Why Self-Care Isn’t Changing Your Frustrations, Mama

Kayla Huszar on Post-Holiday Mom Life: Navigating Frustrations, Self-Care, and Creative Joy

Let’s talk about that post-holiday emotional hangover we moms face—the one where everything feels simultaneously too much and not enough. Kayla dives into the emotional rollercoaster of motherhood transitions, shedding light on the hidden frustrations bubbling beneath our “I’ve got this” exterior. She’s all about getting real about self-care (spoiler: it’s more than face masks) and leaning into creative expression as a way to reclaim joy and rediscover yourself.

Kayla gently calls out the usual culprits—mom guilt, time constraints, and unrealistic expectations—offering practical ways to embrace your creative spark and meet yourself with compassion, not judgment.

Key Takeaways

• Moms are pros at masking frustrations with a smile, but unacknowledged emotions have a way of sneaking up on us.
• Holiday chaos demands flexibility—and let’s face it, even the best-laid plans go sideways.
• Real self-care isn’t about looking good for the ‘gram; it’s about emotional and mental well-being.
• Creativity isn’t just a luxury; it’s an essential tool for fulfillment and modeling joy for your kids.
• Mom guilt? It’s a liar. Let it go. You deserve time for yourself.
• Small, intentional moments of creativity can lead to big emotional payoffs.
• Treat yourself the way you’d treat your kids—tune into your own needs with love and care.
• Motherhood is full of transitions. Acknowledging them can help ease frustrations and manage expectations.
• Joy and creativity are worth prioritizing—even if the house is a mess.
• Rediscovering your identity as a mom takes intention, patience, and a whole lot of self-compassion.

This is your reminder that you’re more than just a mom. You’re a creative force, even if your medium right now is PB&J sandwiches and bedtime stories.

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Motherhood
• 12:03 Embracing Creativity and Self-Care

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Serious talk now. As moms, we need to talk about the things we try to ignore after any kind of big event, such as the holidays. You know when everything's technically fine but you're secretly holding your breath just trying to get through the day. I don't know about you, but as I'm recording this, my kiddos went back to school yesterday after Christmas break and it was a big deep breath moment for me. And what I really want to know from you is what's still hanging on after the holidays this year. What's the one thing that's bugging you more than you care to admit? Maybe it was a wait did that actually happen moment? A sneaky bathroom break for some silent screaming, the? I cannot believe that happened. Or that was said Dinner table conversation. Or maybe it was an epic meltdown, either yours or theirs. It's a new judgment from me. Can we just take a second to acknowledge, as mothers, how things can feel fine on the surface, but underneath that, frustration just keeps oning me.

Speaker 1: 1:24

So this year was the first time that my husband and I were apart for Christmas. He's been a shift worker for most of our parenting life, so there's always been a bit of a level of flexibility and non-negotiables about holiday season, and so Christmas was different this year, and so Christmas was different this year. We had to make it work, but I had to be very flexible. We spent Christmas early with my mom because of the weather and my husband's schedule, and then we did our family Christmas before the actual Christmas day, and then on actual Christmas day I was with my in-laws, with the first ever time, waking up there on Christmas day with my kids, and then I spent the rest of the week with friends. So, if you didn't know, my partner works a camp job and so he's home for a week, gone for a week. So when I say he worked Christmas day, it's not like he was home later that evening. He was gone from Christmas Eve to New Year's Eve, and when he got home, all I wanted to do was spend time with him, and throughout the week I had to manage a lot of frustrations and disappointment, and not only my kids, but also myself. I thought it was going to be okay, and you know what In truth, it was, but it was also stressful, and so the question that I keep coming to is how do I make peace with something Wasn't really okay, but it was also okay because it was necessary and non-negotiable. I can't change my husband's schedule, but I can choose how I respond to it.

Speaker 1: 3:20

So, in case you're new here, I'm Kayla, a registered social worker and expressive arts therapist, and I work with moms who are busy and overwhelmed and honestly raving away to themselves. And in my Motherlode membership, which is opening its doors again in February 2025, which is this year I'm building a space for you to rediscover your identity beyond just being a mom, and in this stage of life, I am rediscovering how to not be a people pleaser and align with who I am at my core. And so a question that I get asked a lot with this making peace with things that are okay but also not okay is the sub-question of when will it get easier? And I'm coming up on 10 years of motherhood and here's what I've learned. It doesn't get easier per se, but I think I've gotten better or I'd like to think I've gotten better at riding the waves and responding to these transitions. And I heard a stat the other day and don't quote me on this, I don't know if it's true, but for the purposes of my discussion today, let's just say it is you will go through 52 different transitions in a year. Now I know that that number aligns with also the number of weeks, but let's just for a minute say that you, as a human, you go through 52 transitions a year. You could go through more than one a week. There could be weeks where you don't go through any. And so responding to transitions whether it be heading into the holidays, heading out of the holidays, heading into a sleep regression, heading out of a sleep regression the hard moments of those transitions are still hard. They're still hard today, just as they were on day six.

Speaker 1: 5:32

And within that transition, or within that frustration, sometimes I can show up with my heart bursting with love, ready to embrace. I can show up with my heart bursting with love, ready to embrace it. And on the not-so-good days, the other days, it's a messy mix of rage, anxiety, frustration and insecurity. And in this stage of life that I'm currently in, sometimes I feel like I'm just treading water while my own needs kind of hang out in a time of, because we are getting used to this rhythm, and sometimes the feeling gets stuck or lost in the dryer, still going through the motions, but stuck Hiding. And so if you're feeling like the you before you've had kids as missing, loss or also stuck somewhere. I hear you, she's still in there. She might be buried, like me, like a sock in the dryer. She might be buried under those dishes or the endless requests, but she's in there, waiting for you to notice her, to rediscover her. So let's go back to that frustration that you might feel, whether it's about the holidays or something else.

Speaker 1: 7:14

That frustration doesn't mean that you're a bad mom. It means that you need support, help, recognition, space, breath, a moment to yourself. That's what it means. Doesn't mean you're a bad mom. And while some things in life might be non-negotiable, like schedules you can't control or seasons of survival, also doesn't mean that your needs are negotiable. They're just as real and valid as anyone else's, and you're allowed to take up space in your life to ask for more and to choose how you'd like to respond. So when motherhood feels frustrating and weird, that little voice in your head starts coming in saying you need to take care of yourself more.

Speaker 1: 8:13

And when we think about taking care of ourselves, the word self-care is bubble baths and face masks and a perfectly curated Instagram moment. But real self-care is not about the aesthetics. It's about listening to your frustrations, your needs and what's bubbling underneath the surface. So if self-care was a recipe, it wouldn't be spa days and scented candles Though for some that might be true, but most of the time, self-care is divided into two categories, and if this was the recipe, this is how it would go it would be 70% serotonin and 30% dopamine. Now there are scientific definitions of these things, but here's how I'm going to define it for you.

Speaker 1: 9:15

Dopamine is the quick fix, but it doesn't necessarily last, and serotonin is the future. Me thanks me for this. It's long lasting. It's often deeper, more intentional, not easy, not easy kind of work. So I'll give you some examples. Dopamine could be Netflix, binge scrolling, social media, caffeine, coffee, chocolate, wine or other indulgences, and retail therapy. Serotonin comes from this idea of connection, creativity, trust, inner work, so things like creative practices such as art or journaling or music. It's getting creative about the ways that you find rest or restoration, going therapy, real human connections, saying no when you need to and saying yes when you need to, moving your body and putting food and liquid in your body in ways that feel good for you.

Speaker 1: 10:30

So the Instagram version, or the patriarchy version, of self-care is really about looking good, right, it's potentially getting your hair done, lashes, nails, and I'm not taking anything away from anybody who feels like that is real self-care. The self-care that I'm talking about today is about investing in your mental and emotional well-being, and not just that outward appearance. And so what do I really mean by self-care? And I was presenting at a day home conference one time and a mother and a day homeowner asked me what I really meant by this, and here's what I said to her. You know, when your kid is losing it, when you approach them with a love and a kindness, or how you spend time researching for the best ways to parent for their needs, or how you meticulously respond to their sleep needs or plan their extracurriculars, it's that, it's all of that, but done for you, not them for you. Now, before you roll your eyes and say, kayla, I can't even find time to pee alone, like I don't have the time for this, and I want to say that real self-care is not about hours and hours of time away from your family, or time away from your kids, or having to get a babysitter, or even an expensive hobby Could be those things, but it doesn't have to be so.

Speaker 1: 12:03

Self-care, as I define it, is responding to yourself in the same way that you respond to your children, you pay attention to what you really need. So, circling back to that festering question of how do I make peace with something that wasn't really okay? But it was okay and necessary and non-negotiable. And here's my answer Always Tiny, creative, mindful moments. Creative mindful moments, those fleeting moments of spark that remind you that you are human. You are more than the roles you play. You are more than the chaos. You are not defined by the expectations of others. How do we deal with the festering frustration? We listen, we tune in, we take pause and hear that little whisper that you're still you.

Speaker 1: 13:02

And when you create, whether it is art or baking or being out in nature, when you create, you're not just filling your own cup, you're modeling something priceless for your family. You are showing them that it is okay to prioritize joy, to prioritize creativity, to prioritize non-productive activities, even when the kitchen looks like a war zone and maybe you're a solo parent, a lot of the time it's the small things that make a big difference. Maybe it's a quick doodle in the corner of your notebook, a few scrib messy thoughts in your journal before bed, or who, dare I say, poop Without your phone. Maybe it's finding a creative way to be present with your kids. What matters, what I hope for you, is that when you take those tiny slivers of time to reconnect with yourself, you feel more grounded and more whole. So this is all good and well, right, but how do we get through the barriers of it, the barriers of the bum, guilt and the not enough time and what is a good mom?

Speaker 1: 14:31

So here are some of the biggest roadblocks to creativity, or taking care of yourself, or self-care, if you will Immediately, is mom guilt. Society loves to make you feel guilty for taking care of yourself, and it's total bullshit and absolutely toxic. You deserve space, time and permission to focus on you, because when you do that, when you break through that mom guilt, the guilt actually transforms. It's no longer guilt. You name it for what it is.

Speaker 1: 15:09

The second barrier to creativity that I hear from almost all of my clients and women in my life is I can't even find 15 minutes, and I know this, I know this deeply and also I know that if we as women, as people who engage in this modern society that we live in, if we are spending more than 15 minutes a day on social media or on the internet, which the average is actually closer to two hours, then you do have time. You do have time. You might just be spending it on other things and maybe you don't even know that you're spending it on other things, but if you're spending more than 15 minutes a day on social media or on your phone, then you do have time, and I know that that can feel like a gut punch, and it is a gut punch for me every time I start to think about it when I hear those words I don't have time for this, I don't have time for this. How can I or somebody else possibly expect me to do any of these things? Well, I have to be disciplined. I have to acknowledge that I'm participating in this thing that I don't even really want to participate in and doesn't make me feel very good. Now, if screen time or scrolling does make you feel good, then how do you carve out that time in another way? Because the third thing that I hear from people is that many, almost all of my clients are researching, thinking and planning of all the ways to be a good and right mom, and all of that leaves zero, zero room for you to exist, to just be, to just be.

Speaker 1: 17:00

I, ironically, I was scrolling the other day and came across one of my favorite creators and he's a therapist and he does these reels where, like you can see him as a therapist, and then it flashes to like the client, which is also him. And the client was saying well, I have a sleep problem, I have a problem with sleep. And the therapist goes okay, well, tell me more about that. Well, when I lay my head down at night, I can't stop the thoughts. So I, like I have a sleep problem, I can't fall asleep. And the therapist says no, you have a thinking problem, you have a thoughts problem. And this was the moment for me when he said tell me how you're spending time, tell me how you spend your day. And the client goes on to say, like you know, they get up, they check their phone, they go to work, they take their phone to the bathroom, they watch TV before bed, and then they scroll until they fell asleep and then, when they finally put their phone down, these thoughts kind of hit them like this big wave. And the therapist said it's because there's no time in the day for your thoughts to naturally occur and to come to you and for you to process them If the only time you're not engaged in anything is those 10 minutes or, you know, 60 to 90 minutes before you actually fall asleep at night, like all of those thoughts would have came to you throughout the day if you would have spent.

Speaker 1: 18:30

And so I have been stuck in this cycle. I have lived this cycle. There's so much information out there about how to be a good and right mom, and yet maybe there's only a handful of ideas that work for you. So one way to reclaim yourself, to rediscover yourself, to recalibrate to how you want to show up, is to find one small way to create something this week to honor yourself in some way anyway. And if you're sitting there thinking well, I have no idea where to start. My life is overwhelming and I'm constantly overstimulated, or I don't even know if I could find the time like it feels really unsafe for me to be with myself or with my thoughts.

Speaker 1: 19:30

I would encourage you to check out what my motherhood membership is all about. It's a reminder that you're not just a mom. You're a creative person, you're a dreamer, you're a singer, you're a dancer and you don't have to do any of those things professionally to call yourself that or to have fun with those words or those titles. Motherhood is hard. It is hard, and the frustrations are real and they exist. And you also don't have to lose yourself in it. Your creative spark, your authentic self, who you are at the core, is just waiting to be known again.

Speaker 1: 20:17

And we have a lot of opinions about creativity. I'm not going to get into that right now, but it's not a luxury, it's not something reserved for people who have skill or who have time. All of the things I have read in many, many, many different places say that it's essential. It's part of our being. We crave it, we want it and it makes us feel good. So if any of this resonated with you, I encourage you to check out the motherlode and or just experiment with what it might feel like to look at, engage with, define that creative spark inside of you, and to answer this question of how do I make peace with something?

Speaker 1: 21:12

It was frustrating, not okay, but okay because it's part of the non-negotiable of my life. How can I choose to respond to that? How can I choose to engage with it? So thank you for hanging with me today. Feel free to send me, you know, your own big, festering questions or your own frustrations, because I want to help you move through it. I want you to change the way that you answer to how are things? Well, they're fine, I'm okay, it is what it is. You don't have to hold your breath. You don't have to flinch. You don't have to hold your breath. You don't have to flinch. You don't have to hold everything in every word. You are allowed to take up space. In fact, you should and that's a positive kind of should. I'm a negative should See you next week.