Chill Like a Mother Podcast
This show shares stories, offers tips and tricks, and provides education to help you feel more chill like the mother you know you want to be.
Hey! I'm Kayla Huszar, a creative counsellor who's all about unconventional therapy that encourages creativity, curiosity and finding what makes you feel alive (again). I've helped so many women navigate the waves (ups and downs) of motherhood, and I'm here for you, too!
So, if you're feeling overwhelmed or need a moment to yourself, grab your headphones and press play on an episode!
You're not alone, and you already know what you need.
Chill Like a Mother Podcast
Nervous System Overwhelm: Why Moms Can't Always Stay Regulated
Ever slammed your hands on the table and yelled "ENOUGH!" when the noise and chaos became too much? You're not alone, and contrary to what social media might have you believe, it's not a parenting failure—it's biology.
In this eye-opening conversation with therapist Charlie, we explore the myth that mothers should be regulated all the time. Charlie explains how our nervous systems were never designed to handle modern life's constant bombardment of stimuli. Research shows we process more information in one week of urban living than our ancestors did in their entire lifetimes! No wonder we feel overwhelmed, touched out, and on edge.
When that dysregulation hits—whether it's from kids talking over each other, sensory overload, or simply the cumulative weight of the day—Charlie offers practical, science-backed strategies to restore balance. We dive into the powerful STOP technique (Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed mindfully), discuss why deep breathing actually works (even when we roll our eyes at the suggestion), and explore how predictability creates safety for both children and adults.
Most importantly, we challenge the perfectionist parenting narratives that fuel shame and prevent us from accessing the very tools that could help us regulate. As Charlie reminds us, "Should is a shame word," and unless you're a robot, constant regulation is completely unrealistic. Our nervous systems are designed to ebb and flow—even anxiety and dissociation serve important protective functions when used appropriately.
Ready to break free from the impossible standard of perfect regulation? Listen now to discover how honoring your nervous system's needs can transform your parenting experience and help you respond rather than react to life's overwhelming moments.
Meet Kayla Huszar, the Host of the Chill Like a Mother Podcast
Kayla Huszar is a Registered Social Worker and Expressive Arts Therapist who helps mothers reconnect with their authentic selves through embodied art-making. She encourages moms to embrace the messy, beautiful realities of their unique motherhood journeys. Whether through the podcast, 1:1 sessions or her signature Motherload Membership, Kayla creates a brave space for mothers to explore their identities beyond parenting, reconnect with their intuition, and find creative outlets for emotional expression and self-discovery.
Thank you for letting me be a part of your day—kids running amok and all! If this episode helped you feel a little more chill, please leave a rating or review. Your feedback helps the podcast reach more moms who need to hear it.
Hello everyone and welcome back to the Chill Like a Mother podcast. I am here with my very good friend, charlie, and we are going to talk today about the myth and the narrative around being regulated all the time. Charlie really focuses in her therapy practice on mindfulness and somatic and emotional regulation, nervous system stuff. So she is the person that we are going to talk to today and get some perspective on why it is not only unreasonable but impossible to be regulated all the time. So, char, please tell me we were just talking about this before we hit record why is it completely unreasonable, especially for moms, to think that they have to be regulated all the time?
Speaker 2:Well, it starts with the science and the biology of our bodies and that our nervous systems retain information for five to seven generations. And if we think about what life looked like for us as human beings and as parents five to seven generations ago, this is not it. We had villages that don't exist anymore. For support, we spent a lot more time living in our natural surroundings. We spend a lot of time in our urban areas. Now, research has actually estimated that in one week of living or working in an urban center, we consume roughly the same amount of stimuli through our nervous systems as our ancestors did in their entire lives through our nervous systems, as our ancestors did in their entire lives.
Speaker 1:So that alone. Biologically, we are not designed to consume the amount of information that we do on a daily basis. And would you say that that is what moms or women describe as like touched out, overwhelmed, overstimulated. Is that like the words that we now use to describe what that is?
Speaker 2:I believe partly, absolutely, because if we think about feeling touched out when somebody wants a hug or they want that physical attention and we say no more, it's not just the touch that has burned our nervous systems out that day or that moment, it's all the other information that the body is consuming and trying to process at the same time that leads to one more piece of stimuli. So whether that's a loud bang that makes you jump out of your skin or whether that's you know the kids have got the TV on too loud and now it feels like you can literally feel the noise or whether it is that touch, it's the body saying I cannot actually process any more information.
Speaker 1:Okay. So walk, walk, walk me through something. Okay. So you all know mom diagnosed ADHD. We got a whole host of neuro-spicy in my home. When I reached this level and it happened just last night there was like rapid fire conversation amongst all of the other people who couldn't stop their urges from talking over everyone. Finally, I slammed my hands on the table and I was like enough, I need everybody to be quiet for 30 seconds. That's all. I asked 30 seconds where it is not rapid fire. Platypus, what happened at school? Who's going? My son's going fishing today. And it was just like I can't take in any more of this information. So walk me through if I could access it. Walk me through. In this moment, the I am dysregulated and I have to honor that. Then how do I get to regulate it? What are, like your go-to things that you would tell me if you could be in my earbud? What would you tell me to do in that moment?
Speaker 2:I think the first thing is recognizing and identifying what it is and, if possible, removing the shame from from that, because so many times we immediately think, oh, I wish I had. Or I'm a bad person, bad mother, because they yelled at my family or his family. Hands down from there, shaking up as much of the stimuli as you can. For you, that was a moment of stop enough. I can't consume any more information. 30 seconds is going to give me the opportunity to catch up, let the body catch up with all this information. 30 seconds is going to give me the opportunity to catch up, let the body catch up with all this information that's being put in front of me.
Speaker 2:And then regulation looks different for everybody in that moment, whether it is removing yourself from the environment, whether it is just taking a couple of nice deep breaths, whether that's closing the eyes. Closing the eyes is a really amazing one because we shut out all of our visual stimuli. Even just for 10-15 seconds. That can be really powerful, honoring what it is that you need in that moment. For you yesterday, kayla, it sounded like silence, if there was no time in between all of those conversations to figure out what you wanted to say or who you were listening to or where your attention was going. So, taking that 30 seconds for yourself, you had the opportunity to figure out what comes next, to be more proactive with your next step, instead of being reactive to the environment around you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so you know, I'm just, I'm doing this live. It's like the first thing that went through my mind when you said take three deep breaths. There is a story in me and I've heard it from so many of my clients that is like are you fucking kidding me? Take a deep breath, like go meditate. No, no, write it down and me know, my body immediately was like on one year and on the other one. I'm like, are you kidding me?
Speaker 2:yeah, like seriously, it's that simple and the reason it works especially if we have pre-practiced, pre-rehearsed some breathing exercises is that, if we can either hold an inhale or if we can lengthen our exhale versus our inhale, is it actually creates what we call a parasympathetic response in the nervous system that kicks our nervous system out of that orbit. Right, that stress response immediately. It allows the mind and the body to reconnect so that we're not only being driven by our emotion. It allows the body to catch up with everything that's happening, so that we can respond in a way that feels more aligned with what we want to do in that moment. So, yes, taking a deep breath, I've had my clients roll eyes at me I too have snapped at my kids.
Speaker 2:I've not taken the deep breath. It could look like getting a really nice cold glass of water and getting a straw and taking some really reasonable, mindful sips. I think a lot of the work that we talk about with nervous system regulation comes from figuring out what works for you and practicing it. Practicing it ahead of time so that in those moments when we really need it it's not the first time we've ever taken that deep breath or practiced that exercise or whatever we want to call it. So a lot of what we do in our offices is actually in vivo learning, doing it with our clients in a moment when they're maybe in a bit more of a regulated state, so that when they are feeling dysregulated or they need it in a reactive moment, it's something that feels familiar and is safe.
Speaker 1:And what would you say to someone, cause I mean, I'm I'm already body right, I'd like. I know I need to take the deep breath, as you can always access it, and it is in moments where I haven't taken the deep breath that I probably have the most regret or moments of repair that need to happen. And so, let's say, someone has this narrative that they must be regulated all the time, and then that thought stops them from being able to access the tool, because there's shame in the middle right. It's like I'm overstimulated, I need everything to stop, but I don't know how to make it stop, because I feel shitty for being this kind of person and I should be able to handle it and I should be regulated, because that's what all the mom influencers tell us we need to do. And then we can't access it.
Speaker 2:The question is, how do we work through those narratives when we see on social media people saying we want to be fully present all the time? We should always be regulated First off. Should is a shame word, so should immediately triggers a response of shame inside us. And you're right, we see it all over social media. It really fuels any perfectionist tendencies that people may already have, those underlying chemical beliefs about ourselves, and it creates this real black and white all or nothing. We should be this way all the time or we should never behave this way. And first off, unless you're a robot, that's just completely unrealistic.
Speaker 2:We're human beings. We are designed to have these nervous systems that ebb and flow with our surroundings. Anxiety is good. It's necessary at certain times when it's proportionate to the situation. Disassociation is needed. It is a coping mechanism for the body when it says I've had enough. Now if we're disassociating in places that become dangerous, we have to kind of look at how do we work with the body and the nervous system to make sure that this person's not at risk. But if I'm about to blow my top on my kids and the other option is sitting on my toilet for five minutes and scrolling, yes, I'm disassociating. But if that allows me the breathing space to come back and work through my kids' big emotions as well, it's okay, it's a good use of that tool.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, and that can look like a number of things. Sometimes we find ourselves zoned out or almost dead at all for five minutes. It's asking our body what we're feeling in that moment and what we need and what do we want. The outcome of this situation?
Speaker 1:to be? I like that question. What do we want the outcome to be?
Speaker 2:There's a skill that we use in DDT, dialectical behavioral therapy, and the acronym is, quite literally, stop Okay. So the acronym STOP the S stands for stop Okay, stop what we are doing, stop mid-sentence, stop mid-dishwashing, stop mid-yell. Whatever it is we're doing, just stop In that moment. If you can tears, take a step back. If you can physically remove yourself from the situation, do that's not always going to be safe, especially if you're at home with a kiddo, but if you can literally physically take a step back and create some distance between you and the situation, now you become the all and start. You're the observer. You're observing the thoughts. What am I thinking right now? What are the stories I'm telling myself? What am I saying I should be doing or shouldn't be doing? You're observing your thoughts and your feelings, and a really good somatic practice is also to observe any physical sensations in the body.
Speaker 2:I can feel my heart pounding. There's a really darkness in my chest. I can feel this like greed starting to resonate up, whatever that is. And then we draw a line there. We take some breaths, maybe we sip the water, maybe we ask a parent to step in, if that's possible, and the peers proceed mindfully. That's that piece of what do I want the outcome of the situation to be, and how do I get myself there? Instead of continuing on the trajectory that I was on when maybe, I was about to throw the dish across the kitchen or I was about to yell at my kids for the fifth time, today we want the outcome of our situation to be different. We have to create space, we have to pause, we have to slow down enough to allow the body to catch up with the stimuli or the sensory information.
Speaker 1:Thank you for sharing that tool. That is amazing and so like, almost like stupid simple right, like to remember, stop, and then we literally stop from a regulated place it sounds so, so simple in the moment yeah, practice, yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:There was a post I saw on instagram day about how parents prepare um toddlers for stimulating environments like the grocery store, new event, new situations, all those kinds of things. And this dad responded with the grocery store is the Super Bowl right? That's like you don't practice at the Super Bowl, you perform at the Super Bowl. And so she went through this whole process about how he practices with his kids at home, what we do, what the response to your questions might be Like we're not getting candy, toys, hot wheels, whatever. Today. Like and practicing, responding or being in a situation like that and then his kids are then, in theory, on Instagram comment is better able to then perform at the grocery store, which is they've already practiced hearing no to the toy, we're not getting ice cream, we're only going for bread, whatever. So that it was already a skill that they had performed.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, I love that. Yeah, predictability, yeah create safety yeah.
Speaker 2:Safety reduces anxiety, reduce the load of energy in the body and we are able to keep that mind-body disconnect. Where the logic and rationality is online For kiddos we talk about that upstairs part of the brain shutting down when you say no to the new toy that logic is gone. But if it's pre-rehearsed and pre-practiced they can keep that logical part of the brain online and they can understand and accept the. No, we're no different to all the grown toddlers. We engage in similar practices for ourselves and we can proactively protect ourselves from instances in the future when we may behave in a way that we don't want to so I love that most yeah, I'd love to see an adult version, right yes, I think it's.
Speaker 1:So it speaks to the simplicity of, of essentially what you just said around practicing the breathing, or practicing the stop, or practicing whatever tool happens to resonate for someone, whether it's like stepping outside or closing your eyes, or whatever. The practice of it helps you access it in the heat of that moment.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely and honestly. I think, as a parenting coach, with all of the research and the information and social media, I think we're really over-complexified parenting and what it is to be attuned and connected to your kid and see what they need and see what we need and meet those needs. We've given so many labels and different ways of parenting that people feel the need to kind of define themselves as a parent and put themselves in a box. I think that that also drives a lot of that, that perfectionist and the shame I'm not doing it right, I'm not getting it right, and I really truly believe that if we bring it back to the biological basics of what our littles and we need, it's not as complex as we've made it. It's like we didn't do that. We didn't do that, but we walked within it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're part of it. Yeah, we're a that. We didn't do that, but we walked within it. Yeah, we're part of it. Yeah, yeah, we're a cog.
Speaker 2:We're a cog in the machine so to speak, part of the wheel.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, oh, thank you so much for this conversation. Thank you, I really appreciate your insight on the what you can do in the moment, even if it feels flushy or frivolous or woo.
