlet to for any neurodivergent parent to be like I need to get this out of my body because you're storing it everywhere and it's just like if you get it out, you feel so much better and you're more set for the next time.

Kayla Huszar: 21:45

Absolutely, absolutely, and it's so accessible. That's the thing is that you can like, if people are interested, interested, they can do it, like I've done it with a post-it and a pen that happens to be in my car, you know like it. It doesn't have to be this big, convoluted, complicated thing where you have to go to Michael's and get a canvas and get all the right paint and no, it's like like I could do it right now with what's around me. I could ask you to do it with what's around you right now, even if you don't even have something to write with, just that dropping into the imagination world or the world of creativity and curiosity. You know, like, even just talking out a metaphor you know with someone can be like man, I just feel like I'm. My favorite metaphor of all time from one of my clients was I feel like I'm walking Everest with sandals on.

Kayla Huszar: 22:42

That is what it feels like to parent a neurodiverse child and I was like all you got is sandals. That's all you got for that whole journey.

Jessica Dunn: 22:51

Yeah, and I feel like your art therapy is so great because being a neurodivergent parent is very isolating and like, even if you don't have that core group of support that you need to rely on that day, you can always go to art, you can always go to writing, you can always go to something to get your parasympathetic nervous system going in a different way, and that's all you can do. It's all you can do. Yes, um, there's going to be, like you said, it's a roller coaster, there's no even keel here. Some like we can go, we, like you're saying we could go weeks without having. You almost think, like you almost forget that there's a diagnosis there and then all of a sudden, like, if they, their sensory needs are not met, then you will feel it like the you will, you will see a storm coming, it'll be a brewing if you won't even know. Um, so I feel like that's a huge piece to why we feel, why these stats are so high, is we feel such intense guilt, isolation, grief, even.

Jessica Dunn: 23:59

I feel like I have micro griefs all the time about where I thought she could have should be at, or where in my mind where I thought like where our life would be, and it's like it's not that I'm grieving her, but I'm just like the expectation of what could have been right. And it's not that I'm grieving her, but I'm just like the expectation of what could have been right and it's. But there's also new things coming and the great things that she's going to do too right. So that's so exciting to see too. But you feel it all. You feel all of this.

Jessica Dunn: 24:26

Like sometimes there's anger, there's frustration, there's anxiety, but then there's like this hope across the rainbow that it's like what's going to be in store for her. Like maybe she'll like be an incredible doctor one day. Or like we don't know, like we don't know if she'd go right. Like she's incredibly intelligent and super funny and like so creative. Like who knows where she's going to go. So it's like you feel like you're in a storm right now, but there's gonna be a rainbow there too. Like they're gonna get through. It's just, it's just hard. It's just a hard, hard. Go for the first bit here yeah, yeah, for sure.

Kayla Huszar: 25:08

Oh, thank you so much for joining us on the podcast again to share wisdom around parenting in this way and all of the, all of the things that we experience and how we navigate, or just hold on hold on, hold on for dear life, just hold on.

Jessica Dunn: 25:27

Find a friend that's going through the same thing as you. It will help for sure. And just find that outlet, like I said, like, even if it's, you know, like you said, just jotting down things, whether like it's something small or it's something, if you need to go and get your body moving in some way, to have a dance party by yourself, it doesn't matter. Like, find something that you're going to be able to calm your nervous system with, because, this is no joke, you are a soldier and you're going to get through it.

Kayla Huszar: 26:00

Yes, yes, and I think it's really important to highlight that. There are so many parents going through this and I know that it feels isolating, kind of like when you're in the newborn phase you feel like you're the only person up in the middle of the night. But there are people probably in your neighborhood, probably right across the street, probably your kid's best friend because we all attract each other. Neurodivergence, we come alike together, we attract each other, and there are other people in the community going through what you're going through and there are so many supports, even free ones. So if anybody is navigating this on their own and you just need you don't want therapy from me or you don't need anything in that respect but, like I have resources coming out of everywhere, and so if anybody listening just needs a resource or a person or an account to follow, like I have so many, so you'd like feel free to reach out to one of us. We know lots of people in different communities that that can support and free and even like good books to read Kids books too. I have lots of kids books to read too.

Kayla Huszar: 27:09

So if anybody needs any resources, please reach out and send this. Send this to a friend, send this to a grandparent who needs a little bit of a context to what you might be going through every day, that maybe you're tired of saying it. But, yes, please reach out to us if you need anything and hold on, hold on the rainbow. The rainbow's coming, I promise. There's glimmers. There's glimmers of it, if you can see it. Thanks for having me on. Appreciate it.