Parenting Highly Sensitive Kids in a Noisy World

In this episode of the Chill like a Mother Podcast, host Kayla Huszar and guest Caitlin discuss the intricacies of parenting highly sensitive children. They explore the characteristics of highly sensitive individuals, the challenges parents face, and effective strategies for fostering emotional regulation and understanding. The conversation emphasizes the importance of creating a supportive environment and using storytelling as a tool for connection and communication.

Takeaways

• Highly sensitive children feel emotions more intensely than others.
• Understanding sensitivity as a temperament can alleviate parental concerns.
• Creating a nurturing environment is crucial for the development of highly sensitive children.
• Storytelling can be an effective way to communicate and connect with sensitive kids.
• Parents should recognize that their child's reactions are not personal but part of their temperament.
• Highly sensitive children often observe and react to subtle changes in their environment.
• Emotional regulation skills need to be taught early for highly sensitive children.
• It's important to validate a child's feelings without labeling them negatively.
• Parents can use creative outlets to help children express their emotions.
• Building trust in a child's inner voice is essential for their emotional health.

Chapters

• 0:01 Parenting Highly Sensitive Children
• 11:01 Navigating Emotions With Storytelling
• 18:20 Emotional Communication With Highly Sensitive Children
• 24:14 Sensitive Children's Emotional Regulation'A

Transcript

Kayla Huszar: 0:01

Welcome everybody back to the Chill Like a Mother podcast. I'm Kayla Goussard, the host. I am a registered social worker, creative coach and counselor for parents. I wear a little bit of a different hat. I'm trained in expressive arts therapy and today we are here with Caitlin and we are going to talk about what it is like to parent highly sensitive children and, as therapists, what are our top kind of resources or things that we like to share with our clients and people in our circles that really make a difference when we are parenting as a highly sensitive person or parenting a highly sensitive child, and or the combination of both?

Caitlin Stevens: 0:44

Both. Yes, welcome Caitlin. Yes, well, thank you for having me.

Kayla Huszar: 0:53

Yes, thank you so much for being here. What is your personal connection with being passionate about talking about highly sensitive children or highly sensitive people?

Caitlin Stevens: 1:05

Yes, so I really dove into like what is a highly sensitive child. When my son was maybe about two to three, I really noticed that he just felt emotions so much bigger than you know. He just felt emotions so much bigger than what I saw other kids feeling and at first I was thinking, okay, he's just like shy or like anxious, but he really gets, you know, overwhelmed. In some of those like big social situations Things feel like really loud to him and he just his emotions, when he expresses them, are very, very big. And then as I reflect back and kind of think of myself, then I'm like, oh, I think I probably have some of those traits as well. More on the feeling things so, so deeply sigh, not necessarily being overstimulated, but I'm overstimulated now that I have kids, but feeling things very, very deeply and being affected by things like that you see in in the world, right, really sad stories, like news. I would find that I would be really, really affected by those.

Kayla Huszar: 2:27

And what did you find at that time? How did you like implement the things you were learning into practice? And then did it make a difference?

Caitlin Stevens: 2:37

Absolutely so I know for myself when my child was first like, oh, these big emotions, like he's not running around with all the other kids, he's not the first like kid in the bouncy house with all the other kids, like he kind of hangs back, and I was thinking I'm like, okay, what's like? What's wrong with him? Is there something like wrong? I was trying to find like a solution to the like oh, this isn't like what I see the other kids doing. So when I really did some research, read Elaine Aaron's book, who is the founder of the term the highly sensitive person and she is the one who really coined the term and let us know what highly sensitive people are and really it's not a mental health disorder, it really is just a temperament and it's seen around. Like research estimates between 20 and 30 percent of the world is highly sensitive and it's across cultures, so it's not just in North America or Canada, it's very much like seen across the world that there is these people that have just a more attuned, a more sensitive temperament. And even in animals too, and I think you can, everybody kind of remembers maybe a dog or a cat or something that just was, oh, seemed to feel things a little bit more, was just a little more, maybe overstimulated or slow to warm up. So it's really like it cuts across, like so many things, and it's the biggest piece is it's a temperament. It's not something that we can really like, shift or change, but there are strategies that make it a lot easier for highly sensitive people to thrive, rather than struggle and think like, oh, there's something wrong with me. So I think for the, what helped me was just learning about what highly sensitive people are and Elaine Aron's work and some podcasts, some books. There was another great researcher out there that he also studied highly sensitive people. I can't remember what his name is, but he has a TED talk where he talks about himself.

Caitlin Stevens: 4:53

Who is this world-renowned pediatrician? Long marriage has done really, really well in his life and then he has a sister that's very, very, very close in age that has had significant mental health struggles throughout the years and he said once he got older he's like he really wanted to understand. We were both raised by the same parents, and parents in the 50s or 60s it's your stereotypical, more punishment, just like harsher parents. And she's like why did I thrive so much and my sister just struggled so much and we both relatively had the same childhood and he used the term highly sensitive people as being orchids needing that right environment to thrive and really do well, feeling understood, feeling accepted.

Caitlin Stevens: 5:48

And himself he's like I, was like a dandelion. I could kind of just, like you know what, thrive in whatever kind of environment and I was okay, so that the type of parents that he had that were just more harsh and punitive, that was fine for him, it really didn't affect him that much. But for his sister, who is highly sensitive, that type of harsh parenting will make those symptoms come out, like the depression, the negative self-talk that will just become larger. So yeah, the study is, if highly sensitive kids are given it's like the right environment and it doesn't have to be, you don't have to be perfect, but you, you understand it, you accept it and you kind of you know what, what can we do to kind of help you? Then they are more likely to to thrive, whereas like dandelions they'll be good wherever. But given the right environment, your kids will will thrive.

Kayla Huszar: 6:48

Oh, I love that analogy. And um, there was another analogy that just came to me. Oh, yes, the that your highly sensitive children are like the barometer for your home right and so if, like, if something is off just a little bit, or your tone, or you say something in a different way today than yesterday, like they are on it, like they they watch, they sense, they feel, and and I feel that so much.

Kayla Huszar: 7:15

In my own highly sensitive home of like, I have one kid who can like tolerate a little bit of that, like sharper tone, you know, like it doesn't affect him as much. And then I have another kid who's like, like words haven't even exited my mouth yet, it's just like the energy has changed around the parenting or the communication.

Kayla Huszar: 7:37

It's like he knows, like he already knows and it's like you know, he just has such a sense for for that energy shift or that tone change like well, why are you saying it like this today when you said it like this yesterday or like yeah?

Caitlin Stevens: 7:54

yeah, they really are so attuned to those pieces and those subtleties and they they observe more, right, even like body language, things like that. I know with my kiddo I think it was a couple days ago but he's like, are you mad? And I'm like, no, not really. He's like, oh, the way you like closed it closed like the cupboard door. It's like seemed like you were mad, like, no, I'm not, I'm not mad, maybe I just in, I don't know.

Caitlin Stevens: 8:24

But yeah, they just really observe, which is really fantastic that they, like you, know what they take things in before, like acting or deciding what to do. But it's also not necessarily the norm in childhood right, where you have the kids that are like, ah, running around like crazy when they first get into the play center, and then you have some kiddos that are just like, yeah, that just seems like too much right now. And it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with them, it's just that their temperament and their body is saying like, not for me, not right now. They're more attuned to what they're feeling too, which is really something to be acknowledged and celebrated, because that's what we want, is people to be attuned with what they're feeling rather than just, oh, I have no idea what I'm feeling. I'm just going to push it to the side and pretend like everything's okay. Yeah, so there's a lot of guests that highly sensitive kids have, absolutely.

Kayla Huszar: 9:29

Absolutely. What would you say to a parent who is sitting in front of you who was really finding navigating, this temperament and modern parenting changing? You know like, and I'll give you, for example, my highly sensitive child cannot tolerate when I talk to him in that like really gentle tone, right? He's just like yes, of course I'm mad.

Caitlin Stevens: 9:56

You know, it always seems condescending, Whereas like yeah, don't like, uh, gentle parent me.

Kayla Huszar: 10:05

Yes, for example, and he has like said that to me, he's been like you need to just let me do this.

Kayla Huszar: 10:11

Stop naming my feelings, stop, you know like, stop, yeah, basically, yeah it feels like, yeah, so it felt really hard for me to to want to parent in a more attachment-based way, but not know how to navigate that, um, the highly sensitive temperament in in that same sphere, right, and so I found it really challenging because it's like this is what I, I naturally want to do, or what the books tell me to do, and you're rejecting it.

Caitlin Stevens: 10:53

Yeah, no, absolutely yeah, that's so my kid and it's a lot of highly sensitive kids Whereas he doesn't like to talk about what he's feeling, it's like he will reject all of that. Here's my other girl. She's like she'll just come up to me. She's like I'm disappointed, like oh, okay, why are you disappointed? And she'll be totally fine with just talking about it, whereas my boy is like, don't say any feeling words. So I just know that even though I want to, it's going to be pushback. Even though I want to, it's going to be, it's going to be pushback. So the dance is how do you kind of deal with that underlying feeling without directly addressing it? And then you don't want to just necessarily like, okay, I guess we're just never going to talk about it again. That's not a solution either. So I find that, like with my kiddo, he loves stories. So I tell a lot of stories about myself when I was younger, about my brother, about Nana, about Papa, because kids just they naturally just love stories, and he's one. He's just like, oh, and then what did you do? Oh, an uncle did that. Then what did you do? Oh, an uncle did that. And then I will like narrate some things that are somewhat similar to what he's experiencing, whether it's her friend hurt his feelings or he felt like left out at the playground. I won't directly say like how did that feel when so-and-so like ran away, but it's like, oh, I remember when that happened and oh, I felt really, really like upset and sad. And then I talked to Nana about it and we talked about maybe some ways that I could feel a little bit better and we just go about it. I just go about it a different, a different way, because they know that it'll just like I'll never get anywhere. It's like, yeah, I'm beating my head against the wall, it's like not going to work but stories, because kids love stories and my kid especially just he loves stories and it's also that connection of like, oh, like this is what happened to mom when she was little or what happened to uncle or dad or whatever. So he's just more, more interested, because it's always fun to stories about your parents when they were little. Even like I like to hear stories about my parents when they were little. It's just interesting, I think. So that's how we kind of like work around that Sometimes there's pieces where it's like, oh, something happened where I know it's bothering him or I know something happened, but I actually don't know what happened.

Caitlin Stevens: 13:33

So, for example, during spring hockey he was told that I think they were I didn't love it they were going to bench him if he didn't pass or took the puck from one of his teammates or something. I don't know he was seven. They're going to bench him if he like didn't pass or took the puck from like one of his teammates or something. I don't know. It was seven, like they're just learning.

Caitlin Stevens: 13:51

And we knew something was going on because even his like he just seemed he pulled back during his play and everything. And then I could tell afterwards like something was going on, but I had no idea what was going on. Like something was going on, but I had no idea what was going on. So in the car we were going for a drive and I think we went somewhere, like a McDonald's or something, and then I'm like you seem like really like really upset or really sad right now, and it took him a little while. And then he's like you know why I'm upset, this is what so-and-so said. So sometimes if he's like you know why I'm upset, this is what so-and-so said. So sometimes if it's like I don't know what happened, but I know something did. Then we'll just kind of bring it down, make it very like, non, non-threatening and like in the car, right, everybody finds it easier to talk in a car or going for a walk or playing, because play is is really how kids process and like, learn and and feel safer expressing things.

Caitlin Stevens: 14:52

So yeah, but it's it's a dance right, because people often like, reject those like what are you feeling?

Kayla Huszar: 15:01

yes, nothing, or like. What happens to me now is I'll like mislabel the feeling, right, I'll like I'll interpret it as like anger or disappointment or something, and then they'll be like that's not what I'm feeling.

Caitlin Stevens: 15:16

Yeah, it's like a little guy, because he's like my daughter's really good with that. I'm'm like oh, are you, are you sad? She's like no, I'm mad. Like, at least you know the difference, which is brilliant. Yeah, the goal.

Kayla Huszar: 15:32

Yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely. The storytelling is really interesting to me. I read a book called Playful Parenting. It was written by a american researcher, psychologist, and the whole book is how to approach um. He doesn't name highly sensitive children necessarily, but just like children with difficult temperaments, like how, how do you reach them? How do you, how do you guide them? How do you teach them skills if they are resistant to the verbal, you know that type of verbal communication that we're used to? And, um, he had this example of working with some really difficult children and and one of the children had come to session and I'd like shot him with a nerf gun and it was like out of anger, and he knew it was out of anger and he could like read between the lines about all these things that this child was experiencing.

Kayla Huszar: 16:23

and he he knew it was out of anger and he could, like read between the lines about all these things that this child was experiencing and he called it like a love dart or something. And so, instead of being mad at the child for expressing himself that way, he was like oh, you've hit me with your love dart, you love me so much and I care about you, you know.

Kayla Huszar: 16:42

and so he just like he made it kind of goofy and got reframed yeah, like totally reframed it and like diffuse the situation because he names in the book that like had I come in there and been like you haven't seen me for a week, I'm here, your mom said this and you need to be present and you can't be shooting me with nerf guns like I know that was out of anger, you know it would have totally changed and probably ruined the relationship dynamic that they have. Absolutely. So, like thinking about this from a parenting lens, which true story. I have been harsh with my children. It's impossible, not to it's yeah. But when I am able to access that sense of play or story or um, engaging in whatever narrative they're kind of trying to play out, it can really help process the emotion or the feeling without the like, the heated you did this you shouldn't be doing this.

Caitlin Stevens: 17:47

I know that you're angry, you know like yeah, it takes the harshness out of it because the kids there with this like anger and it would have been met with, uh, even I mean you could have set a boundary then but and maybe it would have been fine, but he probably wouldn't have gotten where he got to within that session.

Kayla Huszar: 18:12

Yeah, yeah, there's a couple other skills and resources that I pull from that. Skills and resources that I pull from that, one of like if you're, if your child, like you know, storms away and slams the door and you know they don't want to talk to you is to like put little love notes like under under the door, and I did that once. It was like the middle of the pandemic. These were really rough and I just simply said the wrong thing at the wrong time to my highly sensitive kiddo and he actually went and swore it and stormed off down to his room, slammed the door, continued to slam around in his room and I so badly wanted to open the door and do that natural tendency.

Kayla Huszar: 19:03

Take control, take control wanted to like open the door, and you know do and that natural tendency you know of like right, that was disrespectful and you better respect me and all the things.

Kayla Huszar: 19:11

But instead I had that pause moment and I cut up these little pieces of construction paper and he couldn't read at the time. So it was like it was very short words, you know, with like some pictures on it. But I would just like I just wrote like I love you and then put it under the door, and then another one with a heart and put it under the door, and then I just waited just to see how he would react, because I heard the slamming stop when I put the note under the door and all of a sudden he was like how do I spell something? And then he wrote on the back of the note and then put it back to me and the first one was like I'm mad at you in his like kindergarten letters and words. And then I put another one under and then I feel like drew a dinosaur or something and put it under. And then finally we had this like note exchange of like I'm mad at you. But then eventually he did write like I love you too, or you know, something like that.

Kayla Huszar: 20:11

And it totally diffused the situation, even though I wanted I so badly wanted to go in and just like you cannot do that, like that is not okay, that's not how we treat people, you know, like all the things. But what ended up happening is through that like diffused energy, we were able to like circle back and actually get to the root of the thing, which is that he didn't like the way that I'd said something to him and I was like, yeah, you know what?

Caitlin Stevens: 20:45

Like now that I have context and thinking about it in perspective and we've like connected in this way, I was like, yeah, yeah, that was really harsh of me and really that repair of coming back and circling back to the original like moment of disconnection and we're not always going to get it right. But then it's like what moments can we take where you know it could have been? You're not doing that to me and he's like I get like slamming things, slamming things, and it just like goes and goes and goes until like somebody really like loses it and then it's like we are like this huge issue and really it was like, oh, okay, that that tone that was like hurtful, but he couldn't.

Caitlin Stevens: 21:33

he couldn't necessarily access that because he was younger and maybe didn't necessarily have the words to say what he needed to say. But yeah, you got there, knowing the skills that he had and what would calm his little body down, his little nervous system down. And also that time and when we do like the notes and I'm a big fan of like notes or like hearts or things like that, because it also helps them kind of access their little bit of a logical brain when they're in the big, huge, like meltdown emotions. So I'm a huge fan of like little notes or like, yeah, any sort of like creative outlet too, which is your bread and butter right, just to move that energy. That's awesome. Yeah, such a good example.

Kayla Huszar: 22:27

Thank you, what do you want parents of highly sensitive children to know?

Caitlin Stevens: 22:35

Gosh, there's so, so much. But I think, like the top couple things is that, like your child is not choosing to be like dramatic or difficult or like pull back or anything that is is kind of like negative, right, they're not choosing to be like another one is is dramatic, or like one that I hate, is like a crybaby, right, they're not choosing to, you know, feel their feelings so, so big. That's just, that's our temperament, right. How some people are just bored, naturally, like not outgoing and extroverted, and some people are just more introverted. That's temperament inherently, and if we can kind of acknowledge that and see it as something that can be very, very positive and they're more attuned, they're more aware, they can often be more creative as well, it can be such a great skill to really, or temperament, to really really have going forward and can be something that serves them well into their teenage years, when we're all doing some things that are maybe not the best, right, they can trust their inner voice, their inner sensations of like yeah, I'm not going to do that.

Caitlin Stevens: 24:04

And when you tell them to trust themselves and like you know, you can trust that, that feeling, and that's not bad. You don't need to like push past it or override it. Then you are building people that are just more ready to kind of like be in the world, because the world's not perfect. Things will be overwhelming, things will be frustrating, but then they will also know how how to cope and that what they're feeling it's like it's okay to have feelings, but then we also you know what teach that, that regulation and how they can acknowledge and express their feelings in healthy ways. And I think with highly sensitive kids it just has to happen. It happens earlier because it just presents earlier and parents are like what is happening, so it just comes up earlier. Everybody has to learn emotional regulation throughout their life, but I think with highly sensitive kids we just we see that okay, we got to really like hone in on these skills a little bit earlier.

Kayla Huszar: 25:10

Yes, yes, absolutely. And so if a parent is looking for support, where can people reach out to you, Caitlin?

Caitlin Stevens: 25:26

people reach out to you, caitlin. Yes, so I am online at Mama Psychologist and also at Couples to Cradles Counseling, where we do have therapists that work with highly sensitive kids and the parents of highly sensitive kids.

Kayla Huszar: 25:36

Thank you so much for being here and sharing your wisdom and pieces of your time and yourself with us today. Yes, thank you.