Chill Like a Mother Podcast
This show shares stories, offers tips and tricks, and provides education to help you feel more chill like the mother you know you want to be.
Hey! I'm Kayla Huszar, a creative counsellor who's all about unconventional therapy that encourages creativity, curiosity and finding what makes you feel alive (again). I've helped so many women navigate the waves (ups and downs) of motherhood, and I'm here for you, too!
So, if you're feeling overwhelmed or need a moment to yourself, grab your headphones and press play on an episode!
You're not alone, and you already know what you need.
Chill Like a Mother Podcast
When This Mom Stopped Being the Default Parent (Everything Changed) with Ryley Miller
You know that mental catalog that's constantly running in your brain? The one calculating diaper changes, grocery lists, and whether there's milk for tomorrow's cereal while you're doing three other things? What if I told you that mental load doesn't have to be yours alone to carry?
In this episode, I'm joined by Ryley Miller, Executive Director of Rise of Society Alberta, for an honest conversation about the unseen emotional labor of motherhood and what happens when you actually negotiate sharing it. Ryley and I have both experienced role reversals in our relationships where our partners became the primary caregivers, and let me tell you—it changes everything.
We dig into:
- Why negotiation (not resentment) is the key to redistributing mental load
- How trading primary parent roles becomes "the great equalizer" in relationships
- What doors open when you're not carrying all the invisible work alone
- The ongoing dance between meaningful career pursuits and present motherhood
- Why Ryley's philosophy of "we'll figure it out" is exactly what overwhelmed moms need to hear
Ryley shares how renegotiating the mental load in her marriage didn't just reduce her stress—it opened up space for her to run her organization, take professional risks, and even run for municipal council. But she's also honest about the ongoing challenge of staying present with her daughters while pursuing meaningful work.
If you're tired of being the default parent, the keeper of all family information, and the one whose brain automatically scans for everything that needs doing, this conversation offers hope and practical steps for creating something different.
Resources Mentioned:
- Rise of Society Alberta: Ryley Miller's Bio
- Fair Play Method (mentioned in episode)
Meet Kayla Huszar, the Host of the Chill Like a Mother Podcast
Kayla Huszar is a Registered Social Worker and Expressive Arts Therapist who helps mothers reconnect with their authentic selves through embodied art-making. She encourages moms to embrace the messy, beautiful realities of their unique motherhood journeys. Whether through the podcast, 1:1 sessions or her signature Motherload Membership, Kayla creates a brave space for mothers to explore their identities beyond parenting, reconnect with their intuition, and find creative outlets for emotional expression and self-discovery.
Thank you for letting me be a part of your day—kids running amok and all! If this episode helped you feel a little more chill, please leave a rating or review. Your feedback helps the podcast reach more moms who need to hear it.
Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of the Chill Like a Mother podcast. Today we are going to be talking about the unseen emotional, mental, emotional, physical labors of being a mom and how that impacts us as humans, as people, as professionals, as leaders. Because if we don't often and I find this as well if we don't have a partner who is kind of sharing the load and all of that, it can really impact the way that we are viewed as mothers out in the world and also what we get to participate in. And so I am here with Riley Miller, so take it away, riley.
Speaker 2:My name is Riley Miller. I'm an executive director of Rise Up Society Alberta, so we are a Leduc-based charity that provides domestic violence counseling for really Leduc and surrounding areas, including Edmonton as well. I am a mental health therapist by trade myself, so I've been very experienced within social services, working with adults with developmental disabilities, to probation, to now the therapy side of things. So that's a little bit about my background and, of course, I have two daughters that are five and three years old. And, yeah, I've been happy to be back in Leduc after completing my degree, so I've been back now officially since 2018.
Speaker 1:Amazing. Yeah, Tell me some of the ways, the emotional that like unseen emotional labor has impacted you as a parent.
Speaker 2:I think it's a really tricky thing to navigate when you become a parent. I think at the beginning it was really hard, because you're entering this new role of mother and what does that look like? And you're still trying to figure out who you are as an individual. Still, I will say it has gotten better with time and having those boundaries. But I think we can all agree that when you're at work or you're, you know, doing a different thing for yourself, whether it's free time, that turning off that mother it doesn't really happen. And so you are curing that weight of thinking about your kids and all the stuff that you need to get done and then coming about, what do you need to do for yourself. So it's it's a struggle, for sure for a lot of people, not impossible to manage, but it's definitely there, that weight.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how, how has it? How have you seen it kind of unfold either within your own life or, like within the lives of your friends?
Speaker 2:You know, like what are you talking about in this space, conversations that I have with my own friends is how do we manage it? And you know, recognizing is this normal to feel this way? Is it normal to feel this hard sometimes? And then the common, you know, the feedback that we get is yes, this is normal and this is ongoing, that we as women have to figure out and navigate.
Speaker 2:I think, from like a professional setting, I definitely see it more so that people might have different expectations of you as a mother.
Speaker 2:Perhaps maybe they feel like you're limited, that you're not able to take on that extra job, or you're just, yeah, you're not able to grow more, you're kind of weighted down than perhaps your other male counterparts, right, and I think the really big thing in that is utilizing those supports, whether it's your friends, your partner. That's a huge one for me. I'm very lucky and fortunate that I have a husband that's able to take on that good chunk of that load and being at home with the girls so that I'm able to do the work that I really want to do. That brings a lot of value to who I am, because that's a big part of me, is my career, right, I can also speak to the clients that I work with A lot of women impacted by domestic violence. They carry a huge emotional burden with raising children Many of our clients they don't either have the partners or they're not active, and so they are literally carrying things by themselves. So I have a very intimate personal view on the different ways that women carry that load.
Speaker 1:For sure, Can you speak to some of those things? Is there like a specific thing that you feel like women carry that and we are talking about gender here, so I'll just name it that women carry that traditionally, men don't.
Speaker 2:I mean, I think at the get go right, the burden is on us, right, we carry them. Our bodies change, like our emotions change, so automatically from the beginning we're just have that huge emotional, physical investment and I think that doesn't go away. I think that we're just innately primed to always have that burden. I just think in general to society's expectations. I think we've come a long way and I think that that burden is being shared better between partners, but I still think that there's still a lot of room for improvement there for sure.
Speaker 1:What changed you when you became a parent in the realization of that, and what are some of the things that you and your partner have implemented to even out the load? Because I don't imagine that it was just like magically. One day he was like I'm just going to stay home. Right and like you were just able to be like all right, let's do this, do this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think the key word is negotiation, right. And if you're in a loving, respectful marriage, that negotiation is very healthy, right, deciding, like between what are you really good at, what are you really good at, and then coming into compromise. But it's always shifting, right. I've also been in the role where I was the primary parent and so I had the more traditional roles, right, the pink roles. But now we flipped and it works for us for right now, like I said, it's given me the ability to run my organization and take on more responsibilities, like running for council, as I'm sure we'll talk about later. But it's negotiation. That's what's worked for us. I can't speak for everybody, but it's difficult, right, trying to figure out what works for each family. It's different.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there was a time in one of the COVID years that my son was about eight months old when the first lockdown hit. And my son was about eight months eight months old when the first lockdown hit and my husband was out of work and home and one of one of us had to be making money, and so I went back to work early and we we managed it, balanced it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've been there.
Speaker 1:There was. There was a series of weeks where I remember I went down into the laundry room and I was like I don't think I've been down here in weeks. Is this what this feels like? To be on the other side of the mental lobe? Like I literally didn't even occur to me to do laundry, while I was the one working and he was the one home and we didn't even really talk about it. It was just like he just did the laundry because it needed to be done and he was the one caregiving for the baby who, you know, spits up and poops and all the things. And and I thought it was a really eyeopening perspective for me to think that that's how it feels on the other side that it's often not always, but often not done out of like malice or intention no when, but before my husband and I implemented some of the um, uh, the fair play method things into our marriage on a book by ibratsky.
Speaker 1:Um, there were lots of times where I felt resentment and or he also felt resentment over me because I would just take care of things without even asking him if he wanted to be part of it. And what was just really interesting about that time in our lives is how much I caught myself having the lived experience of being the partner outside of the home and how it just like I was, just like I didn't even think about doing the laundry. And if that's how it feels for you I know that you're not doing it on purpose, like I know that you're not like being inept or like not noticing it on purpose- I always say to my friends, actually, that trading off who's the primary parent is such a great equalizer in a relationship because you get to see both sides and both perspectives right.
Speaker 2:And I think to your point too. When you switch, it actually empowers the other partner to be like oh, and I think to your point too. When you switch, it actually empowers the other partner to be like oh, I need to figure out how to manage the daily schedule, when am I packing, when I go out the door, all these logistics. It just empowers them to build these skills so that they it's not this like they don't feel incompetent. And so you're empowering them. Go ahead, do it. You're the primary parent. I encourage you to do it.
Speaker 2:You might do it differently than me, but you're doing it. And so I always think it's just, even if you do it for a little bit, if you have the opportunity some people might not have the option right. A lot of people, they have to both be working right. That's a very real reality for a lot of people working right. That's a very real reality for a lot of people. Um, but I would say it is a really great equalizer in a in a relationship to trade perspectives a little bit, because I'm in the same boat as you, whereas sometimes I'm like I have not really worried about how I organize my children's drawers, and that used to be a thing that I would value, and now, now it's not even not even on my radar, learning to let some of that stuff go as well.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah absolutely, and I think there's a big difference between the trade off that comes with like a spoonful of control and the trade off that can happen organically within, like the safety and the uncomfortable uncomfortability of, like hard conversations.
Speaker 1:Right, because I know that some of my clients struggle with this spoonful of control piece around. Like I could go away for the weekend, I would have to basically prepare everything like I was here anyway, and and some of that, I think, is we're all made up of multiple parts and I think some of that comes from an anxious part of ourselves or a control part of ourselves, and some of it comes from, sometimes, a real logistic based on like lived experience with a person, sure, and knowing that they won't pack the sunscreen. Yeah and yeah.
Speaker 2:Learning to let go, that people are going to do things different, yeah, and you hope that they'll cover the bases. And just learning to let go I used to be the same way when we were transitioning is that I would try to still be the way that I would do it. But over time and the more that we've been in these roles, the more I've let go and, like the kids are fine. It's actually like really refreshing for them to see a different perspective of somebody who's taking care of them Honestly in so many ways, like I think too. I think you know, know, as a, as a woman whose works, I think the expectation and the understanding societally is that you're gonna be at home and you're gonna. You're gonna want to be at home and you're gonna want to want that.
Speaker 2:And I and I loved my time with my kids. Don't get me wrong, but in so many ways in my relationship it was so much better and he was so much better suited to do that role than I ever was. Yeah, right, so just seeing what works best within your, in your relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what? What would you say, has opened the doors, so to speak, for you to be able to pursue more in different things because of the balance of the mental load.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so because I have that support system and you know I come from privilege, I'm a white lady, middle-class, right so I have, I have means.
Speaker 2:So it's given me just more space to pursue my career more.
Speaker 2:It's given me just more space to pursue my career more, and not only just for my own self-fulfillment but also for my family, like it's a huge driving force. I think that's something that I think that in the working world that's really neglected is like and not understood is that women have a huge investment in their jobs because we want good for the world, we want to provide for our kids just as much as our partners do, and so for me, my family and what I'm able to give and provide them is a huge motivator for taking risks in the workplace than I've ever could have done before had I not had a good partner or had the means to have support with them, right. So I mean in my, in my current role right now, I've taken more risks in the last few years and seeing where things go and it's so far, I think it's been really positive in the community, some of the things that I've been doing and and has been at least helping others. So, yeah, helping others.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, what, what do you find is still a struggle? What, what's like the what is the thing that you go to bed thinking at night? That's like still part of the struggle.
Speaker 2:I think for me, where I'm currently at is making sure that I'm having meaningful time with my children, um, making sure that like I'm present with them rather than being on at work all the time so that's a big one and making sure that I'm knowing them and I'm building them to be the people that they are showing me, that they want to be right, like, my daughter is super dramatic and artistic and so getting to know that more and pushing her in those directions that I think that that will show up for her for, but it's just that meaningful time. So I just try my best to have those boundaries as best as I can. Spending one-on-one time with my kids but I think that's kind of the emotional load that I carry is am I having like a really authentic relationship with them and that they're not just seeing me in a working role all the time, that they're seeing me as their mom?
Speaker 1:How does that impact you in pursuing things like running for counsel and all that?
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, my girls are a huge driving force in everything I do, right? No-transcript? I'm running for council. I'll invite them in because I think it's important for them to see other aspects of me too. But carving out that time where it's separate from work is like a big focus for me right now especially.
Speaker 1:Yeah, do you find it hard to shut off that work brain?
Speaker 2:For sure, oh yeah, it's a struggle, especially when you're when you're leading people right. It can be very hard, but I have to be very intentional that I leave work and work items like my computer at at the office so that I have that time. If I know that I'm really busy, then I will make sure that I need to take off like a few days so that I have that time with them. But it's hard, it's. I don't think it's a perfect system and I don't think women should feel bad if it is hard to turn that off because it's a part of you.
Speaker 1:Yes, right, yes, yeah, and and I don't think we've had lots of really good, um, you know, women leadership, but I think as a whole, we haven't had a lot of good roadmaps. You know, on the on the like, interpersonal level, to like how, how to do motherhood in this way that the like, the modern, the modern expectations or pressures expect us to right. Like I, I got really triggered by an Instagram post a couple of weeks ago. Um about her tag was like millionaire, something anyway. Um, and she was basically saying about how we should go back to like, like, like, um, wall phones, like at our homes, and I was like, not, not a bad idea. So I like I read through the whole thing. Right, it was like a carousel post. I read through the whole thing and I was like, okay, like I could maybe buy into this, except I don't know the time when my kid's soccer game changes without the app. So, like, like, you're setting me up for failure here I can't, yeah, I, I can't.
Speaker 1:I can't have a full in both worlds, right. It's like um back when my kids were in daycare they're no longer daycare age, um, but when they were in daycare they're like all of the reports would be done through the app, and so it was like I I could get information if I didn't have my phone, like literally in my pocket, and so there's like this, like ideally analog, love it. And also like I get four emails a week from the school, so like it's aggressive.
Speaker 2:It's aggressive schools. It's aggressive, like give us some space. We got this. I feel the same way. My kids are coming to school and I'm having so many emails and it's key, overwhelming, I think, with this. I think part of it is that we're not going to make everybody happy. So maybe we are going to drop the ball on some school emails sometimes, but maybe we're going to be really good at not being on our phones with our kids one week, right, and there's gonna be times where maybe we're we're gonna probably utilize screen time more. Yeah, it's not perfect. Like it's kind of system right now.
Speaker 1:It's kind of setting us up for failure yeah, so just like, because you're down if you're due and you're down if you don't, you're down either way, yeah, yeah yeah, like, and I I was. I noticed this this morning. I was at a. I had to do some paperwork and so I was at an office and my kids were like in the waiting room chairs.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'd given them the right act like please don't horse around, don't touch the thing like don't, just don't right yeah, and and I was looking back at them a few times in the and the woman at the kiosk, she was like I raised boys, it's okay, they're just behaving exactly like boys do. And I was like and also, they can't like wreck your property. Like that's a good rule of thumb.
Speaker 1:Right and standard, and so at one point, she was watching them, right, Because she could see them directly. And I caught myself saying I don't want them to be those kids, right? And and I thought in this moment I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. I'm damned if I feel if I seem too authoritarian, right, if I seem to like you're the controlling mom who, like, can't let their kids just like be kids out in public, and I'm damned if I like if they get out of too if you're too submissive like oh yeah, jump on the chairs, yeah sure, twirl the thing around until it spins right off the thing, right, and so it was even in.
Speaker 1:I could. I could sense the tension in this moment of like. I don't want to be perceived as authoritarian, because I'm, because I'm really not. I actually think kids deserve to take up space and they deserve to be children out in public and all the things. But I also don't want to be perceived as like, as like a pushover either, and I'm allowing these behaviors that are like, not proper, right.
Speaker 2:I think a good rule of thumb is you know we can't control how other people perceive us and so, like you, like as a therapist, this comes back all the time Like what do you have control over? You have control over yourself. Do you think that you're doing a good job? Do you think that you're not? You're giving your kids some space, and then yeah, then I think we could all learn to just. It's hard, but not care what other people are thinking about us, because often they're really concerned about how they're coming across.
Speaker 2:I think, we all feel like the stage is on us, the lights are on us, but we're all just really busy and we're all just trying to like focus on on how we're getting through our day. Right. I think that's a good humbling reminder is that we're all probably just trying to get by, yeah, as best as we can yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was just it was. I could just be that tension right and I could almost hear it in your voice as well around. I love my career, I love my job. I'm so passionate about these things that I'm making I like I, I am setting out to make a difference, Right, and and also I don't want my kids to only see that version of me Like, and there's that, that tension between good human good, professional good parents like good human good professional good parents.
Speaker 2:Like you know, and I think, when, when I, when I go out on the work and I and I take chances and I'm working, and you know I, it's also given me the ability, like having kids gives me the ability to like forgive myself by making mistakes, because I think raising children is an experiment.
Speaker 2:Every day we're just trying to figure out how we're gonna do it. We apologize, we make mistakes and I think, because being a mother has taught me that some things that I do in the workplace is not gonna work, but I can pivot, there's always something else I could do and like how I can overcome. So when I, like, you know, thinking about, like running for municipal government right, there's a, you know there's a, there's votes, there's a good chance I'm not gonna get a seat and you know that's a reality and it might it'll, it'll sting a bit, but at least I'm putting myself out there and taking a shot and like wanting to get a little bit more representation for young moms and you know, that mental health piece, I think is huge and non-profit and understanding how that system works. I think that would be huge value to our community and that's something that I want to show my kids is like taking that shot and and and making things happen, even win, lose or draw.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would be your resounding message for the moms who listen? You know what is something you're like known for saying to your friends when they're like down and out or being hard on themselves Like what's the thing you want them to know? That's a good question.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to think of the things that, like when I speak with my friends I'm lucky and fortunate that I have friends that are very similar in a lot of ways and very supportive, but I don't know, like I always say, like we'll figure it out, those like go for it. Like often it's like just go for it, we'll figure it out. Most things can be fixed or adjusted, and that's something that I often, you know, we say to each other in like my friend circles is just like go for it, we'll figure it out, or we'll roll with it. Because, I mean, life kind of is very unexpected, especially like things are very like tumultuous right now and there's a lot of things going on and people are struggling, they can't afford things and it's a tough time, and so I think, just being okay with that, that standard of we'll figure it out and utilizing your community, whatever that looks like, I think is huge right absolutely.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much, riley, for this conversation. I really appreciated the pieces that you shared around mental load and how it wasn't always this way right Like your partner wasn't always home, being the primary parent, and how advocating for yourself in that support and creating that negotiation in your relationship, it has opened up doors and time and capacity for you to be able to pursue things outside of the role of just mom.
Speaker 2:For sure, and I wanted to mention, when you brought up COVID I had a six-month-old, so I remember doing swimming lessons in the bathtub as a way to pass time the things that we did just to get through it.
Speaker 1:Oh man we had so many baths, so many baths, so many baths.
Speaker 2:So many really bad versions of swimming lessons were had in those bathtubs to just occupy time.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, my he's going to lose it really soon, but my it was so eight months. Covid started 10 months. He slipped in the tub and chipped a tooth and it was like a daily reminder because we also couldn't go to the dentist, like it was like lockdown, lockdown and so it was like we couldn't go to the dentist.
Speaker 1:Yeah, um, and then by the time we'd gone to the dentist, it was fine and he didn't need any work done on it. But, um, it was it. It's like it's a reminder this like chip in his tooth of how many baths we had to pass the time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's something that you'll always remember is that time? And then, looking back, that was really a hard time. And now I kind of look at it and I kind of couldn't able to laugh and even smirk at like how insane that was. Yeah, we kind of forget in a way. Yeah, but I appreciate. Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1:For sure. Thank you, Riley. Good luck in your running as well. Thank you Appreciate it.
