Breaking Free from Perfectionist Parenting

In this conversation, Kayla Huszar and Christina Corcoran delve into the complexities of perfectionism in motherhood. They explore how perfectionist tendencies can manifest in both mothers and their children, leading to cycles of self-criticism and anxiety. Christina shares her personal journey of self-awareness and the awakening she experienced when recognizing these traits in herself and her children. The discussion emphasizes the importance of self-compassion, practical strategies for change, and the role of modeling healthy behaviors for children. Ultimately, the conversation serves as a reminder that parents are not alone in their struggles and that growth is a continuous process.

Takeaways

• Perfectionism in motherhood can be a significant challenge.
• Children often mirror their parents' behaviors and traits.
• Self-awareness is crucial for breaking the cycle of perfectionism.
• It's important to focus on self-compassion rather than self-criticism.
• Parents only need to get it right 30% of the time for their children to thrive.
• Modeling healthy coping mechanisms is essential for children.
• Awareness, acceptance, and action are key steps in personal growth.
• Redirecting negative thoughts can lead to a more positive mindset.
• It's never too late to change and improve parenting practices.
• Parents should embrace their imperfections and learn from them.

Chapters

• 0:00 Perfectionism in Motherhood
• 13:27 Practicing Self-Compassion
• 30:02 Parenting With Self-Compassion and Grace

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hello, christina. I am so happy that we are able to connect today and talk about the elephant in the room perfectionism in motherhood. How our kids sometimes start to take on those was like my kids aren't going to get any of my shit, this will be good. I'm going to do this differently. They're not going to pick up on all those nuances and little things that I do. No, they do, and they did. So how about you introduce yourself to the listeners, christina?

Speaker 2: 0:44

Hello, I'm so happy to be here. Thank you again. My name is Christina Corcoran and I live in the Midwest in the USA. I'm a mom of two girls and they're both school age right now and I do stay home currently, so my world is really revolving around like the motherhood, but I'm also a writer, so I've got that creative side that's still trying to hold on no-transcript these little mirrors, okay, and so eventually you start to see things in them that is, you know, concerning, and it doesn't always hit you that it's sort of sourced from you Because, like, especially when they're in pain, they're having a meltdown, their reactions are intense. You're just kind of reacting.

Speaker 2: 2:26

I mean, motherhood is all about, like, putting out fires. You know you're very busy, you're very tired, and so that's kind of how I came to this topic of perfectionism. It's because I saw my oldest daughter, even as I was two, just like so hard on herself just really struggling with things that didn't seem to match the intensity of her frustration. You know, and it didn't matter what I said, I mean I tried so many things. You know growth mindset things. You know growth mindset I was. I was rewarding her with praising. I was praising her with her process, you know, and try not to focus on like, oh, that's so pretty and you did such a great job. I was like, oh, I love, you know how hard you're working at that and you're being so creative with your choices of colors, you know, and those things were great, but there was still this wall I couldn't break through and it was so hopeless really. It was like I don't know what to do. So I mean, I really just I was looking for answers and didn't expect to find them in this package of perfectionism.

Speaker 2: 3:43

I went to a parent meeting about children who are gifted and at the time my child hadn't been tested. There were maybe signs that she might be. She was, you know, above average on her milestones. She was still preschool, but I went to this meeting and the woman was presenting about perfectionism and everything just hit. Let's check in all of these boxes for her, for me. I brought the information home. My husband, which I had never thought of as having this trait, was like oh my gosh, that sounds like me. Oh, I'm so hard on myself and oh, yeah, I definitely procrastinate, and so that was like our awakening, and that's where the real work started, for for all of us.

Speaker 1: 4:30

So tell, tell me about this moment, because I think this is really critical in self-awareness. When we are presented with a thing, this like information is coming at you and not only are you checking off the boxes in a perfectionist cycle. This could very much turn inwards, this could very much turn into a shame response and be like I'm never speaking about this to anybody ever. This is so uncomfortable I cannot tolerate it. I can't even imagine that this has come from me. And now I'm here for my child and I'm checking off all of the boxes for her, like, how did we get here? I'm just going to like close everything down and never talk about this again, right? So take me back to this moment in this meeting. Can you remember anything about, like the way your body felt, or the thoughts that you were having, or this, like this awakening as it was unfolding?

Speaker 2: 5:31

I do remember, because you don't get a lot of moments like that in life where something is just profoundly slapping you in the face, like the evidence is a little hard to deny. So when I'm hearing her speak and I'm thinking of my behaviors and my thoughts and my self-criticism I had already. So I told you no, we come into parenthood with baggage. Well, so I told you we come into parenthood with baggage. Well, I had gone through some therapy in my 20s, so pre-marriage, pre-kids, and I did have a little taste of what this felt like when my therapist brought up my father, therapist brought up my father and I had to work through my codependency issues, growing up in a family where there's alcoholism. So I already had that foundation and I was already a little aware of some of the things that were going on with me. But again, you get so busy as a parent you really kind of set aside that time and honestly you know, even just back when I went to therapy, that I'm going to date myself. But I mean we're talking probably about 2005. I mean, this was pre better health apps on your phone. This was pre celebrities openly talking about their mental health journeys. So you know I had done some work. But I wasn't finished I mean, are we ever finished, right? But I was moving on and I was doing my life.

Speaker 2: 7:18

And so when this moment happened, I thought, ok, I don't like this feeling. I felt that my body kind of clenching. I felt like my skin kind of crawling. I'm getting it again, actually just about it, because it's uncomfortable and you know, the easy thing to do is just be like I'm doing my best and just kind of push through and keep operating in the same way. But because I was already determined to break that cycle of the alcoholism and the codependency, I felt like, well, this is another cycle. And so I just decided like I'm going to look into this.

Speaker 2: 8:02

And really I was still focused on her. I was actually still way more focused on on her. How can I help her? What tools are there out there? What things can I do? And say I found some. But eventually I realized, within my research, because I started to dig pretty deep, it really had to come from me. I mean, because I'm setting the example, I'm modeling these behaviors and these thoughts and these reactions and the things that I'm saying and the way that my body is responding. They're picking up on that. And then, of course, having a spouse who's also got his own similar tendencies, I thought, oh my gosh, like is she doomed, like it felt really overwhelming. Yeah, um, you know, and but it was a, it was a process, and I'm still there, you know.

Speaker 1: 8:59

I'm still in that process oh, I'm hearing so much like soft, brutal honesty in your story, right, like there's like this. I'm seeing it in her. But I know that I'm also built that way and I also acknowledge that, like my partner is built this way, and I think something really key that you said is I was still so focused on her, and that's not wrong, right, because I have also been there. My child has a sensory processing disorder and ADHD, and we are considering some giftedness, and for a lot of years, I was focused on the tools for him, the tools that he needed. How was I teaching him to navigate his own system, his own things? And that was really valuable. I think.

Speaker 1: 9:59

As parents, we also got a lot of information from that, and it highlighted a lot of our own things like well, how would he know to react in that way? For sure, there's some nurture versus nature conversation happening, but it was like, oh no, I feel that way too. It just might not come out of my body in the same way, or I might not talk about it with the same words that he's using to talk about his struggles, but it's very similar, and so we were really heavy on the tools for him, the support for him, and then we kind of reached this limit where he was coming back from some of the therapy or the OT or whatever and saying like I already know all this stuff, like they're not teaching me anything that you haven't already taught me. I was like really good awareness, really good awareness, because he does know it.

Speaker 1: 11:02

It's the modeling at home that he needs to see right. He needs to see, witness, feeling the feelings. He needs to witness the words of I'm feeling overwhelmed and I need a minute, or like I'm about to go over the edge and I am feeling really unsafe in my own body and I need to be able to remove myself. And these are the things that I might do to get back online. Anybody in this place who is potentially having like a shame-based reaction to how you have parented or how your stuff has landed on your kids, please know that their brain development is not entirely locked in until 21. Regardless of what you read online, which is, yes, the first three years, the first six years, are so important, but you can repair across timelines, you don't need to be so hard on yourself, which is indicative of perfectionism.

Speaker 2: 12:20

I love that. I mean, that actually was going through my brain this morning when I was like fixing my hair. I had a moment to myself to kind of reflect on, like what are we going to talk about today? And I thought you know what I think. Something that I needed to hear and I think your listeners would appreciate is like it's not too late and it's never too early. So like I'm thankful that I found this. I think I'm thankful that I found this opportunity, whatever we were going to call it this trait and, in a good way of modeling a better, healthier coping mechanism.

Speaker 2: 13:03

I'll get to that in a minute, but I'm glad that we found it as early as we did. I would like to have said I found it earlier, you know, but I didn't. But what I'd love is to get this information to parents soon, you know, because earlier is better, but it's never too late. And I just I look at how far we've all come Because I have. So my oldest, that I kind of based all this on, is now nine and my youngest is seven, seven, and they're two very different personalities, um, some overlapping and yet. So it's like funny, because some of the things that I see in my older one, I go, oh, younger ones got it, she's good she's. But then there's times where I'm like, oh wait, she is. She is stressing about that because she doesn't want to disappoint herself or us, so she's putting extra pressure on herself in certain situations. It's just manifesting differently than my other child.

Speaker 2: 14:07

But, there is just such a beautiful kind of evolution that's happening, where all of us are catching ourselves. We're all just a little bit better every day at these things. And I mean, gosh, I tell you what, as a perfectionist, here's the thing. You are hard on yourself, right, but you want to do everything perfect, and so to mess up and to to yell or to forget that today was late start day, like those things are hard to let go, right, we start to ruminate on them and we compare ourselves to other parents and we think like, oh, they're all doing it so much easier, much easier, and and so that has been like such a a funny thing, because if I hadn't come to this realization and hadn't started the work, I really can't say I would be happy right now in my parenting role and I can't say that my kids because it's like it's just it's giving me.

Speaker 2: 15:13

It's like it's just it's giving me, it's not. I used to hear the phrase we're all just doing our best. It's the cringe. I used to be like don't let me off the hook, like I have some beating up to do right here. I got to learn from this Like I don't need that, that's for other people, whatever, and honestly, I didn't feel inclined to give that to other people.

Speaker 2: 15:39

There was some, some judgment like are they really doing their best? And like by finding self-compassion which is what I'm really um happy to talk about with you today by finding that I've actually become more compassionate to other parents. You know, and I do actually find myself using the phrase we're just doing this and I believe it, like I'm like okay, yeah, we are. You know we're in this together. It's okay and it's also. I feel like all this has been coming at a time where we're getting that message more and more. You know people are being more authentic with the pictures and the videos and the things that they're sharing on social media and you know people are kind of tearing down these walls and saying like it's OK, like we don't have to get it right every time, and that's just. It's beautiful, and it's just it's hitting at the right time for me especially, so I'm just glad that this is all kind of connecting.

Speaker 1: 16:36

Yes, yes, and I just want to say that the research across the last I'm going to say four decades still concludes that as parents, we only have to get it right 30% of the time for our children to be out in the world doing things. We're talking like 30% of the time so that they're not sociopaths. Right, we're talking 70% of the time. We are messy and we are figuring it out and we are yelling or too critical or too rushed or too anxious, are yelling or too critical or too rushed or too anxious 70% of the time we are allowed to be.

Speaker 1: 17:24

That 30% of the time when we get it right, and right for me is defined by parenting from your values, because that's what feels good in your body. Right, right is not. My kid has to be in five sports, because everybody else's kids are in five sports. If that feels right for you, amazing. If that doesn't feel right for you, it's going to come with a whole host of stressors and pressure. And so 30%, 30% of the time, and with that little segue into self-compassion, can you tell me some of the practical, actionable ways that that shows up in your life or that you practice it in your life?

Speaker 2: 18:06

Definitely so one of the things that I found kind of helpful for me to sort of get going with this was sort of the three A's of change, so awareness, acceptance and action. And so luckily, my awareness happened, you know, like I said like when she was about two, three, four, but I didn't know what to do with it. So then I had to accept it and I had to let go of that blame of like I created this, this problem, like, but then I think, oh well, wait, but where did it originate? Oh, okay, so I developed it as a coping mechanism. You know, living in a dysfunctional family, and then I also had a father who was an other oriented perfectionist, so that is, someone who maybe their life is kind of a mess, but they're putting these high standards on to those around them, very judgmental, very critical, nothing's good enough, kind of a pessimistic point of view. And I lived like that, I grew up that way, and honestly it was starting to be my default, you know. And so first I was aware, then I accepted it, and then I really was like, well, what do I do about it? Yeah, and so I mean that was a weird piece of the puzzle. And when I finally discovered, um, the self-compassion. Uh, it was. I was doing some google, uh, scholar research honestly. And then Kristen Neff, um is the one who sort of well, not sort of, but she did uh, define and start all of the research and it's grown and it's a. It's an amazing tool and it really just pairs perfectly with perfectionism, because there's three components of this the one, and then you can start at either one. I think they all kind of overlap in a way that it doesn't matter what you decide is the first or the second or the third, but self-kindness. So you know, my inner voice is like super harsh, very critical, very, very judgmental. You know I make a mistake and I'm like I should have known better, or what was I thinking? Or if I had done this, then that wouldn't have happened, or what are people going to think? I mean, it's just running around doing all this stuff, and so you know combating that really is. It's just running around doing all the stuff, and so you know combating that really is. It's a mindset like you have.

Speaker 2: 20:42

Your personality traits are built on habits and so how do you break a habit? I mean you, you can't get rid of perfectionism, it's just part of you, but you can kind of find ways to tame it. And so by being self-kind, by treating yourself in these moments as you would treat a friend who's struggling, that was the key for me. That's where I was like what? Like I would never tell this other mom Jeez, I'm sorry, but like you're kind of stupid because, like the late starts have been going on for three months and you've just now figured it out, you've been taking your kid. So no, I would never call someone stupid.

Speaker 2: 21:24

But like, if I did that, okay, I'm gonna be a little more, a little more hard on myself, and so that is sort of the the, the, the nugget. You know, you just gotta to learn this way and you have to fight because you've got these old habits. So it's a constant thing. I mean, every day, you know, every moment it's like, okay, how am I going to react to this? So that's something that I can model for my kids out loud. It's a little like, especially when they're younger, they're really learning so much, I mean, and picture books are great too. Fictional characters can do this for you. But yeah, you're a big source. So you know, just saying out loud like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe I did that, so you're acknowledging, so you know.

Speaker 2: 22:12

Then you move on to this other element, where it's like you don't want to suppress, okay, you don't want to ignore or deny this frustration or this feeling, because that's just making it bigger. It's growing, okay. And so it's like, okay, I did this thing. Oh, I don't like this feeling. I don't like this feeling I'm. But you know, giving yourself a moment, breathing through it and looking forward and saying like, okay, well, you know what, I'm not the only one who's done this.

Speaker 2: 22:46

And then that's that third element common humanity. We tend to get trapped and over-identify with these mistakes and these faults and these flaws and think that we're the only ones and it's just not true. And so all of these things, like I said, they're just kind of all swirling together. And by practicing this with your kids, it's just so simple. Sometimes, like I'm thinking back even just to breakfast, my youngest one's a little bit clumsy and so, you know, she spills them up. I mean, the whole don't cry over spilled milk, right.

Speaker 2: 23:20

But in my old days I would see that as not so much as like a flaw of hers for being clumsy, but, like now, I have this mess to clean up and I don't have time for this mess. And I am just jumping to that reaction and I'm just like, oh my gosh, again, like you know, be more careful, move it out of your elbow space, like, just like, coming up with all these, you know things, and that's not helping at all. Okay, so now she's getting shamed. So, like, what have we done? So in those little moments it's like it's just a oh, whoops, okay, yeah, let's clean that up. And you know, maybe next time, what do you think you could? Oh, yeah, move it away. And so it's just like letting them be easy on themselves, but me also being easy on them, yes, yes, I mean, I'm fighting my urges, you know.

Speaker 2: 24:16

And so it's funny, because this has been where I have become researcher. And so here's the funny thing my kids, we stopped using the word perfect, and so now, my youngest man, you can't use the word, even though there's times when things are actually like definition wise, perfect. No, mom, you can't say perfect, they're getting it, they're slowly getting it, and they'll correct me sometimes it's beautiful and it's it's humbling and sometimes embarrassing, but like they will. But you know they'll be like mom, you know that's okay. I just did a big project. I just sanded down a desk that I found on a curb. Never done this before. I bought some paint, oil-based. I was researching all this, I did all this stuff and it's beautiful, but the legs of the the desk are really rough because I did not sand it down well enough. And so I immediately was like I felt it when I was moving it into the room and I'm like, oh no, these. And they both were like mom, it's good enough. Mom, we love it. Mom, it looks great, it doesn't have to be perfect.

Speaker 1: 25:34

I was like okay, thank you yes, yes, they are like verbalizing to you, right, like what your inner child needs to hear, right, that, like it's enough, right, your your time or your money or your effort into this project is enough. The effort, just like you said, you know, partway through the episode of, like, I was praising them for the effort or the process, right? Is they recognized in this moment that the process for you was part of the, the experience, and they're highlighting that in this moment that like it's enough. You, like you, can still take pride in this project yes, yes, yes, embrace that, accept that.

Speaker 2: 26:31

You know, I have become happier because I am actually allowing myself to feel good and to feel proud and to acknowledge the work that I do and the accomplishments. And I used to just be focused, you know, on the other, I used to be focused on the negative, on the flaws, and so it's really just it's redirecting, it's just redirecting, so much redirecting. And, like I said, see them mirror that back to me. Oh, like, not only are they helping me, but I'm like, oh, yay, it's working.

Speaker 1: 27:09

Again, that like two things are true at the same time right, like they are mirroring to me exactly what I need to hear. Right, or exactly the words that are going to counteract that inner critic, that like that critical voice that sometimes we don't even realize is there because it's just so automatic, it's just so default. And also because they're mirroring it back to you, you know that the things that you have implemented are working or they're making a difference, or you know, like yeah.

Speaker 1: 27:44

Yeah, yeah, oh, that's so amazing. Oh, I think we could talk for another half an hour, christina, about this, and especially because I know that you mentioned that you're writing a book on this, and so the, the, the marrying between your own process of the three a's and Kristen Neff's, um, three, uh ways that you can be compassionate, um, and the common humanity piece, and all of that is so amazing and I cannot wait, um, until your comes out, and please make sure that you send me all the links and I will make sure that they are in the show notes, because this is something that not only I have struggled with. Brené Brown's book changed like, literally changed my life. That was that moment for me, the moment for you in the meeting, the parent meeting, the moment for you in the in the meeting. The parent meeting for me was Brené Brown and I listened to that book on a on a road trip. I was solo, my, my kids were at home, and it was like I came back a different person from that trip, just from that book.

Speaker 1: 28:55

And so the perfectionism piece in women is is glorified, right. It's like we should be striving in this way, we should be good, we should be right, we should be better because it affects our kids and we hear that message constantly on social media. Right, if you're not a strong leader, your anxiety will trickle down to them, or your perfectionism or your shame or whatever, and so we're kind of taught and socialized to strive for it, to strive for goodness and rightness and deal with all your demons so that they don't project onto them. If you have children and it's, yeah, it's glorified in this way so I know for a lot of people who are listening, this will feel or I hope it feels like a breath of fresh air that they just like let's name the common humanity piece. You are listening right now to two people who struggle with a critical inner voice and it is hard to turn it off sometimes or acknowledge it, befriend it, get to know it. What does it need?

Speaker 1: 29:54

yes, um like yeah, I was, I was close right.

Speaker 1: 29:58

Yes, get to know them. Um, I was. I was working with a client, actually through kristen neff's process, and um, instead of treating um talking to herself like a friend, we rephrased it to how would you talk to your child in this exact moment If they made a mistake? If they, whatever the situation is, how would you respond to your child? Because that I give my kids so much more grace than I give myself I'm constantly like people make mistakes grace than I give myself. I'm constantly like people make mistakes, man, like it's okay, yeah, sure, you were at recess and you got a hole in your pants, whatever Big deal. Like I give them so much more grace, so much more patience for those mistakes or those missteps or those.

Speaker 1: 30:54

It felt really good at the time to punch your brother. Yeah, it did. It felt really good, really good to punch him at that moment. You, really wholeheartedly. That was a good choice for you. Right After the five, not so good. And so you know, let's talk about it, because what's going on? Is it sensory, is it overwhelmed, whatever? So the common humanity piece is that you are listening right now to two people who have acknowledged perfectionism as part of the landscape of motherhood, which has all of its own little tentacles and other things as well, that you are not alone, you don't have to go through it alone, and if you are looking for resources, I will name them and link them in the notes Brené Brown, kristen Neff, and there's a couple other that are coming to mind that I will link below along with Christina's To Be Soon book. So thank you, christina. I really appreciate the conversation today and I wish you all of the best in your parenting landscape.