Chill Like a Mother Podcast
This show shares stories, offers tips and tricks, and provides education to help you feel more chill like the mother you know you want to be.
Hey! I'm Kayla Huszar, a creative counsellor who's all about unconventional therapy that encourages creativity, curiosity and finding what makes you feel alive (again). I've helped so many women navigate the waves (ups and downs) of motherhood, and I'm here for you, too!
So, if you're feeling overwhelmed or need a moment to yourself, grab your headphones and press play on an episode!
You're not alone, and you already know what you need.
Chill Like a Mother Podcast
Gentle Parenting: Raising Emotionally Intelligent Kids with Creative Parenting
This episode delves into the complexities of gentle parenting, particularly when navigating the unique emotional and behavioral needs of neurodiverse children. We explore the misconceptions surrounding gentle parenting, the power of language in communication, and the importance of embracing creativity in parenting.
• The challenges of gentle parenting with neurodiverse children
• Misunderstandings about the gentle parenting movement
• The significance of emotional expression in children
• Impact of social media on parenting expectations
• How language choice influences child responses
• Incorporating creativity in parenting and emotional growth
• Recognizing individual differences in children’s needs
Meet Kayla Huszar, the Host of the Chill Like a Mother Podcast
Kayla Huszar is a Registered Social Worker and Expressive Arts Therapist who helps mothers reconnect with their authentic selves through embodied art-making. She encourages moms to embrace the messy, beautiful realities of their unique motherhood journeys. Whether through the podcast, 1:1 sessions or her signature Motherload Membership, Kayla creates a brave space for mothers to explore their identities beyond parenting, reconnect with their intuition, and find creative outlets for emotional expression and self-discovery.
Thank you for letting me be a part of your day—kids running amok and all! If this episode helped you feel a little more chill, please leave a rating or review. Your feedback helps the podcast reach more moms who need to hear it.
Welcome to the Chill Like a Mother podcast. Today we are going to be talking about the children that go against the grain, and when the gentle parent is trying to be gentling and the children are not gentling, and how we navigate that like against the grain parenting and when our children push up against that like what we as mothers think that we should be doing or responding in a certain way. So, gabby, let's just like jump right into it. Tell the listeners a little bit about yourself and how we came to be so passionate about talking about this today.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I am, my background is a Marth therapist, but I also have an education background, so I was a teacher prior to doing all of this and I was that kid that really went against the grain, like with my mom. I gave her a really hard time and then I produced mini, mini Gabby. Then I produced myself and my son version um, and I see a lot of the things that I went through as a child in him and how it could have been adjusted with my, my parents parenting style. But again, like they're only given so much information then and we have much more now, thankfully, especially with, like, our backgrounds as an art therapist and a counselor.
Speaker 2:So it was from, I would say, even birth. Like clothes bothered him, diapers bothered him. I'm like what's wrong with this kid? He wouldn't let me leave his side, he suckled, he um, had a hard time sleeping on his own and then he got older and words started to come and gestures, and I'm like, oh, oh, I get it. You're not a hard baby, you just are a different kind of child. You're like your mom. You don't like textures, you don't like. You have a hard time settling your mind, settling your body and we have to work all night together.
Speaker 2:So it's been a journey. It's definitely been a journey because I have three children and he's he was my first and I always said, if I can handle his name is Sage, I can handle Sage, I can handle any child, I can do anything and he's I mean, he's a wonderful kid. There's like so much benefits with that neurodivergent brain, like the empathy, the understanding, the like observations that they just did on their own. But then there's the pushbacks and the calling your bluffs and I think there's a large emphasis on the gentle parenting movement and I think there's just this large misconception about, like, what gentle parenting actually is, because you're allowed to have boundaries and you're allowed to have feelings and those are two things that might get a little lost in this whole concept. Um, what are your thoughts on that?
Speaker 1:Oh.
Speaker 2:I have so many thoughts I don't think I can narrow it down.
Speaker 1:Um, yes, yes, yes, yes, all of that. I think there is a huge misconception between what gentle parenting, like trademark, is on Instagram and what the original intention and research and philosophy actually is, absolutely, and how we get that theory from brain to mouth or from brain to gesture, from typical atypical, vibrant rainbow unicorn brain to actual human interaction. Right, and and a story that I can probably share is that when my son was about he's nine now, but when he was between five and six because he sees patterns and he's always seen patterns and he's really good at advocating for what he needs he would say to me stop trying to fix it. I need to be in my feelings, which translates to let me be in my body, right, let me express this how I need to express it create a safe container, right? No, you can't like jump through the wall, you know, like?
Speaker 2:I think that's a hard thing too sometimes for parents, because one it depends on, like what setting you're in. So some parents can feel type of way, if your child's having a meltdown in public, okay, that's internal things that we have to work through as adults. But thinking about that as adults having to work through that like, think of a child having to work with that underdeveloped brain and trying to navigate their emotions. So there's a lot that you kind of have to consider in the whole dynamic. Um, and I always I advocate for, like all feelings are important. There's not like like being sad or being angry, that's not a bad emotion. It feels, if that's the problem, like we feel icky about those emotions, but that doesn't mean it's a bad emotion to have or to let out or to express. Um, and I think that's one of the biggest things that, from my understanding and from my experience with parents, is like how to navigate, how we're feeling in the situation rather than how they're feeling in the situation.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, and and I think, for, for people who have found like sanctuary in the idea that gentle parenting provides our roadmap. I absolutely do not want to take that away from people. Yeah, the, the piece and the, the. The huge puzzle piece that my clients bring to me is it's not working, or I don't see it working in the way that it works for other families or other mothers that I know.
Speaker 2:And do you ask them like where they're? Is it the romanticized seeing it, like the the social media seeing it, or like firsthand seeing this? So what are they?
Speaker 1:I think it's more the Instagram Like I would say for for my, for my clients, it's mostly the like. I saw this on Instagram and it was a three-step process and I've I've implemented the three-step process now for a few weeks and it doesn't change the meltdown or it doesn't change the. This is not their words, this is now my words. It doesn't change the fact that their child is sensitive to certain things and I think the thing that that overwhelmed, overstimulated, burnt out, exhausted parents are looking for is they're looking to fix it. They so desperately in their body want it to be fixed.
Speaker 2:They want it to be fixed and they don't want it to regress back to maybe how they were grown up and how their emotions were invalidated and how they wish that they were able to have the voice that they have. But like, the loudest kids are the safest kids. Like, if your kid is screaming in public willingly, that's like kudos to you parents. You might be feeling all types of way in that moment, but that's, that's a testament to yourself and I think again, that's something you can't recognize in the moment. But your parent, your child's screaming and not feeling unsafe around you. So I would my parents, come a long way. I would never scream like that in public. I know that. But that's different situations. We grew up differently. Like there's different um dynamics we had in our household and we have more knowledge now and we can implement that knowledge if I feel like sometimes we just need a social media.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, yes. All of that Because I even find um having an almost 10 year old parent, like mom influencers and like Instagram, parenting advice was non-existent 10 years ago. It wasn't. It was not something that was even um for me you know, I've gotten some pretty like amazing golden nuggets from Instagram.
Speaker 1:In terms of parenting, my neurodiverse child and understanding how those triggers affect me. But the the piece of it that I think we can get so caught up in is that we wholeheartedly believe that the 30nd thing that we just saw is perfectly for us.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and especially with, like, the neurodivergent kids. I always describe them as a thumbprint. Nobody's thumbprint is the same. So although those techniques could be valid to implement, like as little cookie, like cookie crumbles, it's not going to be the full on end all like solution and and that's where you have to kind of learn be filed on their own.
Speaker 2:So like I'll give an example of my child, if he's, he doesn't like to feel like he's wrong. So if something happened and let's say I don't know, one of his siblings are upset and it was in result of like something he did or took away, and you would say like well, why did you do that? So if you say those words, why did you do that? Automatic defense, automatic meltdown, I'm just like game over. But like such an adjustment of words can make a difference. Be like is there a reason? Like why you're upset and needed to take that toy? Like shift it back on their, in their control, and that's a big thing is like children need to feel in control. They need to feel like they have autonomy over what they're doing, over their emotions, over what they're saying and our, our words, although so subtle in our brain, can have such a large impact and how they respond to you, and that's that's.
Speaker 2:I think one of the biggest thing with gentle parenting is like you don't have to like go initially and go hug the child if something happens. It doesn't need to be that way. It just needs to be an adjustment of your words, it needs to be um given to them so they can advocate for themselves in the situation. Uh, and so it's not like why did you do this, like automatically? Can you tell me, like why this happened? Or are you feeling any type of way because of the situation? Like is there something else going on? Like really just give it back, like throw the ball back, like don't hold on to the ball. Basically Don't be that person on that team, don't be a ball hog.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I have found, because one of my children are officially diagnosed ADHD and one is not, and and because it's the older one is and the younger one is not, I'm watching, I'm always watching the younger, just to see if there's anything there. And my baby just entered and I haven't seen anything yet, and so it's so interesting how we can have two children in the same household being responded to generally the same, taking into account temperament and triggers, and patterns and all that stuff.
Speaker 1:One of them will totally accept anything in one moment and the other one will pretty much reject everything in any given moment. And so when I get in my head about doing it wrong, I think but this it.
Speaker 2:You know, whatever works is like working with one child but it's not working with the other right, and so it's that like, yeah, they're not the same and that's when it goes down to like not like navigating how you respond to your children, because it doesn't have to be even playing field, because they're not the same people. They're not, they didn't come out the same. They're not the same person. Everybody's, even twins, are individual. You know what I mean. Like you can't base that goes back to like. The idea of it all is like going on this checklist how to respond to your children and you. Really it takes time. It takes time to learn about yourself. It's going to take time to learn about a whole other human. Oh, it's a game. You're playing that. We're playing the guessing game all along.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes. What would you say is like the biggest. I'm going to use the word advice. What is the biggest piece of advice that you find resonates with your clients in this realm of like I want to be gentle, but I don't know that it works. You know, like I, I want to do it differently for sure than like how I was parented. But like, how do you? How do you support your clients through like grappling with some of that?
Speaker 2:I always talk about, language has power.
Speaker 2:It's like that whole, the whole saying of sticks and stones can break my burnt bones at words. Words absolutely can help you, absolutely can make a difference in how you receive information, because language is such a large part of our like overall communication style and it doesn't. Some, some kids, don't have the language too. So even gestures, even how you're like like inputting your body towards them, or how you show up around them like say they're feeling like they're in trouble, don't stand over them, go down to their level, like these kind of little micro things, or like adjustments of your words, can make such a huge difference in how they're receiving the information from you. That can really, instead of putting their back up, like really just like be empathetic and understand, like I'm not in trouble and we're just trying to have a communication, we understand like I'm not in trouble and we're just trying to have a communication. We're just trying to communicate on what's going on. Um, and that goes into, like the emotional intelligence piece as they get older, because emotional intelligence is a learned behavior.
Speaker 1:You just don't, you just don't grow up with knowing how to navigate emotions yes, that's not like an inherent skill and, I think, in the larger world, not only individually, but the way that your childcare might phrase these words or your school might phrase these things like the scientific information is that humans, all humans, all of humans, do not have impulse control until they are seven. Right? And even adults don't even then even then that is like a child study and that is the average. I know that's the average.
Speaker 2:It's, yeah, like I don't have impulse control no, I, and especially like, when you're like, like, and the neurodivergent sense too, you are reactive. So, like you, I always was back to like the clients just for a moment that like they you have, I always say, like, well, think about how, maybe you would respond. And then think about how, like, a child has to learn how to respond. So we always have to like, step back, because we are adults and we still make no one's perfect as adults regardless, like you still have your own emotions to deal with. So it's, it's a lot to navigate and I don't think there's no right or wrong way to do it.
Speaker 2:And it's really hard when something doesn't, the guilt comes in and the mom and I it's. I mean, we all suffer from it, like the parents do. But I always like to say that this is not something you're doing wrong. This is something we have to learn as parents how to navigate our own children. And even then, you're still not figuring it out all the way, because they're still going to grow and develop and change. I mean, yours is 10. You said 9 or 10? Yeah, he's almost 10. Yeah, okay, so we're going to enter a few essence stage. So then we get a whole other shift happening.
Speaker 1:We get a whole other.
Speaker 2:Yes, so we just have these. I call them seasons. You're always in a different season with your children, and seasons change.
Speaker 1:Seasons don't stay the same. So that's just, I guess I'm food for thought. Yes, yes, absolutely. And how do you weave that like passion for creativity and art and self-expression, into navigating all of the the hard parts, all of the hard stuff of parenting?
Speaker 2:Well, I said, we're not inherently have the emotional intelligence, but we are inherently creative. That's just something that we're born and bred to do. Um others might argue, just based on their skills, but there's no such thing. Art is subjective. You can't really say like I'm not good at this because it's all perception. It's all how someone perceives your art, cause somebody might see something like that sucks, but like why does it suck to you? Or like that's beautiful, but why is it beautiful to you?
Speaker 2:And there's such a journey when you're creating that it's just like this unspoken voice that you can go through and there's such a journey when you're creating that it's just like this unspoken voice that you can go through Because it's that personal, it's that so personal to yourself. Like it's hard to even put into words sometimes, because you are going through a journey when you're doing an art, piece of artwork, but then there's a final project for everybody else. But you know, like the steps that you took to get there and maybe like what you're doing in that moment, was it a calm moment when you're doing? It was there. Were you feeling some type of way when you painted this certain certain thing, like certain piece in your image, or sculpt something like it's. There's so much things that could come out of just um the unspoken that we forget to recognize, because the unspoken sometimes speaks the loudest.
Speaker 1:Yes, For our listeners? Is there a go-to creative expression that you use in your own parenting when things are too loud, too intense, too much, not only just for you, but maybe for your children? Or maybe it is just for you, but do you have a thing that you do?
Speaker 2:so apparently my studio is not non-existent, but when I had the studio prior to us moving um, this gave my loved ones around me. It made their their skin crawl, but I just let the mess happen. I just allowed for whatever art material was around and I allowed the mess to happen because the mess is not something they see as a negative. I might feel some sort of way about the mess around me, but they're. They're doing it in a such a innocent and like, expressive and happy way. Like how can we be upset about the mess that's around because this is a moment that they're enjoying for themselves that I'm gonna be like, oh no, keep the paint in this section. But why?
Speaker 2:Why did I say that? Like, is it? Is it gonna affect me or is it gonna affect them to say that? So I always allow it, for whatever art activity you're doing, allowed for the best, because it it's part of creating. You're not. It goes that just kind of puts them back into a box that I don't want them to be in, because how are they going to be able, like, think of it in a bigger picture, how can they able to express themselves, if I don't allow that box to be opened?
Speaker 1:made it everywhere, yes, yes, and would you say that there's there's been a lot of internal work for you to get to the place to allow that, or is that an?
Speaker 2:inherent thing. It's a little easier. Maybe prior to this it would have been a little different. But my art therapy is like allow the process to happen, and that's a huge part of the process. This is the mess. Some people come into therapy and they have a mess and they're doing art activity and they're trying to clean up things. So, okay, let's talk about it. Why do we have to confine all these things in this area, like, why are we not allowing the mess to happen so that it did help in that sense, because I think of it in that way. So maybe Sage's brain is like so, like, let the art go everywhere. So it's, it's, it's such an internal thing for yourself. It's just like you're spilling yourself out for everybody to see, and I think that's vulnerable and beautiful.
Speaker 1:Yes, oh, thank you, gab gabby, for having this conversation with me about neurodivergence and creativity and parenting and all of the things, and I know you are on a time clock because you got a baby that's napping and lots of tiny humans hello, it's okay. So, everything. Yes.
Speaker 2:The reality, just the reality is right there.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for being here with us today.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was great talking. Thank you for having me.
